The Fabulous Kenta Kitagawa
by Ian R. Moros
Summary: There's more to Kenta Kitagawa than rainbow flags and pride parades, but that's all anyone seems to care about.  These are just a few of the things he has to put up with.
1. Summer Fling

The Fabulous Kenta Kitagawa

Chapter 1: Summer Fling

July, 2006

Okinawa

"Damn is my ass sore," Hirokazu gripes as he rubs his backside.

"The flight wasn't _that _long," Jen points out for the third time.

"Tell that to my ass!" Hirokazu shoulders his duffel bag, falling behind the rest of us thanks to his awkward gait.

"Can we please stop talking about Hirokazu's butt now?" Takato pleads.

"Aw, c'mon," Hirokazu says mockingly. "Don't you guys want to kiss it and make it better?"

"I'm with Takato on this one," I have to add.

"Oh like it's any worse than when Takato goes on and on and on about his girlfriend," Hirokazu points out. "We get it, dude! You're getting some! No need to rub it in."

Takato's already getting red. "It's not like that—"

Sorry, but I have to interrupt. "Hirokazu, did you just compare Juri to your butt?" I ask.

He gives me a blank stare for a few seconds before realizing what he had said. "I… guess I did. And you know what? Nobody wants to hear about either of them!" Green is not a flattering color on you, Hirokazu.

"So does this mean you think of your butt as your girlfriend?" I ask, flashing a big grin Hirokazu's way.

"Kiss my ass, Kenta!"

I snicker at him. "I think that's _your _job."

"Please, PLEASE let it drop," Takato begs. "We're supposed to be having fun this week." He's right, of course. The sooner we nip this one in the bud the better. I don't need to spend the next week talking about Hirokazu's butt.

"So where'd your cousin say he'd meet us?" Jen asked, turning to Takato. He's pulling his luggage along behind him, like Takato and I.

"Should be around here somewhere." Takato shades his eyes with his hand and starts looking around the airport terminal. The rest of us do the same. This place is pretty big, but it wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the almost blindingly bright, sunny weather outside and the dozens of people all around us. This place is a zoo.

"Maybe we should call him or something," Jen suggests.

"He doesn't carry a cell phone," Takato explains.

"What kind of guy doesn't have a phone?" Hirokazu asks. "Does he live under a rock or something?"

"We're not in the city anymore, Hirokazu," Jen tells him. "Moumantai. We're supposed to be taking it easy, right?"

Hirokazu pouts. "Yeah, well, he better have some good video games at least."

Takato starts chuckling to himself. I'm going to take that as a bad sign for Hirokazu. But really, it's his own fault. Was he even paying attention when we were all planning this trip together?

Suddenly we all hear a shout. "Takato!" I barely have time to turn my head before a boy about our age with dark hair and tawny skin bursts through the crowd, leaping at Takato with a huge grin on his face. Takato's eyes go wide and he tries to scream, but he's not fast enough. The boy grabs him in a hug and screams, "You made it!"

Takato looks a little too shocked to say anything. That this guy's shaking him around like a dog with a toy probably doesn't help much, but he's smiling at least.

"Hey Kai, it's been a while," Jen says with a little laugh.

"Hey dude, welcome back!" the guy, Kai, says to Jen. He flashes a huge grin but he's still not letting go of Takato.

"So you're Kai, huh?" Hirokazu asks.

He turns to us this time. "Yep! I guess you guys must be Hirokazu and Kenta, right?"

"You know it," Hirokazu says, brushing the hair out of his face to try looking cool.

"Nice to meet you," I say, bowing slightly.

"Back at you!" Kai smiles right at me. Wow, he's got a really nice smile.

"You can let go now," Takato manages to squeak out.

Kai shakes his head vigorously and hugs Takato tighter. "Not a chance! You've been gone way too long, man! What happened to my favorite little cousin?"

"Little?" Takato sounds insulted. "We're practically the same age!"

"Five months is five months," Kai reminds him. That guy just can't seem to stop smiling.

"We're in the same year in school though!" Takato shoots back.

"Maybe, but I'm still taller than you!" Kai finally lets Takato go and stands up to his full height, waving a hand between the top of his own head and the empty space above Takato's. "Are you sure you didn't shrink since the last time I saw you?"

"Hey, I'm plenty tall!"

Kai looks at the rest of us. "Raise your hand if you're taller than Takato."

Kai of course has his raised from the start. Jen, Hirokazu, and yes, even I join him. Sorry Takato, but I guess that growth spurt put me ahead of you.

Takato groans at all of us. "Can we just get going?"

"You got it," Kai says. "As long as you guys didn't bring any extra friends along in your luggage this time."

Hirokazu groans. "I'm thinking the luggage compartment couldn't have been any worse than those seats."

"Give it a rest, Hirokazu," I tell him.

Kai laughs. Great smile and now a great laugh too? Lucky guy. "C'mon," he says. "If we hurry, we can get home with enough time do so some swimming!"

Jen chuckles at that. "Sounds like fun."

"Yeah, let's do this thing," Hirokazu says as he pulls his sunglasses out of his pocket and puts them on. "I want to see what the big deal is about this place."

Kai leads the way of course, dragging Takato along by the wrist. Hirokazu and I are bringing up the rear and, since Kai's busy talking to Takato I don't mind asking Hirokazu something. "Kai seems pretty cool, don't you think?"

He shrugs. "Eh. He's just some kid from the islands."

Sometimes there's just no pleasing Hirokazu.

* * *

><p>"Can you guys walk any slower?" Kai asks. "Look, the sun's almost down already!"<p>

"Not our fault that boat ride took forever!" Hirokazu points out as he drops his bag on the wooden floor.

We're at what I guess is the shrine where Kai and his grandfather live; I'm not really sure on how that arrangement is set up, but this is what I've heard from Takato at least. It's what you'd call… rustic. We'll have no trouble getting a breeze going through here, I can say that much. I wonder how old this place is? Probably even older than Kai's grandfather, who right now is sitting outside playing what I'm pretty sure is called a sanshin. And that is one _serious _bottle of beer he's got with him. How can a guy who wouldn't even come up to my shoulders drink that much in a sitting?

Never mind that. Even if the house is a lot different from anything I've ever seen in the city, it's worth it for that sunset. We're surrounded by jungle on all sides, but if you look out to the west the trees thin out and you can see the whole sky: gorgeous orange and purple, the sun sinking low, all reflected in the sea. I've never seen anything like it in my life.

"When's dinner, gramps?" Kai shouts.

"You tell me!" his grandfather shouts back, not even looking up as he slowly plucks the cords of the sanshin.

"Thanks for having us, Wataru!" Takato calls out, bowing low after setting his luggage down. "We're sorry to—"

"Miserable old bastard!" Kai interrupts him. "We've got guests!"

Wataru waves a hand our way. "That's all I need, more yapping, spoiled children!"

"Hey!" Hirokazu shouts.

Kai speaks up again. "Get your eyes checked, old man! Nothin' but men here!"

Wataru keeps playing that tune. "We'll see about that tomorrow, won't we? Until then I've got a bunch of squabbling little boys running around my legs begging for food!"

"Oh like it would kill you to cook for once in your life you wrinkled geezer!"

"Watch your tongue with me you insolent minnow!"

"Old goat!"

"Rug rat!"

The four of us kind of stand there watching, looking back and forth between Kai to Wataru as they trade insults. It's… actually getting pretty funny. Kai is smiling the whole time. I don't think I've seen him do anything _but _smile, actually. It's infectious.

"Enough bellyaching!" Wataru finally announces. He sets his sanshin aside, picks up the bottle of beer and… he drinks the whole thing! It was already half-empty, but the bottle's as big as my arm! This guy is a pro. "If it'll stop your moaning I'll set something out. Hope you boys like _real _food instead of that sissy stuff you get in the city."

"Thank you, Mr. Urazoe," Jen says with a bow.

"Just call me Wataru, kid!" He wipes his mouth on his arm and gets up. He dusts himself off and heads inside.

"So what're we having?" Hirokazu asks after Wataru disappears into the kitchen.

"I hope you guys like pig," Kai says as he looks out at the ocean. His silhouette standing there against that sunset looks really cool.

"Like what, ribs? Bacon? Chops?" Hirokazu asks.

"Everything but the oink," Kai says with a laugh.

It turns out he wasn't kidding. I don't think I've ever seen so much pork in my life. If I didn't know better I'd think they bought a whole pig for the occasion. Actually, they might have, and decided it wasn't quite enough so they added in some spam appetizers. Any way you can think of to turn a pig into food is probably somewhere on this table.

"Stop being so stingy!" Kai argues after Wataru again refuses to pour him any island sake: awamori, he calls it.

Wataru brushes Kai off. "You're supposed to set a good example for your little cousin and his friends, boy! No drinking."

"I keep telling you I'm not little," Takato says in a disappointed tone. Hirokazu laughs at him before digging into the pork shoulder.

"What? Now I can't drink just because they can't?" Kai asks, completely ignoring Takato's statement.

"That's right!" Wataru declares with a laugh.

"No way are you sticking me at the kiddy table, gramps!"

"Kiddy table?" Hirokazu and I both ask at the same time, only to get as much reaction as Takato did.

"We'll have to see how things go tomorrow, won't we?" Wataru asks. "Until then, this house is officially dry."

"But you're drinking right now!" Kai objects.

"Respect your elders!" Wataru smacks Kai on the forehead with his chopsticks.

"Takato, what exactly is happening tomorrow?" Jen asks.

Takato swallows his dumpling and shrugs. "I think Kai said something about going out fishing. It sounded fun."

Apparently noticing Takato was there for the first time, Wataru and Kai look at one another and start cracking up. That can't be a good sign.

"You guys better get to bed early tonight," Kai says as he tries to keep his laughter in check. "Trust me, you're gonna need it."

Definitely not a good sign.

Of course with Hirokazu around there's no way we're getting to bed anytime soon. No, after dinner he wants to go explore the beach at night. No one has the heart to turn him down. Besides, it's beautiful out here. More than I ever imagined it could be. I've lived in the city my whole life and I never once imagined there could be so many stars at night. There's not a cloud in sight and the moon isn't out. There isn't a single light for miles around. I could look at this sky forever.

Of course, this would all be a lot more serene if it weren't for Hirokazu going on and on about the tan he's going to get and how he'll get to show off his muscles to all the babes around here (even though Takato has told him a hundred times that not a lot of girls ever come by this island.) Kai kind of kills the mood too, taking every opportunity he can get to jump out of the shadows and startle Takato. I think I'm starting to understand why Takato was… less than excited at the thought of all of us joining him on this trip at first. Hirokazu was persistent though, and Jen talked about how fun the last trip to Okinawa five years ago was, so Takato finally gave up on trying to stop us.

I don't really mind Kai being so loud. It's who he is, I guess. Like Hirokazu. Besides, how could I stay mad at a guy who smiles that much? Not to mention taking us into his home and serving us all that food. This might sound a little weird, but in the soft starlight he's… really attractive. What? I don't mean it like _that_. It's just a compliment! You'd have to be blind not to see it. Kai Urazoe is not a bad looking guy. Ask anyone in the world and they'll tell you the same thing.

I would _kill _to look like that. You can tell he must exercise constantly. And that complexion would drive the girls back home _nuts_. Plus there's that hair, too. Normally guys look a little silly with one of those short ponytails, but he wears it really well. Not to mention his smile is only made better by having perfect teeth. Alright, I admit I'm jealous, okay? What of it?

No, it's not weird that I think about stuff like that. It's kind of hard not to notice. I mean he's right there. It's impossible to miss the guy, especially with how excited he is. It's kind of sweet, actually. You can tell he must love it when Takato visits. I wish I had family like that.

* * *

><p>I think I understand why it would have been a good idea to get to sleep early now. "You can't be serious," I grumble while reaching for my glasses. "The sun isn't even up yet."<p>

"Well the fish are," Kai says, sounding _way _too upbeat for this time of… I know I should call it morning, but morning involves things like breakfast and sunlight. Not being dragged from bed to go fishing.

"What time is it?" Jen asks, trying to smooth out a bad case of bed head. Judging by his tone he isn't too thrilled about this either.

"Fishing time," Wataru says briskly. He's already up, dressed, and loading up rods, reels, nets, and a pair of harpoons, if you can believe it. What does he take us for?

"C'mon, guys!" Kai says as he prods Hirokazu to get moving with his foot. "You want to eat? You gotta work for it!"

"Sleep now. Eat later," Hirokazu grumbles. His face is buried deep in his pillow and his whole body is curled up in a tight little ball under his blanket.

Takato yawns loudly as he pulls on a yellow t-shirt. He's already changed into a pair of blue shorts and he's got sandals ready to go. "Aren't you cold?" I ask.

"I'll be fine," Takato says as he pulls on a dark blue bucket hat. "If anything I'm worried I'll be too hot today."

"Well no way am I going out there without a jacket," Jen says, already wearing a grey shirt and some cargo shorts.

"Boat leaves in five minutes!" Wataru barks at us. "Anyone not ready to go gets to be our bait!"

"Better do what he says, Hirokazu," Kai teases. "He means it."

"He's not going to wake up, you know," Jen assures Kai.

"Yeah, when he gets like this you might as well be beating your fists against a brick wall," I add.

"Oh yeah?" Kai asks, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "We'll see about that." He reaches for Hirokazu with one hand. That's not going to work. I once tried to wake Hirokazu up by shaking him when he was this tired. He grabbed me and absorbed me into the covers like he was a giant amoeba or something. Wait a minute. Kai's not shaking him. He grabs the covers and—oh my.

"Gyah!" Hirokazu screams as Kai rips the covers off.

Takato and Jen both cover their faces with their palms and shake their heads. Kai goes into a laughing fit, barely managing to get out a quick, "Nice undies!"

"I got hot!" Hirokazu shouts, fighting for his blanket back.

Kai, you have no clue what you've just started, do you?

Hours later the sun is shining and all six of us are out on the water. There's only a few white, fluffy clouds overhead and the sea is the deepest blue I've ever seen. The nets are cast and the fishing rods are propped up. We actually caught a lot of fish this morning, though none of them would exactly break any records. Wataru has mostly been reading the newspaper—that or sleeping; it's hard to tell which. It's really peaceful, at least for the moment.

"Sunscreen?" Jen offers a tube of the stuff to Takato as he finishes rubbing it into his own leg.

"Thanks, Jen. I forgot mine," Takato smiles.

"This is _sooo _boring," Hirokazu whines. He's bare-chested, wearing his black shirt with some metal band's logo on the front on top of his head for shade.

"Patience, Grasshopper," Kai says with his usual grin. "For once you find the true Zen of fishing, you will see it is not the fishing that is boring, but yourself."

Hirokazu looks my way. "Should I take that as an insult?"

"I would if I were you," I say, smiling at him.

"I thought so!" Hirokazu declares with a grimace. "Well just you wait. You and I, we'll show this guy why no one messes with us!"

"I don't know," I tell him. "He's already got a bit of a lead on you. Especially after this morning, and I don't think he was even trying."

Hirokazu's face turns bright red once again. "I told you, I got hot!"

Jen, Takato and I all laugh. Kai, of course, laughs even louder. "So why didn't you take the blanket off and leave your clothes on?" he asks.

"Hey, I'll have you know I've got nothing to be ashamed of," Hirokazu says with a firm nod.

Kai smirks at him. "If you say so."

"Sunscreen, Kai?" Takato offers.

"No thanks, Takato," Kai says, quickly turning to face his cousin and waving the offer away. "I don't really burn."

"Hirokazu?" Takato asks. "Sunscreen?"

I catch sight of Hirokazu glaring at Kai. "Nah," he says. "If this Ryukyuan can handle a little sun, then I can too."

"I'll take some," I quickly chime in. "I burn just looking at pictures of the sun."

"All yours," Takato says, handing the tube my way.

"You sure that's a good idea, Hirokazu?" Kai asks. "You probably don't get much sun living in the city."

"Hey! I deal with a lot worse than nice weather, pal! I think I've got it covered."

"If you say so." Kai rolls his eyes and stands up. "Hey gramps! Grab me one of those spears."

"If you think you can handle it without cutting yourself again," Wataru says, shaking his newspaper. I swear I hear him chuckling.

"C'mon, gramps, I haven't done that since I was little!" Kai shucks off his bright yellow shirt, which was already unbuttoned to start with.

"And?" Wataru asks. "You still look pretty little to me!"

"We'll see about that!" Kai says, flexing all of the muscles in his arms. Wow. He is… seriously toned. I mean he looks kind of skinny but… wow.

"Have it your way," Wataru says gruffly. "Just don't start crying again if you poke your eye out. And at least _try _to stay away from the poisonous fish this time."

"I'll be fine, gramps. Besides, everyone knows Takato's the crier in the family."

"Hey!" Takato tries to interject.

"Nonsense!" Wataru declares with some authority as he hands Kai one of the harpoons by the dull end. "Every other day with you it's tears, boy! 'Grandpa, help! I got a boo-boo!' 'Grandpa, help! I can't hold my sake!' 'Oh Grandpa, why oh why won't that girl return my phone calls?'"

Hirokazu gets a big kick out of that. Kai looks like he's trying to shrug it off, but I can barely make out a bit of pink on his cheeks.

"You wait and see old man!" Kai says, dramatically holding the harpoon above his head. "I'll bring back enough fish to choke you!" He grabs hold of his hair tie and flings it down onto the deck, letting his abundant black hair fall freely around his shoulders before he jumps off the side of the boat.

"Alright, now that was pretty cool," I say.

Hirokazu snorts. "Showoff. I could do that."

"Enough flapping your gums!" Wataru barks. "You'll scare away the fish."

I don't mind the quiet. It's sort of nice, out here in the sun with just the sound of the waves. It's tranquil. The sea is breathtaking. I've never seen water so clear. I can even see Kai swimming around under the surface. He comes up every minute or so for air, and when he does his hair is matted all over his face. It's… hard not to watch. There's something about him. Like he knows how good he looks and can't help showing off. If I had abs like that I know I'd probably never bother buttoning my shirt either. Plus, he's a natural in the water. It's like he's half fish or something! He must have been doing this his whole life. I have to say, even though I'd miss living in the city I'm starting to see the advantages of growing up out here: lots of sun, an ocean to swim in, plenty of outdoor exercise. It's no wonder Kai looks so damn—

"Ow!" I cry out after Wataru smacks me over the back of the head with his rolled-up newspaper.

"Eyes on the fish!" he barks, the slightest hint of a smirk on the corner of his mouth.

I rub the back of my head as the other guys snicker at me. Was I… staring at Kai? That whole time? Weird.

We spend the whole day on the boat. Peaceful is one thing but by the time Wataru finally says we're heading back we're all a little on edge. Except Kai, of course. He takes the whole thing in stride. I'm guessing this is nothing out of the ordinary for him. At least he managed to bring in the biggest catches of the day, including an octopus that he assures me will taste great tonight. I thought he was kidding at first!

Sure enough we barely make it back to the house before Wataru tells us to wash up and get ready to start cooking. Jen, Takato and I all stare at him in disbelief. Hirokazu collapses on the floor. I wonder if I can get out of kitchen detail if I join him.

"Don't worry guys! I'll show you how it's done," Kai says. How does he grin so much? Especially after being out on a boat all day. Maybe he's insane or something. I guess it's true what they say: the pretty ones really are crazy.

…

Uh, forget I said that. I'm tired is all.

Now you would think having so many of us to help would make the cooking go faster. You would be wrong. I don't know about too many cooks spoiling the soup, but I do know if you throw a bunch of teenagers into a small space with sharp knives, a lot of seafood, and barely any cooking experience between them, it's a recipe for disaster. I hoped Takato at least would have some idea what he was doing, but I guess baking bread and cutting up octopus aren't all that similar. He flipped out when the suckers grabbed hold of him.

At least Jen keeps a cool head about the whole thing. I wouldn't expect any less from him, of course. He's pretty cool under pressure. It's like he blocks out the rest of the world when he's focusing on something. I can see how that would come in handy, given that Kai and his grandfather are trading insults back and forth while they try teaching the rest of us what to do. If I follow Kai's instructions too closely I'll wind up making an eel tempura with a side of miserable bastard.

Somehow we do finally manage to bring together a real meal. I don't know about taste, but for something we all had a hand in it looks delicious. It helps that I am _starving_. If it tastes like dirt I'll still eat every last thing I can get my hands on. Of course any time I tried to get a taste-test while we were making it Wataru was right there behind me just in time to smack me across the back of the head. I swear that guy must have been a ninja or something once upon a time. Now that the food is on the table though and we are all kneeling around it we can finally dig in!

"Hold it!" Wataru orders from the head of the table. I knew it was too good to be true. "How did you boys enjoy yourselves today? Too hard on you?"

"Piece of cake, gramps!" Kai gloats. He's sitting at the opposite end from Wataru.

"I'm not talking to you, brat! Takato, speak up, boy!"

"Fossil," Kai grumbles.

"It was, uh, great sir. Really!" Takato says, probably hoping to appease Wataru.

"What about you?" Wataru asks, turning to Jen.

"It was challenging, I admit," Jen says, smiling a bit. "I enjoyed it though."

"You should've let me have one of those spears," Hirokazu chimes in. It's hard to ignore how burned he got today; he's pretty much radioactive. "I'd have caught a ton more fish than Kai!"

"Hirokazu, do we really need to tell you why that is such a bad idea?" Jen asks.

"I think our parents want all of us to survive this trip," I add.

"And you there!" Wataru says, finally pointing to me.

"Oh, I thought it was good," I say, knowing full well that this is the first time I've described a day where I got rope burn from hauling in fishing nets as being good.

Wataru gives me a weird little smirk, the kind that I only ever thought Ruki could give. "Yes, I think it's pretty clear what you thought." What's that supposed to mean? "Kai! Go get the hanazake. These _men _are thirsty. And be quick about it you indolent tortoise!"

The insult rolls right off Kai's back and his whole face lights up. "Hanazake coming right up!" He's already half-way out the door before he finishes the sentence. I don't think his feet even touch the floor after he jumps up from his seat and bounds to the next room.

"Hanazake?" I ask.

"You'll love it!" Kai shouts, reappearing just as quickly as he left. He's carrying a bottle with him. "Trust me. Gramps _never _lets me have this stuff. We're in for a real treat!"

"Uh, I'm not sure my parents want me drinking," Takato says.

"Yeah, my dad is kind of strict about that," Jen adds.

"I am _so _in!" Hirokazu smiles fiendishly.

"Relax, guys," Kai says as he starts pouring some for each of us. "You'll only have a little bit, okay? It's not like it'll kill you."

"Damn right it won't," Wataru nods. "I was drinking twice that much when I was half your age!"

"See?" Kai asks. "And he's lived to be, like, a thousand!"

"Listen to my idiot grandson. A little hanazake will make you feel better after a long day."

"Well, I guess if it's only a little bit it's okay," Takato says as he looks at his drink.

"What your parents don't know won't hurt them, Jen," I point out.

Jen rubs his chin for a few seconds, studying his drink carefully until finally saying, "Well, it would be rude of me to turn down your hospitality."

"So we can eat after we drink, right?" I ask.

"Yeah, dude," Kai says, smirking my way.

"So let's do this!" I declare.

"Kanpai!" Wataru and Kai say together, both throwing back their drinks easily.

"Kanpai!" Hirokazu yells, trying to do the same. As soon as the drink hits the back of his throat though his eyes get _huge_ and he starts gagging and coughing, drawing laughter from Kai and his grandfather.

"Maybe you should try sipping it for now," Kai suggests. "It's got a bit of a kick."

Hirokazu lies on his back, groaning but not saying anything.

"Well, I guess if I go slow…" Jen says to himself.

I raise my drink to Jen. "Bottoms up."

We both take a sip and… I… think… I went _blind _there for a second! What the hell _is _this stuff? Why in the name of all that's holy would anyone willingly drink this? Am I _dying_? That was barely a sip! I cough but I can't get that burning taste out of my mouth!

Judging from the look on his face, Jen's not taking it much better. He's trying to keep stoic, but his eyes are bulging out and he's got a death grip on the table in front of him with both hands.

"Go for it, Takato!" Kai shouts.

Takato's practically sweating. I don't blame him. But how could he turn his cousin down? One way or another, this is going to happen. And, over the course of dinner, it does. He gets down his whole drink plus the rest of Jen's. Kai eagerly finished off mine himself. An hour later, we've all learned something we all probably should have suspected about Takato.

"You guys… you're, like, the best, uh… the best guys _ever_!" He's currently hanging off Jen's shoulder, wobbling unsteadily.

That's right: Takato can't hold his liquor. At all. If I was ever asked I'd have guessed he's a lightweight, but this is surprising even by those standards. I don't think Wataru and Kai felt a thing. Hirokazu got a little loose, but that's about it. Takato is ripped though. Plastered. Kai and Wataru say they had no idea it was possible to get that drunk off so little alcohol, but that doesn't stop them both from finding it hilarious.

Takato starts to sniffle. "I j-just… wish that he…" He's trembling. We can all tell where this is going, but there's no stopping it.

Jen pats Takato on the back. "Easy now, Takato. Take a deep breath and—"

Takato bursts into tears. He wraps his arms around Jen and bawls onto his shoulder. "I-I-I j-just miss m-my big red buddy so much!" Takato doesn't cry a lot these days, but this is as over-the-top as I've ever seen.

We've all made our second discovery about Takato this evening: he's a weepy drunk. Kai and Wataru find this even funnier, but Takato doesn't seem to notice their hysterics. He keeps on sobbing, occasionally stopping to hiccup.

"Dude, what's your deal?" Hirokazu asks. Tactful as ever, Hirokazu.

Takato keeps on crying. "H-he, the last time I… we were here… with the thing 'n all… I miss him!"

"Anyone catch that?" I ask.

"I think he means Guilmon," Jen says. Given how Takato sobs even louder at the word "Guilmon" I'm pretty sure Jen hit the nail on the head.

"Still bummed about Guilmon?" Hirokazu asks with a frown.

Takato nods. "He… he w-was my… my big red buddy!" He goes right back into a tears. This is going to be a long night.

I understand. The last time Takato was in Okinawa he still had Guilmon with him. This trip probably brings up a lot of memories for him. Jen too, but Jen's better at hiding it. And now of course I'm thinking MarineAngemon. I still miss him. Of course I do. How could I not? I know I didn't have him very long but it was like I'd spent my whole life waiting for him. Great, now Takato's got me all weepy too!

Takato hangs off anybody that will put up with for the rest of the evening. It takes some time, but we do finally get him to calm down. That or he starts sobering up. Either way he's still pretty tipsy when we all decide to turn in for the night. It's been a very long day and my little spot of floor crowded on all sides by the other guys looks pretty damn inviting. I hope Takato doesn't fall apart again, especially since I'm the one he's sleeping closest to.

As I'm starting to doze off something strange happens. Takato, pretty clearly still feeling weepy, rolls toward me, puts an arm around me and holds me like a stuffed animal for him to sob into. I might think this was a little weird if it weren't for the fact that he'd been doing the very same thing ever since dinner. It turns out that not only is Takato a weepy drunk; he's also a cuddly one as well. I don't really mind. After all the times he's been there for me I'm happy to return the favor. Takato's great, you know?

* * *

><p>We've been in Okinawa for five days and I am starting to feel… really pent up. After the other night we all agreed that would be it as far as drinking goes. Takato does still sleep pretty close to me, but that's not a problem. Hirokazu, since getting that nasty sunburn, has abandoned all sense of shame. He doesn't even cover up with a blanket when he strips down to his underwear at night. It's close quarters for everyone. All the time. Day and night. It's impossible to get a minute away even when you're bathing! There's only so much hot water to go around and everyone wants it. Though to be honest, a cold shower wouldn't be so bad at this point.<p>

I mean, just so I can get a minute away from everyone else.

Yeah.

Uh, anyway, we still fish every day and we still cook together. We did cut back on the fishing a bit, though, so we get at least afternoons off to hang out or wander around the island. That's what we're up to right now, down at the beach. I'm out in the surf with Hirokazu and Takato close by, a little closer to the shore. We're all watching Jen and Kai, who are facing off against one another at the water's edge. Takato let it slip that Jen was pretty good at tai chi last night and, well, I guess Kai's been learning karate from his grandfather. Kai was really excited to test himself against Jen. It's definitely all in good fun though; you can tell they're enjoying themselves.

Oh, and did I mention that neither of them is wearing a shirt? And they're both dripping wet from being in the water? Yeah.

"Go again?" Kai asks as he re-tightens the yellow and black bandana he's wearing on his head today.

"Sure thing," Jen says with a smile and a bow before assuming his stance.

Kai bows back with his own trademark smile. He's going to make the first move. He always does. He takes his position.

Kai moves in, throws a blow, and the next thing I know he's laying flat on his back on the beach. Jen, you are amazing, you know that?

Kai laughs at the whole thing, not bothering to get up. "Alright, that's three to two, Jen. Looks like you win this set."

"You sure didn't make it easy on me," Jen says, chuckling and offering Kai a hand.

"See? I told you Kai wasn't so tough," Hirokazu says with a shrug.

"Oh he's tough alright," Jen says.

Kai brushes the sand off himself. "Care to try your luck Hirokazu?"

"Bring it on!" Hirokazu says enthusiastically as he trudges back to the beach.

"This is going to get ugly, isn't it?" I ask.

Takato shakes his head. "It's the only way he'll learn."

"Hirokazu? Learn? Don't get your hopes up," I say.

"I hope Kai doesn't do any permanent harm," Jen says as he joins Takato and I in the water.

"Just you guys watch!" Hirokazu shouts back at us. "I've got this!"

"Good luck, Hirokazu!" I call out to him. He's going to need it.

"Now I don't want you going easy on me," Kai says as he cracks his knuckles and stretches.

Hirokazu smirks at Kai. "Don't worry, I won't."

Kai bows. "Whenever you're ready then."

That's all the prompting Hirokazu needs. He leaps at Kai with a yell and… promptly winds up face-down in the sand. Kai puts a foot on Hirokazu's back and flexes at us, beaming proudly over his triumph.

"Are you okay, Hirokazu?" Takato asks, trying not to snicker.

Hirokazu gives us a halfhearted thumbs-up, not even bothering to take his face out of the sand.

"So guys, you want to maybe go into town later?" Kai asks, taking a few steps toward us.

Hirokazu finally pushes himself upright. He wipes the sand from his face and spits out a mouthful before turning to look at Kai's back. I don't want to say Hirokazu's pissed, but he's not thrilled. I've seen that look from him before, and it can only mean mischief is afoot. Don't poke the bear, Kai. You're too cu—er, too cool to die so young.

"Yeah, that might be fun," Takato says. "Do we have to take a boat?"

Hirokazu is on his feet. He's got a twinkle in his eye and a grin on his lips. I'd warn Kai to watch his back, but… I can't do that to Hirokazu. Besides, sometimes you've got to sit back and watch the train wreck happen.

Kai nods. "Yeah, but—"

"Oh Kai…" Hirokazu practically whispers. Before Kai can turn Hirokazu has pounced, grabbing Kai's shorts in both hands. Oh Hirokazu, no! "Nice undies!" Oh Hirokazu, yes!

There's a red spray right in front of my face. Nose bleeding. Blood dripping off chin. Glasses fogged up. Can't. Look. Away.

Hirokazu is so stunned he can't even move. "You, uh, going commando today, Kai?"

"…Yeah." Kai's face is… so red it's almost purple. His smile is less cocky now. More embarrassed. Cute. So cute. Can't-look-away cute. "You, uh, see something you like back there?" he asks, trying to sound nonchalant.

Takato is speechless, trying to cover his eyes. Jen is definitely mad at Hirokazu, but no matter how hard he's trying he can't hold back a laugh. I am burning this moment into my brain. Must remember. Forever. Just… just… wow!

Kai clears his throat. "I'll, uh, get this." Hirokazu actually takes the hint and backs off. Kai turns around—sending more blood _rocketing _from my nose—and bends down to pull his shorts back up.

Hirokazu, I owe you big time.

Kai still doesn't turn to face the rest of us. "You guys enjoy the show?" he asks with a nervous laugh. You have no idea how much, Kai.

Suddenly Hirokazu looks my way and the shock disappears from his face. Now there's a wicked grin there. "What'cha thinkin' about, Kenta?" he asks slyly.

SHIT!

I plunge my face into the water without hesitation and start scrubbing furiously. Damn it, Hirokazu! Not cool, man! It's because of the climate! I'm not used to this kind of weather! That causes nosebleeds, right? Sure it does! I always get random nosebleeds whenever I've gone up into the mountains! That's the same thing, right? Right?

Alright, that should be good enough. I jump out of the water again, my hair sopping wet. I smile, which is easier than I expected even though it feels like my cheeks are on fire. "Nothing!" I shout back.

Hirokazu shrugs it off. I don't think Jen and Takato saw anything; Takato was too busy trying to cover his eyes and Jen was trying to keep himself from laughing. Hirokazu probably didn't see much. He's far enough away that he couldn't have seen more than a blur. Kai, though, he probably saw my bloody nose. He had to. I mean, he was looking right at me pretty much the whole time.

This is _so _embarrassing. It doesn't mean anything though! Nothing! I swear! It's the climate. Plus, I was surprised. Wouldn't you be? I know Kai sure was. Everyone was surprised, even Hirokazu! Damn it, Hirokazu, why'd you have to go and do something like that? Anyone could tell that Kai wasn't wearing underwear today. Or most days, really. I mean, I noticed at least. Why didn't you notice that, Hirokazu? I should be so mad at you right now! I'm not, but I should be.

Okay, this is leading to a weird train of thought. Stop it. It was nothing.

"So, uh, how about that trip into town?" Kai asks, quickly changing the subject. Thank you, Kai. Thank you _so _much. I could kiss you for that.

…

I know. Shut up. It doesn't mean anything.

Man do I need a girlfriend.

Like I was saying. Pent. Up. Being around these guys non-stop is driving me insane. See? That's why! I'd be all back to normal if I could just get some freaking time to myself. Is that so much to ask for? Huh? A little quality time with Kenta? I'm really not a bad guy once you get to know me.

The rest of the day passes pretty much without incident. It's all back to normal. We go into town for a while, visit some shops, ogle some girls, and then it's back to Kai's place for cooking, eating, and hanging out. It's like it didn't happen. Except that, of all people, Kai actually does throw out a few jokes about it. Somehow, Hirokazu is the one who's more embarrassed! Does Kai have some kind of special immunity to embarrassment or something?

Of course I can't sleep at all even hours after everyone else has passed out. Takato's breathing on me, Hirokazu's splayed out in nothing but his underwear, and even if Kai's snoring weren't enough to keep him right at the front of my mind it's impossible to ignore the fact that he's lying bare-chested only a few feet away with the moonlight bouncing off those impossibly perfect pecs and what I saw today is now my brain's permanent screensaver. Now all I need is for Jen to strip down and start doing his tai chi exercises and I will never, ever be able to sleep again. This. Isn't. Fair.

Okay, calm down, Kenta. Focus. Think about something else. Anything else. Think about… Hirokazu's nasty sunburn! Yeah, that's it. All day long he's been peeling off bits of dead skin. Gross! Seriously Hirokazu, nobody wants to see that. We don't care how much you can peel at a time. It's nasty. And I will _not _help you do your back! We're close, Hirokazu, but we aren't that close. Why did he have to go and get himself burnt? He hasn't been willing to wear a shirt in days because of it! Strutting around here like he owns the place. Shirtless. Sweaty. Maybe his shorts clinging to him after he's been swimming…

Damn it! Focus. He should have just used the sun screen. I should have made him use it! If I could go back in time I would grab that sunscreen, hold Hirokazu down and forcibly use it all over… his… body…

What the hell is _wrong _with me?

Two days. Only two more days and we're going home. That's not so bad, right? Even if I don't sleep at all I can make it two days. Then this will all blow over. Focus, Kenta. You can do this. It's only two days. I mean, how many more times could I possibly see Kai naked in two days? It's not like anyone's going to pants him on the way to the airport. Not even Hirokazu is _that _cruel.

How the hell can they all sleep so soundly? Why am I the only one that seems the least bit bothered by any of this? Why am I the only one who can't sleep?

…

I'm not normal, am I?

Never mind. That was a stupid question. I'm perfectly normal, damn it! Everyone says so! Every day at school, someone says to me, "Wow, Kenta! You must be the most normal guy I've ever met!" Okay, maybe I'm paraphrasing, but I'm plenty normal. Not a single thing weird about me. Nothing a good night's sleep won't fix. This whole trip is messing with my head. As soon as I get back home I can sleep in my own bed in a familiar city where I can get a minute's privacy. No more Hirokazu and his nasty sunburn. No more slaving away in the kitchen or on a boat. No more Takato snuggling up against me all night long. No more of Kai's perfect smile.

Why can I not get this stuff out of my head? I know I think about this sometimes, but never for very long. This is different though. Most of the time I've got something to take my mind off it. School or television or games or almost anything. Not out here though. At least the guys are all here to keep me distracted. I just wish they weren't so… distracting.

Forget it. I must be in an uncomfortable position. I probably need to roll over. Or go use the bathroom. Or go for a walk. Something. Okinawa is weird. Two days, that's all. I can make it two days. I could do two days standing on my head. Piece of cake.

* * *

><p>Don't ask me how, but I made it through in one piece. The last couple days were pretty quiet, over all. Hirokazu actually started wearing a shirt again once his sunburn was mostly peeled. He didn't try any more funny business, either, after that incident with Kai. Well, I should say that he didn't try any more funny business that would have been quite so embarrassing. He still tried to one-up Kai every chance he got. He even challenged him to a rematch after getting some pointers from Jen. He still lost, but he was a good sport about it.<p>

And yes, for the record I did finally get a good night's sleep once I made it back home. I can't begin to describe how much of a relief that was. My head's clear, I've got personal space and most importantly no one is barging in on me to use the hot water! The islands might be beautiful, but I am a city boy through and through. I've got to have my TV, my games, my internet, my fast food, and my freaking hot running water.

Don't get me wrong. I love hanging out with those guys. I wouldn't trade them for anyone in the world. How many times do you get to say you've got a friend who literally saved your life? But even when we were stuck in the digital world we weren't all joined at the hip. Being with those guys non-stop for a week would start to get to anyone.

It was great meeting Kai. He really is a nice guy. And funny, too. It's been a week but he's still fresh in my mind. I wonder if he'll ever visit Takato. I'd love to see that. For how much Kai loves having Takato around they don't seem to see very much of one another. I guess it's probably a little expensive to plan trips like that though. I think I'll miss Kai for a while. Even if he diddrive Hirokazu crazy. Maybe even _especially _since he drove Hirokazu crazy. And no, I don't think it's weird that I miss him. He's a good friend. He even said so when we were leaving. He called all of us his "new best friends." It was really touching.

I look at the luggage next to my bed. It's been a whole week and I still haven't unpacked yet. I think my mom's a little miffed about that. She's right, actually. I really should unpack. Those clothes were pretty ripe a week ago. I doubt being crammed into my suitcase all that time in this summer heat did them any good.

With a sigh I pick up my suitcase and place it on the bed. I unzip the top and start pulling out clothes, doing my best not to smell them as I toss them toward my hamper. I didn't realize how much sand there would be. It's starting to get all over my bed now. Oh well, I guess that's something new for my mom to nag me about. That should probably make her happy.

What's this? There's a box in here. I didn't put that there. Did I get someone else's stuff mixed in with mine? Looking back, that's pretty likely actually. Like I said, quarters were really close that whole week. I better see what's inside; maybe I can tell whose it is.

There's a note in here and a seashell necklace. It's like the one Hirokazu was looking at when we went into town, actually. He didn't buy it though since he was short on cash. How did this get here? Oh, right, the note. Don't be stupid, Kenta. Let's see what this says.

Wait, what does this say? This handwriting is _terrible_. It's chicken scratch on a torn piece of yellow, lined note paper. Is this even kanji? I can barely make it out.

_Dear Kenta,_

Well, that's a good start at least. Now I know it was supposed to be in my bag.

_Give this to Hirokazu and tell him it's from you._

Huh? That's kind of weird.

_I know he really wanted it but was strapped for cash. I feel bad for making him so jealous._

Ah, so this must be from Kai. See? Nicest guy in the world. Of course Hirokazu wouldn't even want to look at this necklace if he knew it was from Kai. I've got to admit, it's a really nice necklace.

_Sorry if I came between you guys. I can't help being such a stud. Besides, he's just too fun to mess with!_

What's he mean by that?

_Be sure to give your…_

What is this word? I've never seen handwriting this bad. I guess Kai Urazoe has his shortcomings after all.

_Be sure to give your boyfriend a big kiss for me! You owe him that much for checking me out all week. I figured the necklace could be the cherry on top. Peace out, dude!_

_Your friend,_

_Kai_

_P.S. You make the best soba ever!_

B-b-boyfriend? Kai thinks… He thinks Hirokazu is my BOYFRIEND? Kai thinks I'm GAY? What the _shit_?

I read it twice more to make sure I'm not getting screwed up on Kai's terrible penmanship. There's no denying it though. He thinks Hirokazu and I are going out. I drop the note.

Kai Urazoe really is insane.

I-I guess I should still give the necklace to Hirokazu though. I mean, he wanted it. And Kai wanted to give it to him. And I _know _it wasn't cheap. Probably best that I don't give Hirokazu any of the details though. He'd be really weirded out.

…

_I'm_ really weirded out! Were you drunk or something, Kai? Where did he get the idea that Hirokazu and I were going out? Where'd he even get the idea that I was gay? That's crazy talk!

I pick the letter back up and keep reading it again and again. I can't tear my eyes away.


	2. Strategy

The Fabulous Kenta Kitagawa

Chapter 2: Strategy

October, 2007

Li Residence, Shinjuku

"I don't think I can do this," I blurt out as Jen shuts his bedroom door behind us.

The first time I realized I was gay was ten months ago. Six days ago I came out to my friends. By three or four days ago pretty much my entire school knew. And tomorrow I'm going to tell my parents, unless the universe takes mercy on me and sends a bus to run me over. That would be good too. I don't want to do this. I really, really, _really _don't want to do this.

"Kenta…" Jen gives me an exasperated look as he drops his backpack next to the door.

"Sorry. I guess this was a waste of time. I'll just, uh, go now."

"Look, you don't have to talk if you don't want to," Jen says quietly. "But I think you want to."

I don't want to. I _have _to. "Can I try to relax for a minute?"

"Of course," Jen says as he takes off his blue school uniform blazer and hangs it off the back of his desk chair.

I drop my backpack and have a seat on Jen's bed. I asked him if we could talk and he said I could come back to his house after school. What made me think this was a good idea? I can't believe Jen agreed to it. "Thanks," I tell him, "For everything."

Jen smiles. "It's not a problem, Kenta. I know this is kind of a hard time for you."

I nod. It's not all that hard, but it's kind of weird. I mean, even though I made peace with who I am almost a year ago everyone else is still dealing with it. I don't really want to flaunt it before they've adjusted. I would never dream of asking Jen to talk about this, but he's been so supportive and I really had to talk to someone.

"Can I get you some tea or something?" Jen asks after I've been silent for a while. He's rolled up the sleeves of his white, collared shirt.

"No, I'm fine," I say, shaking my head. "Really, I don't mean to intrude. I was hoping maybe you could give me some advice though."

Jen sits down on his chair, facing me. "I can try. I'm not really an expert on this sort of thing though."

"No, but you are my friend," I point out. "And you always seem to have good advice."

Jen's smile brightens. "Thanks. What's on your mind?"

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Tomorrow I'm… I'm telling my mom and dad."

Jen doesn't say anything for a few moments. He nods, trying to take it in. "I see," he finally says. "Are you sure you want to? It might not be easy."

Understatement of the century Jen. "I know it won't. And I know it might… turn out bad. I wouldn't even _think_ about it, but…"

"But what?"

I sigh. "You know how it's been at school this week."

Jen nods. "I've gotten questions about it. I wasn't sure how to answer."

"Just… tell the truth," I say. "I thought about denying it, but I don't want to try and keep it a secret. Not after everything that happened." My glasses have slipped down to the tip of my nose; they don't fit very well since they're an old pair I've been wearing all week. My usual pair broke. "I don't want to hide it. Doing that only makes it harder." It was hard enough trying to keep it a secret after I realized it myself.

"We're all really proud of you, Kenta," Jen says completely out of the blue.

"Thanks. I wish being honest for once didn't have so many drawbacks."

"Has Taizou still been picking on you?" Jen asks. "I can watch your back if you want."

I laugh. "No, no. He's been pretty quiet all week, actually. Well, except for how his nose whistles when he breathes now."

Jen shakes his head. "I can't believe that happened."

"Well someone had to shut him up," I say.

"No argument there." Jen leans back and stares off into space. "You're full of surprises, you know that?"

"Yeah, well, they're not surprises to _everyone_," I say, looking at Jen.

"Sorry about that," he says with a little laugh. "Should I have pretended I didn't know?"

"Forget it," I say. "It helped a little. That you knew all along let me know for sure you wouldn't have a problem with it."

"None of us do," Jen says firmly.

"I really appreciate it," I say.

"So what are these drawbacks, exactly?"

"Well, uh, I know some of the guys are saying things behind my back," I tell him. "I can ignore them though. It's the girls that are the worst."

Jen looks stunned. "The girls? Really?"

"Not like you might imagine," I explain. "Let me ask you, do either of your sisters like, uh… certain periodicals featuring… How should I phrase this…?"

"Extremely effeminate guys in love?" Jen asks bluntly.

I laugh. "More or less."

"Have you never met my older sister?" he asks. "She's crazy for that sort of thing."

"Yeah, well, it turns out so are about half the girls at our school," I say.

"Ohhh…" Jen says, finally realizing what I mean.

"Yeah," I say with a nod. "When was the last time _you _were surrounded by a dozen girls asking if it hurts when you do it?"

Jen's jaw drops. "…Wow."

I can't help snickering at the look on his face. "At least the guys are a lot easier to ignore."

Jen picks his jaw up off the floor and shakes his head. "I'm so sorry, Kenta. I didn't even consider that part."

"Don't worry about it. Compared to what I've got to do tomorrow those girls are nothing."

"Kenta, I'll help in any way I can," Jen says. "But I've got to know… why me? I always thought you'd go to Hirokazu or Takato for advice before you'd come to me."

"It's kind of a delicate situation," I tell him. "I want to be really, really careful how I handle it. I need a strategy. That's not exactly the kind of thing Hirokazu's good at. I tried Takato, but he's been super busy all week long. Out of everyone, you're the most careful. You're great at thinking things through."

"Well, I can see how I'd be a better choice than Ruki."

We both laugh at that one. I can only imagine how Ruki's advice would go. Especially when her reaction when I came out was, "Told you so."

"I think I'll go to Ruki when I need advice on how to beat up jerks at school," I say with a grin.

"Alright, let's see." Jen sighs and looks up at the ceiling. "Do you know how your parents even feel about this sort of thing?"

"I wish." I put my elbows on my knees and my chin in my hands. "It doesn't really ever come up." I don't think they hate gay people or anything. But it's not like we ever talk about it. I worry they don't bring it up because they really don't like it. If they ever thought I was gay would they say anything?

"Maybe you could kind of feel them out or something," Jen says. "Find some way to mention it and gauge their reactions."

"I shouldn't," I say. "If I found out they didn't approve there's no way I could bring myself to actually admit it to them."

"They don't _have _to know, Kenta. At least not yet."

"But I know they're going to find out, whether I want them to or not," I say. "Everything's been going so fast since I came out. I've had a lot of near-misses with them this week. I just know that if they don't hear the truth from me soon they're going to hear it from someone else. If that happened, I… I… Jen, I've got to at least be the one to tell them the truth. Even if th-they hate me, I owe them that." I hiccup. Great, I'm crying. Who am I, Takato? I thought I was all cried out by this point.

"Kenta, everything's going to be okay," Jen says in a soothing tone. "They're not going to hate you."

I sniffle. "I hope not."

"Trust me," he says. "They're your parents. They'll love you no matter what."

I promised myself I wouldn't cry in front of Jen. I promised! Then again I also promised I wouldn't cry in front of Hirokazu. We all know how that turned out. I take off my glasses and wipe my eyes. Suddenly Jen's door bursts open and Shiuchon runs in, her long braided hair bouncing behind her.

"Jian, dad wants to know what sounds good for dinner."

Jen groans. "I don't care. Don't you know to knock first?"

"He says it's important," she says with a shrug before finally noticing me. Her smile instantly becomes a frown. "What's wrong, Kenta?"

"Nothing," I say as fast as I can while still wiping my eyes.

"Jian, don't tell me you've been making Kenta cry! What kind of friend are you?"

"It's not like that," Jen tells his little sister. "Could you please go? Kenta needs to be alone right now."

Shiuchon ignores what Jen has to say and climbs up on the bed next to me and gives me a hug. "Don't cry, Kenta. My brother's being stupid."

That makes me smile a little. "It's not—"

"Jian how could you?" she asks, cutting me off. "Just because Kenta's gay doesn't mean you two aren't still friends!"

Jen and I immediately trade shocked looks. "What?" we both ask at once.

"Shame on you, Jianliang!"

"Jen how could you do that?" I ask in a panic. "You told your little sister?"

"I-I swear I didn't!" Jen stammers. "Xiaochun, how did you hear Kenta was… that way?"

She shrugs. "I heard it at school. Everyone's talking about it. The question is why does it bug you, Jian?"

"It doesn't," Jen says, quickly defending himself. "Really! Kenta needed someone to talk to and I was helping him."

"It's true," I confirm. "Really, your brother's being super nice. I needed to—wait a second. You heard it at _your _school?"

"Uh-huh," Shiuchon says with a simple nod. "I think it's great!" She… she's still in elementary school! How did this news spread through a whole different school so fast? It's not like I called a freaking press conference! "So why are you crying?"

"Xiaochun, I'm sure Kenta doesn't want to—"

"No, it's okay," I say. Having Shiuchon here doesn't really bother me. She's a sweet kid. "I'm really worried about telling my mom and dad is all."

"Why?" she asks.

"I'm not sure how they'll take it. It's scary."

"Moumantai," she says, hugging me tighter. Really? Even she's using that one now? "It'll all be okay."

"She's right, Kenta," Jen assures me. "Don't worry about it too much. It's all going to work out."

I know they're only trying to make me feel better, but it's working. "Thanks. I still need to figure out what to say though."

"Take it slow," Jen says. "You don't want to spring it on them if they're not ready."

"_I _think you should just be honest, Kenta," Shiuchon says. "Tell them the truth and get it over with."

"I don't think that would work," Jen replies. "You don't want to shock them or anything."

"Why should they be shocked?" Shiuchon asks. "Hearing the truth is a good thing!"

"Yeah, but it's not always easy," Jen says back to her. "Try building up to it, Kenta."

"How would that go, exactly?" Shiuchon asks. "You want him to walk up to them and say, 'Mom and dad, I kind of maybe sort of suppose I've considered the possibility that I think I might in some sense be slightly somewhat barely almost interested in boys?'"

"Well of course not," Jen says. "Maybe you could start by saying you've got something important to tell them."

"Oh that's a great idea," Shiuchon says, rolling her eyes at her big brother. "They'll think he's in some kind of trouble."

Jen sighs. "Well it is pretty serious. He shouldn't spring bad news on them."

Shiuchon squeezes me tighter, to the point where it's getting a little hard to breathe. "It isn't bad news, Jian! They should be happy for him!"

Jen waves his arms in front of himself. "I didn't mean it like that! I'm just saying they probably won't think it's good news."

"Enough," I cut in. "This isn't really helping."

"S-sorry, Kenta," Jen says quietly.

Shiuchon loosens her grip. "Yeah, sorry."

"It's okay," I tell them. "Trust me. I've been going over all this in my head for a while. I've had this exact argument in front of the mirror a lot."

"I guess we're not much help then," Jen says sadly.

"No, really, it's okay," I try reassuring him. "I appreciate it, you guys. I was only hoping you could offer a different perspective."

"Alright, let's think about this," Jen says, stroking his chin. "How to admit you're gay…"

"Who's gay?" Jen's older brother asks, his head suddenly appearing in the door that Shiuchon managed to leave _wide open_! Jen and I both sit straight up.

"No one!" Jen says really loudly.

"Dunno!" I add.

"Kenta is," Shiuchon chimes in. Thanks, Shiuchon. Big help.

Jen lets out a frustrated groan. "Xiaochun! Don't you, I don't know, have to go do your homework or something?"

"And miss this?" she asks.

"Which one's Kenta again?" Jen's older brother asks.

"Uh, no one. Go away now," I say, quickly covering Shiuchon's mouth with my hand.

"Lianjie, what are you even doing here?" Jen asks.

He shrugs. "I needed to do my laundry."

Jen wrinkles his nose. "Laundry? Lianjie you're… you're twenty-four! You have your own place! With a laundry room in the basement!"

Jen's brother doesn't seem fazed in the least. "Yeah, but it's always busy. Besides, mom doesn't mind and I get free food here. Who's Kenta?"

"Forget it," Jen says as I keep my hand firmly on Shiuchon's mouth. "Go do your laundry or eat your food or whatever."

"No, I'm good," Jen's brother says as he steps inside, waving an open bag of chips for Jen to see. He pops one into his mouth as he sits down on the end of the bed next to Shiuchon. Wonderful. Looks like he's staying for the show.

"Look, Lianjie, this is sort of a private discussion…" Jen says.

"Should've had your door closed then," Rinchei says as he eats another chip. "Anyone could barge right in."

"We'll keep that in mind, okay?" Jen asks. "Can you and Xiaochun go now?"

Rinchei looks at Jen very closely, then suddenly grins. "Ohhh… Now I get it."

"You get what?" Jen asks.

"Hey, it's cool little bro. I don't judge. Does make a lot of sense now that I think about it."

"What are you talking about?" Jen asks, putting his hands on his knees and clearly getting a little impatient.

"Don't get upset," Rinchei shrugs. "I'm sure he's got a lot of great qualities. Just, uh, remember that I'll beat him up if he cheats on you and always be sure to wear a rub—"

"Lianjie! What the hell?" Jen shouts.

"Oh, right!" Rinchei says in a sudden moment of clarity. "Xiaochun. Cover your ears for this part, sis."

Jen squeezes the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. "Damn it, Lianjie I'm not seeing anyone and I swear to you on seven generations of our ancestors that I am straight."

Lianjie gives him a disbelieving look. "Are you sure?" Jen, I'm sorry, but your family is just plain weird.

"Yes!" Jen says, glaring right at Rinchei.

"So who's Kenta then?" Rinchei repeats.

"He's a friend of mine, okay?" Jen asks.

"Kenta… Kenta…" Rinchei ruminates as he eats another chip. "Is he the guy with the visor? Yeah, that makes sense."

"No, not—wait what?" Jen asks. "What do you mean 'that makes sense?'"

Rinchei shrugs. "I dunno. Always seemed a little… swishy to me." He looks my way, finally seeming to realize I'm here. "You hang out with him a lot, right Hiroshi?" he asks.

"Uh, do you mean to say 'Hirokazu'?" I ask. Is he kidding me with this stuff?

"Oh, yeah, sorry," Rinchei apologizes. "Anyway, Hirokazu, I remember seeing you two hanging out. You get that vibe off him too?"

I look back at him for a few seconds. Finally I simply can't resist. "Who, Kenta? Oh _totally_. I mean, if he got any gayer he'd stop traffic. Kenta is so gay that children, blind people, animals, inanimate objects and abstract notions can take one look at him and say 'Wow! That guy is really gay.'"

Jen barely chokes back a laugh. Shiuchon is nowhere near so restrained and cracks up, forcing me to take my hand away.

"See Jian? I told you so," Rinchei says.

I'm sorry about that Hirokazu. I really am. But… you're too fun to mess with. Even if you aren't here.

Shiuchon manages to stop laughing long enough to finally say, "Lianjie, _this _is Kenta."

"O-oh! S-sorry about that, dude." Rinchei blushes, but that isn't about to stop him from smiling. "So the guy with the visor is Hiroaki then?"

"Hirokazu," Jen, Shiuchon and I all say at once.

"Whatever," Rinchei says dismissively. "Just so we're clear, he's still gay, right?"

I groan. "No such luck."

"Really?" Rinchei asks. "Have you… checked?"

"Okay, that does it," Jen says, standing up quickly. "Xiaochun, go play."

Shiuchon huffs. "Fine! Lianjie, you're staying for dinner, right? What should we get?"

"Hey, you know me. I'm good with whatever if I'm not paying for it."

"A big help you guys are!" she says, stomping out into the hall.

"Could you please close that door?" I ask. The last thing I need is anyone else busting in.

"You got it," Rinchei says, nudging it shut with his foot. "So what brings the pride parade to town?"

Jen groans. "Lianjie…"

"I needed Jen's help," I say, determined not to let it get to me. "I'm telling my parents tomorrow and I could use some advice on how to do it."

"Send them an e-mail," Rinchei says as he eats another chip.

"Don't be stupid, Lianjie. That's a terrible idea," Jen points out. Rightly so.

"Don't knock it, bro. After all, I told mom and dad I was getting married in a text message." What? Rinchei Li is… engaged? When did this happen? What the hell made him think to tell his parents in a freaking text message?

"That doesn't count!" Jen replies.

"Does too!" Rinchei responds adamantly.

"You were drunk!" Jen says back. "And you'd only met her that night!"

"Hey, I was totally serious about going through with it the whole time I was drunk," Rinchei says with a little pride in his voice. "It's not like it's my fault I sobered up."

Jen presses his forehead with his palms. "You don't even remember her name!"

"Details, bro. Details." Rinchei, you are a true romantic.

"Kenta, don't listen to my brother. He's any idiot," Jen says, looking right at me again. "Sit down with your mom and dad and talk to them."

"Fine, do that," Rinchei says, sounding a little defeated. "But at least write out what you want to say ahead of time."

I look at Rinchei. "That's… actually a really good idea," I have to admit. I probably shouldn't sound as surprised as I do, but I wasn't expecting that.

"I don't know," Jen says. "Reading from a script sounds a little cheesy. I think this is the sort of situation where you're supposed to speak from the heart."

I look back at Jen. "If I let my heart do the talking I'll probably start rambling about what would happen if Ryou and Kai started wrestling in a mud pit." Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?

"Gross," Rinchei says succinctly. "And I'm not saying to read it like a script. Just have it on paper so you know what you need to cover."  
>"Well that's the problem," I explain. "I've got no idea what <em>to <em>say!"

Rinchei looks at me like I'm an idiot. "Well, this is right off the top of my head, but you might want to try 'Mom, dad, I'm gay,' or something like that."

I sigh. "It's not that easy…"

"Why not?" he asks.

"Lianjie, you don't get it," Jen tries explaining.

"Clearly not." Rinchei has another chip.

I wish I knew someone—anyone—that understood what I was going through. I've never even met someone else who was gay before. At least not that I know of. I know I've got a lot of friends and they're great and everything but I can't help feeling like I'm going through this all alone. "If only I knew someone who knew about this kind of stuff," I say, more to myself than either of them.

"Idea!" Rinchei exclaims as he immediately pulls his phone out.

"Lianjie?" Jen asks suspiciously. "What are you doing?"

"Calling an expert," Rinchei says, not bothering to look away from his phone.

"I really don't think Kenta wants—"

Rinchei holds up a finger at Jen. "Shush, it's ringing."

"No, really," I insist. "Please don't—"

"Jialing!" Rinchei says excitedly into the phone. Great, that's all I need: Jen's older sister in on this insanity. "What's up? …Uh-huh. …Yeah, but— …Okay, shut up. We've got a question. How's a gay dude supposed to come out to his parents? …What? No! Not me! …No, not him either. I mean, I thought so too at first, but he swears up and down—"

"Hang up the damn phone, Lianjie!" Jen says furiously.

Rinchei motions for Jen to be quiet again. "Don't be rude, bro; I'm talking to your big sister. She probably knows this sort of stuff backwards and forwards, don't you think?"

"How exactly is a straight girl supposed to know _anything _about this?" I ask.

"She reads that damn stuff all the time. She probably picked up a ton of useful tips," Rinchei says, waving a hand at me. "You still there, sis? …No, it's one of his little friends. …Kenta, I think. …I don't know. Kinda short I guess. Skinny. Glasses. …No, Jialing, I don't think he's 'adorable.' …No way am I asking him that!"

I groan and grab hold of my head. I can't believe I've accidentally come out to three people now in the last few minutes. At this point it's becoming less of a conscious choice and more like an involuntary function, like breathing. It doesn't really help that the Li family is apparently full of kids with big mouths. It's because of stuff like this that I know my parents are going to find out soon, whether it's from me or someone else. I've already put this off longer than I should have. It would have been so easy last week to tell them when they asked about my broken glasses, scrapes and dirty uniform. I couldn't bring myself to tell them though. I'm still not sure I can.

"Fine!" Rinchei yells into the phone before holding it out to me. "Here. She wants to ask you something."

I take the phone. Great. This is sure to be enlightening. No longer am I merely answering the way-too-personal questions of girls at my school. Now girls as far away as Hong Kong are calling me on the phone for my big, gay fountain of knowledge. "Hello?"

"_So do you have a boyfriend?_" Jaarin asks on the other end. Yep, this is starting off exactly as expected.

I take in a deep breath and slowly let it out. "No." What is with some girls? You never see guys going up to lesbians asking if—wait, maybe they do. Better not to bring that up now. I doubt any answer I could get from Rinchei Li wouldn't be entirely representative of most guys.

"_Too bad,_" Jaarin says. "_If you did he could at least be there for you. That's how my friend Lin did it. He says it made things a lot easier on him._"

"You've got a gay friend?" I ask. This is… I wasn't expecting this, that's for sure.

"_Kenta, please. I've got, like, ten,_" she says. "_Look, if you don't have a boyfriend, then maybe just having a friend or two there could really help. They could be your moral support. Plus, I'm betting your parents would be less likely to completely freak if they've got guests, you know? Do you think they'll freak?_"

"I don't really know," I tell her.

"_Hmm… you need a backup plan then._"

"Backup plan?" I ask.

"_Yeah, you know,_" she explains. "_I mean I really hope it goes okay, but you never know, right? Have an escape plan, somewhere to hide out while they cool off._"

"Do you think that's necessary?" I've thought a lot about what would happen if they didn't accept me, but I never really considered what I'd do then. If they did throw me out I… I'd be on the streets.

"_I hope it isn't_," Jaarin says quietly. "_But, well… Lin's boyfriend sort of needed an escape plan. Then again he knew his parents wouldn't be okay with it. He's doing better now, but it was scary for a while._"

My parents love me. I know they do, but this is different. I can't imagine what they might think about this. "So what do you think I should do?" I ask her. "If… I need a backup plan."

"_Stay with a friend for a few days. Ask Jian! I'm sure he won't mind._"

"I couldn't do that to him," I protest. "He's already done so much for me."

"_Nonsense. It's not like my family doesn't have the room to spare since Lianjie and I moved out. Well, at least I did. Lianjie's over there even more than he was in high school._"

I laugh. "Yeah, he's getting his laundry done now."

Rinchei's ears perk up and he looks my way. "What'd she say about me this time?"

"Oh, nothing," I say coyly. "Jaarin, I'll ask someone. Probably whoever I get to act as my moral support." Hirokazu, most likely. He's been really helpful… in his own way. He still acts like Hirokazu of course, but I know he'd do this for me in a heartbeat.

"_Good thinking,_" she tells me. "_Now let me ask you this: do you think your parents suspect? Could they already know?_"

"I'm… I-I'm not sure," I have to admit after a second. There's been a few times where I thought I was busted but they never said anything. Were they playing dumb for my sake? At the time, of course, I was praying they didn't suspect anything from it, but now… it would be so much easier if they did suspect. At least I'd know they wouldn't freak out.

"_Hmm, that's tricky,_" Jaarin muses. "_If they already know it would be a lot easier. But you don't want to assume they know and drop this bomb on them without warning if they never even suspected._"

"Of course not," I tell her. Then again, they probably do suspect. I mean, I don't want to treat them like idiots. They'd have to be almost blind not to know something's up, wouldn't they? I'm not "flaming" or anything, but I do notice that sometimes I do things that are kind of… okay, _super _gay. Like when mom was redoing the living room and I offered to help her pick out swatches. Freaking swatches! Stupid move, Kenta. What was I thinking?

"_Take it slow at first,_" Jaarin suggests. "_Get a feel for it. If it looks like they know what you're going to say, go for it._"

"Thanks, Jaarin. That really helps." I can't help smiling. I'm glad I came to talk to Jen about this, even if his whole family had to get involved.

"See?" Rinchei asks Jen. "Am I brilliant or what?"

"Technically, Jialing's the brilliant one here," Jen replies. "You were just lucky enough to have a sister with a ton of gay friends."

"Yeah, she's got a regular harem going," Rinchei says with a laugh.

The door suddenly opens again and Shiuchon steps inside followed closely by her mom. Oh Shiuchon, no! Please tell me you didn't! Not your _mom_!

Mrs. Li smiles at us. "It's not every day this house is so busy. Can I get you all some tea?"

"N-no thanks, mom," Jen says nervously.

"All good in here," Rinchei adds.

I shake my head. I don't know if she knows but the sooner I get her out of here the better.

She looks my way. "Kenta dear, you look so pale. Is everything alright?"

I nod vigorously but I manage to hold my tongue. Judging by the way things have been going, if I do open my mouth I'll probably come out without meaning to.

"You get my laundry started?" Rinchei asks. "Sorry to drop in like this."

"Yes, sweetie. Don't worry about it; we love it when you visit." She's still smiling and thankfully she's turned her attention away from me. "Jianliang, you should open your blinds and let a little light in."

"O-okay, mom," Jen says, getting up and going to the window. He still sounds a little shaken. Try imagining how I feel, Jen!

"That's better," Mrs. Li says as Jen adjusts the blinds. "Enjoy the sun while you can. It might be a while before we get another nice gay like this." That smile of hers disappears for only a split second. "DAY. I meant day."

Kill. Me. Now.

Jen and Rinchei both let out groans. "Xiaochun…"

"_What happened?_" Jaarin asks.

I don't respond for a couple seconds. I look at Mrs. Li with my eyes bugging out. It was hardly noticeable, but there was a crack in her motherly veneer. "Your sister's got a big mouth," I finally say into the phone.

"Mom how could you?" Jen asks, still standing by the window.

Rinchei can't hold back a laugh anymore. "Nice!"

"S-sorry, Kenta," Mrs. Li apologizes, bowing repeatedly. "I only wanted to make sure you're doing okay." Okay? No I'm not doing okay! Even talking to Jen about this was embarrassing enough! I don't need his entire family getting in on the fun!

Shiuchon rolls her eyes. "There he goes again," she says, no doubt referring to the blush I feel getting more intense by the second.

"You know," Rinchei muses. "If we keep going at this rate, sooner or later his parents are going to barge in here and this whole problem will solve itself."

"You're not helping, Lianjie," Jen is quick to point out.

I hand Rinchei's phone back to him. "Here, talk to your sister," I tell him. Hopefully that should keep him distracted enough not to say anything too stupid for a while.

"C'mon, Kenta," Shiuchon pleads as she sits next to me on the bed again. "Give my mom a chance. She's a great listener!"

"Now honey, let's not make Kenta uncomfortable or anything," Mrs. Li says calmly.

"A little late for that," I mutter.

"I understand," she says with a little laugh. "So, if you don't want tea or anything can I get any of you boys a soda?"

"No thanks," I say quickly.

"Jianliang?" Mrs. Li asks.

Jen seems lost in thought. He doesn't respond right away, but after a few seconds his looks me right in the eye and says the very last thing I would have expected. "Kenta, there's no good way to say this, but… I think you should talk to my mom about sex."

There's about half a second of dead silence before Rinchei and Shiuchon burst into hysterics. I can even hear Jaarin laughing through the phone!

My jaw drops. "J-Jen! Wha—I—you—Gah!" I sputter. My brain takes a few seconds to reboot, and when it does the only coherent thing I can get out is, "…Your _mom_?"

"You think it's going to be any easier talking to _your_ mom, Kenta?" Jen asks. He's completely serious. And, since he's Jen and all, he's got a good point. "Besides," he goes on, "unlike the rest of us she probably has some idea what your parents might want to hear from you and how they'd want to hear it. Right mom?"

Mrs. Li smiles at Jen. "Well, I'm not sure about all that but I'd love to try and help."

I can't believe I'm hearing this. Jen, is your family from China or freaking Mars? I'm on to you! Report back to the mothership because your mission has been compromised! No human family could be this… this… weird!

"Kenta…" Mrs. Li begins as she steps closer to me, stopping to bend forward slightly and place a hand on my shoulder. "I know this is scary for you, but this isn't anything you should be ashamed of, okay?"

I let out a defeated sigh and hang my head. "I know…"

"Your parents are going to love you no matter what you say or do," she says. "But they're going to worry, too. I know I worry about my kids every day." I catch sight of a few bashful smiles around the room. "They probably worry about you all the time already, don't they?"

I nod. "Yeah." When they saw me after I got in that fight last week they almost lost it. I didn't want them to worry so I didn't tell them any details, but that only made it worse. It's a good thing Hirokazu showed up when he did that day or… I don't even want to think about what could have happened.

"Well, this is another thing they're going to worry about," Mrs. Li says. "No matter what you say they're going to think about all the bad things that could happen to you because of this. Try and reassure them that you'll be careful. They just want to know you're safe and happy. I know that's all they'll care about."

"You don't think they'll be mad?" I ask, hoping for a good answer.

"It might be a surprise," she tells me. "They'll probably be scared about what this means for you. They might question themselves. Maybe they'll have doubts and regrets. I can't tell you that they couldn't react badly, but even if they are angry they won't be angry at you. No matter what, your parents will always love you."

I blink away a tear. "…Thanks."

"That was beautiful, mom," Rinchei says as he wipes his own eyes. I never thought I'd see Rinchei Li cry in a million years.

"Yeah, mom, you're good at that," Jen agrees.

"Told you so," Shiuchon says with a big smile.

"You don't raise four kids without getting the hang of this sort of thing," Mrs. Li says with that same proud tone I remember Rinchei having. "And remember, Kenta, if you do need to get away from home for a little bit you're always welcome here."

"Thank you," I say, bowing slightly. "But… how do I tell them? What do I say? I still don't even know how to start."

"Well, if you want you can practice on me," Mrs. Li suggests. "Say whatever it is you want to tell your parents."

"Uh, no thanks. I'd feel silly." Not that I don't feel silly already. As touching as all this is, it's still bizarre.

"It's not silly, Kenta," Shiuchon says, hugging me again. "You can practice on all of us."

"Yeah," Jen chimes in. "We're all here to help you."

"Eh, I could use a good laugh," Rinchei says with a little shrug. "Jialing? You in? …Jialing too."

"No, really! I c-couldn't!" I say. "You guys have been a ton of help, really. This seems like a little much is all."

"Give it a rest," Rinchei says. "Now grow a pair and come out to us, damn it. And do it right!"

Jen gives his brother another exasperated look. "Lianjie, that's not—"

I don't give Jen a chance to finish because I burst out laughing. What can I say? Rinchei is _funny_. "Alright, alright. You've got a deal."

"So let's hear it," Rinchei says.

"Okay, here it goes…" I say. I take a deep breath and try to collect my thoughts. Everyone stays quiet and waits for me. They might be weird, but Jen is really lucky to have a family like this. "I, uh, I want to tell you guys s-something. I don't… I'm not sure you'll like it but, I… It's important and I need, uh, a little help." I stop. I sound like such an idiot.

No one laughs. No one looks away. They stay focused on me. "Keep going, you're doing fine," Jen says after a few seconds.

I cough. "What I mean is I've got to say something. It's not going to be easy to hear, but, uh… That is to say, I… I want you to know that I'm safe. Oh, and happy; can't forget happy. And I… I feel good about this. I'm, uh…" I've stopped again. Why is this so hard? With my friends it wasn't anywhere near this bad. Even with random people from around school it's getting easier. But even imagining telling my parents is impossible. The words aren't coming to me and even though my parents are blocks away. There's no way I can actually say this to their faces, even if I did somehow find just the right words. Shiuchon squeezes me and Jen's mom pats me on the shoulder.

I run a hand through my hair and cough a little. "This isn't easy," I mutter. "Let me just…" They're looking at me, but not judging. They're smiling, waiting for me. Supporting me. I really, really hope my own family is this nice. Please let this work out. I sit up and clear my throat. I have to say the words. I open my mouth and speak loud and clear. "Mom. Dad. I'm—"

"So here's where everyone's been!" Jen's dad says as he sticks his head in through the door. "What does everyone want for dinner?"

No one says a thing. Not one word. Not even a noise. We all stare at him wide-eyed. He looks confused. Not that I blame him.

"Is everything alright?" he asks after a few really awkward seconds.

The rest of the Li family all quickly break eye contact, clearing their throats or making various "uhs" "ohs" and "ums."

"Really?" I have to ask. "Now is when you all learn to keep quiet?"

"Oh, hello Kenta," Jen's dad says. "I didn't see you there. What's going on? Did I say something wrong?"

Again, no one says a damn thing. "Don't worry about it," I tell him. "You've got the same sense of timing as the rest of your family."

"Mayumi?" he asks. "Everything alright in here?"

"Nothing to worry about, Jiangyu," Jen's mom says sweetly. "We can talk about it later."

I look from one Li to the next. It's not really a surprise with Jen, but Rinchei? And Shiuchon? No one is going to state the obvious? "I can't believe you guys!" I finally say.

Jen's dad frowns. "What is it, Kenta?"

I feel Jen's mom pat me on the back. I look up at her and she gives me a reassuring smile. I start to laugh, and I mean I _really_ laugh. You guys picked a funny place to draw the line. Well I guess if I need practice, this is the time to get it. "Mr. Li, I'm gay."

"Oh," he says, nodding. This is usually the point with everyone I've told so far that I feel ready to throw up. Not this time though. There's a short pause before he continues. "Good for you, Kenta. Will you be staying for dinner? We're having take-out but no one wants to tell me what we should get."

I chuckle a little more. "No thanks, Mr. Li. I should probably be getting home. I bet my parents are worried sick."

Jen, you've got a great family. Weird, but great. You're really lucky.

I get home a lot later than usual. My parents are watching TV in the living room when I walk in, but they're both up as soon as the door closes. They want to know where I've been. They've been a little antsy since I got in that fight last week. I tell them I was over at Jen's place to do a little homework. They look relieved for now, but I know it won't last long. Mom says dinner will be ready in a little while. Until then I'm going to hang out in my room.

Tomorrow is going to be big. And scary. Jen and his family really did help a lot but I still feel sick even thinking about it. How can I do this to them? I should call Hirokazu after dinner and see if he'll come over tomorrow. I know he will. He'll drop everything to be here if I ask. And if things do turn out bad, well… I know he'll insist I take his bed while he sleeps on the couch. That's the way Hirokazu is.

I can't believe I'm really going to do this. I _have _to do this. Not that having to do this makes it any easier, of course. In the last year I've thought about it a lot. I've tried psyching myself up to tell them. I chickened out every time. I never even started to tell them. I won't stop this time. I have to keep going. I have to. I won't be afraid.

Okay, maybe I will be afraid, but I won't chicken out.

Maybe.

I hope.

It would be so much easier not to say anything. If they do find out from someone else… well, I can deal with it then. They say it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, right? I don't want this to be the last family dinner I have. Even if they're fine with it this is going to change things. Mom's not going to think of me as her little boy anymore. Dad's not going to be so proud of everything I do. I'm going to be some stranger that looks like their son.

After the first time I admitted that I was gay to myself it was like all the little pieces of my life finally fit together. I felt whole, somehow. Everything made sense. But at the same time I was scared out of my mind. Everything was different. I was different. When I looked in the mirror it didn't feel like I was looking at myself anymore. It was a stranger looking back at me, someone I'd never met before. I wasn't the Kenta Kitagawa I'd always known. I don't want my parents to feel the same way about me. I don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't want them to worry. I know they already do, but… not about this. They worry about my grades and if I'm getting enough to eat. Being gay, though… that's a whole new _level _of worries. They don't need that.

I love my mom and dad. I really, really do. How could I do this to them? I can't help the way I am. Believe me, I tried. I tried for a long, long time. There's no changing it. But that doesn't mean they have to know. Telling them is a choice. They're happier not knowing. Ignorance is bliss.

Tomorrow is going to come whether I like it or not. Sooner or later they're going to find out about this. I'm not stupid. It won't be a secret forever. But for right now they don't have to know. For right now they don't have to worry. For right now we can still be a happy family. That's all they want. How could I take that away from them? I love my mom and dad too much to ever do that to them.

…

They worry a lot already. I don't talk with them the way I did when I was a kid. If they ask how my day was I just tell them it was "fine." We don't talk about homework or my friends or much of anything. It just got so much easier to shut them out than to always be watching what I say around them. I love them, but we hardly even talk. After that fight they wanted so badly to know what happened, to know that I was okay. I told them I was "fine" and that they shouldn't worry. That just made it worse.

I wish my family was as close as Jen's. That doesn't just happen though. If that's what I really want I have to try to make it happen.

I get up and go back to the living room. Mom and dad are still there on the couch watching television. I love my mom and dad. They need to know that. They need to know I'm safe. They need to know I'm happy. They need to know I love them. No matter how painful this might get or how scared I might be, they need to know. Tomorrow is too long to wait.

"Mom? Dad?" I ask quietly. "Can we… can we talk for a minute?"

* * *

><p>[I just need to make mention of two things in this chapter. First, the names. The members of the Li family refer to one another using the Chinese pronunciation of their names, but Kenta, like most folks, uses the Japanese pronunciation. Sorry if there was any confusion over this, but I was trying to keep true to the characters.<p>

Second, I want to send out my sincerest thanks to Ori, the writer behind the works uploaded by Taiki Matsuki. I strongly endorse all of his works. He inspired this chapter and most others in this story, and his feedback has been greatly appreciated.

with love,

ian]


	3. My Date with Ruki

The Fabulous Kenta Kitagawa

Chapter 3: My Date with Ruki

March, 2008

Shinjuku

Kai holds me close to his chest, his beautiful brown eyes looking down into mine. He smiles sweetly and brushes his hand over my cheek. "I love you, Kenta," he whispers as he leans in for a kiss.

Of course it's at that exact moment that I wake up to the sound of pounding on my front door. Today is off to a wonderful start. I yawn and grab my glasses off the nightstand. I can see the sunlight trying to peek around my drapes as I get up to go out into the hallway and head for the front door. There's more pounding as I approach.

"The bell does work you know," I grumble as I turn the knob. I'm not expecting what I find on the other side. "Ruki?"

"Rise and shine, Kitagawa," Ruki says with her usual disinterested frown. I have to squint to see her in the bright morning light, but after my eyes adjust I can see she's wearing her sunglasses, jeans, steel-toed boots, a tank top and a bomber jacket.

"What are you doing here?" I ask as I rub my eyes.

"We're going out," she says nonchalantly.

That's unexpected, especially from Ruki. "Um, I don't know if you got the memo, but you're not really my type. Besides, aren't you already seeing—?"

"Take it easy, lover boy. I'm only dragging you along because I need some girly advice on clothes."

As tempting as it is to ask why, I groan at her request. "So why come to me?"

"Isn't it obvious?" she asks with one raised eyebrow. "You are, by far, the girliest person I know."

"What about Juri?" I suggest. "Or your mom? She's a fashion model, isn't she?" Not to mention the fact that they are both actual girls.

Ruki shrugs at me. "Like I said. Girliest. Person. I. Know."

"I'm not really all that into shopping," I say. "Go bug someone else."

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that," she snorts. "I'm sure that'll make you feel all better when you and your life partner are picking out china patterns and debating over which potpourri should go in the guest bedroom."

I roll my eyes at her. "Ruki, I'm gay. I'm not my mother."

"Cut the crap, Kitagawa," she says crossly. "Nobody spends that much time in the closet without learning a thing or two about clothes."

"What makes you think I know anything about fashion?" I ask her. "Have you seen how I dress?" I point to the t-shirt and pajama bottoms I'm wearing. "Just because I'm gay doesn't magically turn me into some sort of fashion guru."

"What color is this shirt?" Ruki asked, pointing to her tank top.

"Chartreuse."

"You were saying?"

"Touché," I have to admit. "But come on, my being gay doesn't—"

"Name three colors that are also foods," she says.

I snort. "I don't have to put up with this."

"You already have them, don't you?" she asks.

Of course I do. "No…"

"Fess up, Kitagawa."

I sigh and hang my head. "Salmon, mango and Champaign. Orange and peach seemed too obvious. And I don't like plum as a color or a food."

"Get changed," Ruki says. "It's almost eleven and we don't have all day."

"Some people like to sleep in on weekends, you know," I point out. "And what makes you think I don't have other plans today?"

Ruki turns her nose up at that. "With who? Your boyfriend's out of town, isn't he?"

Yeah, boyfriend. Don't I wish. "We've been over this, Ruki. Hirokazu's straight."

"Yeah right, and I'm a genuinely nice person. Now come on, the sooner we get going the sooner you can get back to moping in the dark."

Sometimes it's simply no use fighting with Ruki. Most of the time, in fact. Okay, there's never any use fighting Ruki on anything. And here I was hoping that since I'm gay at least I wouldn't have to deal with pushy women. Why must I always get the worst of both worlds? "Make yourself at home," I tell her. "I'll be out in a couple minutes."

"Trust me, you're about as 'out' as you can get, Kitagawa," Ruki says as she steps inside.

"Hilarious," I say as I shut the door and start walking to my room. "I wonder if I'd get all the guys too if I had a sense of humor like yours."

"Sorry to burst your bubble, but it's not my sense of humor," she says. "Guys can't resist a rich bitch that can kick their asses."

I can't help snickering at that one. "Guess I'm out of luck then."

Ruki shrugs as she looks around my living room. "Yeah, probably. At best you could pull off the bitch part."

I smile and shake my head. "You're a real sweet-talker, Ruki."

"Yeah, I'm a peach. Now get moving."

"Take it easy," I say. "Hang out here while I get dressed."

"I'm not going anywhere," she huffs. "And can you at least _try _not to gay it up too much? No neckerchiefs or shit like that."

"Ruki…" I groan.

"Alright, fine, you can put on your guyliner or whatever. Make it snappy though. If you even think of spending the next half-hour using 'product' in your hair it will not end well for you."

I don't know why Ruki makes me out to be a screaming queen. Sure, I'm not all that subtle sometimes, but I don't act any different than I ever did. I'm still regular old Kenta for the most part. I put on my pants one leg at a time like everyone else. Speaking of which I've got a nice new pair of tan slacks that I've been dying to try out and this looks like the day! They're kind of snug, but when I tried them on in the store they made my butt look so—

Er, that is to say, I think I'll be wearing my tan slacks today. They should look really good with this black t-shirt I've got. It's a little tight. Actually, maybe a little tighter than I remember. Should be fine though. I should grab a jacket on the way out though; it's probably a little chilly today.

"Move your ass, Kitagawa!" Ruki shouts from the living room.

Patience is a virtue, Ruki. Not that you bother with any virtues, so this is par for the course. Well suck it up a little longer. I head for the bathroom, catching sight of Ruki glaring at me while I'm in the hallway. I'll be quick, I promise! I can't go outside looking like a complete mess, you know? Even if she is going to chew my ass over it, I'm gelling my hair so the front kind of sticks up. Laugh all you want, Ruki, but you know it looks good on me.

Ruki can't drag me out of my apartment fast enough for her liking. She barely even waits for me to make sure I have my keys before she drags me outside. We get down to the street and I'm about to ask her where we're going when she hails a cab and it pulls up alongside us.

"Get in," she says, holding the door for me.

"Aw, what a perfect gentleman you are," I say with a smirk.

"Well someone has to be and you've already got dibs on being the useless chick."

"We don't have to take a cab," I say. "This is too expensive."

"I'm buying," she says. "Now shut up and get in. I don't want you too tired to prance around looking for pretty shit by the time we even get there."

"Ruki, why are you doing this?"

She groans, clearly losing patience. "Just get in."

They say there's no such thing as a free lunch, but that's not what this feels like. It's more like I've been kidnapped. I'm pretty sure kidnappings are free. May as well enjoy the ride.

"Omotesandō," Ruki says to the driver after she gets in and shuts the door.

Within twenty minutes we're walking into what is easily the ritziest clothing store I've ever seen. High ceilings, sleek modern design, everything in white, black or polished metal, and a ton of natural light pouring in through the glass storefront. Looks like it's all women's fashion, very high-end stuff. I'm surprised they even let us inside without checking our credit rating. There are only one or two other customers and four or five employees wandering around, all of them dressed like they're on the way to a cocktail party, and three of them are men. I don't really like to judge, but… you don't exactly need to be psychic to figure out that I am the straightest guy in this store. Why does Ruki need _me _exactly?

Speaking of well-dressed lurking salesmen, one of them is on us before the door closes. "May I help you?" he asks in a tone that is somehow both friendly and vaguely unsettling, like he can smell the stench of the middle class all over me.

I start to stammer. "Th-that's okay. We're just, uh—"

"Eveningwear," Ruki cuts in briskly, hardly even glancing in the salesman's direction. "Get me a changing room too, and don't skimp on the Perrier."

The salesman seems to relax a bit. "Right this way, miss," he says with a smile.

Before I know it I'm sitting in a chair covered in black leather so soft it would make a cotton ball feel like sandpaper. Ruki is standing a few feet away, inspecting a rack of dresses after sending the salesman scampering off.

"Hey Ruki?" I ask. "I've got to know… Do you do this kind of thing all the time?"

She snorts. "Please. I hate coming to these places."

"So why…?"

"Just because I hate it doesn't mean I can't do it," she goes on. "My mom has dragged me to places like these my whole life. I know how the game is played."

"Did you have to be so rude to that guy though? He's only doing his job."

"It's what they expect." She takes a dress off the rack and makes a face at it.

"But how do you—?"

Ruki puts the dress back and starts looking at the displays. "I'm a people-person."

"Well obviously," I say with a little laugh.

"Ugh. What is with some of this stuff?" Ruki asks, looking bamboozled at yet another dress.

"It's not your style that's for sure," I say. "This place is a little too…"

"Too far up its own ass?"

I was going to say "elegant" or "classy" but sure, that works too. "Yeah, that."

"Well then it's a good thing a brought you along," she says. "I need someone that can at least stomach this stuff."

"Always happy to be a doormat," I say, sipping my imported bottled water, which tastes exactly like regular water by the way.

"If you're good maybe we can pick up something for you," she says. "You like pinkie rings, right?"

I glare at her in disbelief. "Ruki, the joke is that gay guys have _good _taste."

"You're right. What was I thinking? We'll see if they have any mesh shirts."

I have to admit, I suddenly have no idea where the whole "good taste" stereotype could have come from if any gay guy could look at himself in the mirror wearing a mesh shirt and think "I look good." No wonder I had such a hard time accepting it at first.

"Screw it," Ruki says after another minute of looking through clothes. "This whole idea was stupid. We should just go get lunch or something."

"Leaving so soon?" I ask her. "C'mon, we haven't even picked out some lingerie for you yet."

She scowls at me. "You do realize I could snap you in half like a twig, don't you?"

"You'd have to catch me first."

"Not exactly a challenge with all the extra pounds you've been packing on these days."

Ouch. "Low blow, Ruki. Low blow." I close my jacket to hide my belly. I mean, I'm not fat or anything, but I know I've added a couple extra inches to my waistline.

"Seriously though, these clothes are… ugh. How could anyone wear this stuff?"

"Maybe we should start with shoes instead," I suggest with a sigh.

"Crap, I've got to get shoes too?" she asks with a sneer. "No way. I'll wear one of my other pairs."

"Yeah, steel toes are the classic compliment to elegant eveningwear," I point out. "You probably don't even own any high heels, do you?"

Ruki turns to me in a flash. "Heels?" She looks insulted at the mere suggestion. "No way in hell am I wearing heels."

What can I do but shrug at her? "You said you wanted to be girly. Girls wear heels."

Ruki grumbles at that, tossing a red, backless dress aside.

I've waited as long as I can take for her to tell me. I have to know! "So why the sudden interest in dressing up?"

"It's for a bet," she says, starting to look through some skirts.

"A bet?" I ask. "What kind of bet?"

"A bet with Akiyama," she says plainly.

I shake my head in disbelief. "You two have one weird relationship." It's true. Ruki was even the one to ask him out first. Well, "ask" isn't really the right term, I guess. It was more like she told him they were going to see a movie. I'm pretty sure she pays for everything too. I'm not even convinced Ryou realizes they're dating.

"I wouldn't talk about weird relationships if I were you, Kenta," she says, giving me a look. "Not when your boyfriend is so deep in the closet that he's finding Christmas presents."

"I keep telling you, Ruki: Hirokazu is straight." Cute, but hopelessly, irredeemably straight.

"Sure he is," she says with a little chuckle. "That explains why he's over at your house every day bringing you presents, right?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I tell her. "He's being a good friend. That's all."

"We all know that Schwarzenegger box set didn't buy itself," Ruki points out, "and there's no way _you_ bought it either."

"Who says I can't like action movies?" Granted, they're not really my thing. And Hirokazu did, in fact, buy the set for me. Hirokazu's got… strange taste. He's only trying to be nice though. In his own way.

"And the stack of first-person shooters?" Ruki asks.

"So he let me borrow a couple games," I say.

"Yeah, right. Let me guess, he bought you chocolates in a heart-shaped box, too. Another classic 'friend' gift."

"Well now you're just being silly," I let her know. All the candy came in regular boxes.

Ruki sighs. "And somehow _I'm _the one in a weird relationship."

"I don't have a problem with you two or anything," I assure her. "But how many couples do you know that bet over things like dressing nicely for a change?"

"Like I'd ever want to be in one of those _normal _couples," she says with a snort. "If I ever get all sappy over some guy, I want you to kill me on the spot."

"How do I know you won't kill me for trying?"

"You don't," she says, looking at me with a smirk. "Better work on your aim."

"So what exactly is this bet?" I ask. "You have to dress like a girl for a change?"

Ruki nods. "Pretty much. He bet me I couldn't go one date 'acting like a lady' as he put it."

"That does seem like a bit much for you. No offense, but you're not exactly girly."

"None taken," she says. "Compared to Akiyama, nothing I could wear would make me the girly one between the two of us."

"I have a hard time picturing it," I say. "I mean, Ruki Makino… acting like a girl."

"Just you wait," she tells me. "I can be girly as shit."

"Without a doubt. So what happens if you do win?" I ask, knowing full well that if Ruki was setting the terms it would be something sadistic.

"A fair trade," she says with a little smirk. "If I can go girly for one date, he can go girly for one day. Before we get anything let's make sure it'll fit Akiyama too for after I win."

Wow. I did not need to know that about Ruki's interests. "This is only what, your fifth date? Don't you think you should hold off on the crazy for a little while?"

"Relax, I'm only having a little fun with him," she says. "Hey! What about this one?" She shows me a skirt.

I lean forward to get a better look at it. It's as close to Ruki's taste as anything she could hope to find in this store. "Ruki, exactly what is it about a snakeskin miniskirt with big metal studs that screams 'girly' to you?"

"The miniskirt part, obviously," she says. "Besides, you can't tell me you wouldn't mind seeing how Akiyama would look in this."

I can only groan. As much as I hate to admit it, Ruki really does need my help when it comes to shopping. "Alright, stand back and let me find you something tasteful."

"About time you made yourself useful," she says smugly. "I didn't bring you along so you could carry my bags and check out guys. Those limp wrists of yours would tear like wet tissue paper under any more weight than your nail polish."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm a regular makeover magician," I tell her as I stand up to take another look at the dresses. "But just so you know, you're buying lunch and we _will _be checking out guys."

"So it'll be another normal day then."

I chuckle. "Like you've ever paid for lunch."

"I'll make an exception this time, if only so I can pick where we eat," she says. "If I let you pick we'd somehow manage to find the only gay fast food joint in the city."

"Please, I'm sure there must be more than one," I say as I find a dress that looks like it would match Ruki's eyes perfectly. "Hey, check this out. This would be just _darling _on you!"

She cocks her head and looks at me. "'Just darling?' Either you've given up all pretense or they finally got around to having your testicles repossessed."

I cough. "Er, that is to say I think this dress would look good on you."

"Keep looking, Mary."

"How about this green one then?" I ask. "It's satin and it'd look C-U-T-E _cute_." Yeah, that one was mostly for Ruki's benefit. Sometimes you've got to throw her a slow pitch.

"For the record, are you picturing these dresses on me or Akiyama?"

"I don't see why I can't do both at once," I say with a little grin. "Now where's that dressing room you asked for?"

"Kitagawa, just so we're clear, _I'm _the one trying on clothes today," she says, sounding tired. "You keep your clothes on. Nobody needs to see that much body glitter."

"Seeing you in a dress for a change is all the reward I need," I say. That and the camera in my phone.

We keep shopping for a while longer. It's not easy, but at long last I do manage to get Ruki to agree to buy _something_, even if it is stretching the definition of "girly" a little thin. Still, she's Ruki and you've got to take what you can get. And what I can get is a good lunch. Ruki picks the place, and it's actually pretty nice. We get a seat right outside a nice little café, so we're free to people-watch while we eat. And by "people-watch" I of course mean…

"So what about that one?" Ruki asks, pointing at a guy a little older than us walking past.

I adjust my glasses to get a better look. "Six. Also, straight."

"Bullshit," she says. "He's a four at best."

"No way!" I say, trying to keep my voice low enough that he doesn't hear. "He's at least above-average."

"Kenta, Kenta, Kenta," Ruki says, shaking her head back and forth. "You always fall hardest for the ones you can't have, don't you?"

"What can I say? There are a lot of cute, straight guys out there."

"Well come on, what about that one?" Ruki asks, pointing out another guy. "He's got to at least be bi."

"Ugh. What is with that hair?" Bleached-blondes do not do it for me.

"Picky, picky," Ruki says. "You can't afford to be so picky at the rate you're going."

I frown at her. "And what do you mean by that?"

"Oh, nothing," she says with a shrug. "Just that you ate your lunch like you were afraid it was going to try to get away."

"I was hungry!" I feel myself blush and again close my jacket self-consciously.

"No doubt you worked up an appetite thanks to the oh-so-manly work of shopping for a dress." She grins and kicks the full shopping bag at her feet.

"I still can't believe you wouldn't let me get you that pink one with the frills," I tell her with a smile. "You would have been _so _adorable."

"No bet in the world would have been worth that, no matter how fitting it would be on Akiyama."

"Now who's the picky one, huh? Besides, who _wouldn't _want to see how that dress would look on Ryou?" I can't help myself sometimes. Ruki's going to make her jokes either way, so I might as well join in, right?

"You know, I can prove that you only like the ones you can't get," she says. "What's your number for Akiyama?"

"Well that's not fair, Ruki. Hell, even Hirokazu admits that Ryou's hot." Wait… I don't think Hirokazu wanted me to tell anyone he said that.

Ruki sips her drink with her usual smirk. "Of course he does. Not the point."

I shrug. "I guess if I had to give him a number… Nine."

Ruki looks at me cockeyed; I think I've actually managed to surprise her for once in my life. Hell, even the first time I told her I was gay all he said was "Told you so." "A nine? That's it? The way you drool over him I'd hate to see the guy you count as a perfect ten."

"I do _not _drool over Ryou!"

"I'm sure he'd appreciate hearing that the next time you can't stop staring at his ass."

For the record that only happened twice as far as Ryou knows. "Now Ruki, everyone knows his eyes are his best feature. I could get lost in those baby-blues." His awesome butt is merely a nice bonus.

"Don't you dare tell him that," she says in a huff. "He's got enough of an ego as it is."

"Okay, I admit Ryou is way hotter than most guys," I say.

Ruki shrugs. "If you like that type."

"But it's not like he was a gift to mankind from the gods as some sort of living monument to unsurpassed beauty," I go on.

Ruki laughs. "I'm sure he'll be crushed to hear that. Maybe I'll bring you along next time I see him so you can tell him that to his face."

"Yeah, like I could actually say that to him." I roll my eyes. "I can barely manage to say 'hi' without tripping over myself sometimes. I'm sure he thinks I'm weird enough as it is."

"Yeah, probably," Ruki says. "He eats the attention up though, no matter how much he pretends not to like it."

"I don't know about that," I say, staring off into space with a little smile. "He really is a great guy when you get to know him. I mean he's kind and honest and he's so happy to be everyone's friend…"

Ruki grimaces at me. "Stop before you make me throw up!"

"Hey, you're the one dating him," I remind her.

"You want to trade? Be my guest."

"Are you sure you want to do that?" I ask.

"Good point. If we did that I'd wind up with Hirokazu." She looks a little woozy at that prospect. "Tell you what. Keep them both and have yourself one crazy night on me. Let's consider it your birthday and Christmas presents for the next fifty years."

Ruki, I know you're kidding, but you've probably supplied me with my new favorite fantasy. "…Can I get that in writing? If we hurry we can get Ryou naked on my couch by dinnertime."

Ruki's expression turns to abject disgust. "Look, the sooner we get off the topic of Akiyama the better. I swear I can already feel my lunch backing up. If he's not your perfect ten, then who is?"

I shrug. "It's nobody you know."

"Try me."

"Why so curious all of a sudden?" I ask.

"No reason," she says nonchalantly, leaning back in her chair.

"Wait, let me guess. By any chance you and I wouldn't happen to have similar tastes in manga, would we?" I ask with a huge grin. "You know the kind I mean." I'm joking of course. Mostly. Then again, if I'm right, maybe we can trade.

She leans forward and punches me in the shoulder. I suppose I deserved that. "Just answer the question."

"Like I said, you don't know him." I rub my shoulder. Good thing she held back.

Ruki flashes a look at me that says I should probably fess up. "Name."

Eh. At this point what do I have to lose? "Kai Urazoe."

She rubs her chin. "Sounds familiar."

"He's… Takato's cousin," I remind her. That's someone I wish I didn't have to bring up today.

"Oh yeah," she says with a nod. "I met him once. He was alright I guess."

"Alright? You think he's only alright?" I demand, standing up from my seat and looking her right in the eye. "Ruki, you and I aren't even living on the same planet if you think he was 'alright.' Have you seen that gorgeous tan of his? That wild, untamed hair? His breathtaking smile? Not to mention he's built like a freaking Adonis. And if you'd seen what I saw you, uh…" Thinking back to Hirokazu's prank always makes me blush a little. Suddenly I realize I'm making a scene. More than a few sets of eyes have turned my way. I think I've overplayed my hand.

Ruki gives me a wicked grin as I sit back down and pull my chair in. "You need to take a minute?" she asks. "Need anything? A cigarette? Maybe a change of pants?"

I clear my throat. "I'm good."

"And is he gay?"

"Of course not," I tell her, exasperated.

Ruki nods. "I think we've proven my point, don't you? You only like the guys you can't get."

I snort. I'd hate to think she's right about that, but… well, I do have a bad habit of falling for the wrong guy. "Maybe. Since when do you care anyway?"

"Just making conversation." Of course she is. No need to be so smug about it though, Ruki.

"Can we talk about something else?" I ask. This is getting old.

"Suit yourself, drama queen."

"Ruki, I know this is asking a lot from you, but could you lay off the gay jokes a little?" I'm not really in the mood anymore.

"Or what?" she asks snidely. "You'll have your boyfriend beat me up? I gotta tell you, I'm not exactly scared."

"I mean it," I say, trying to stay calm.

"So do I. Hirokazu doesn't stand a chance. You best be ready to kiss his boo-boos when I'm done. I'm sure he'll just love that."

"Damn it, Ruki, can't you go five minutes without a gay joke?"

She raises an eyebrow at me. "Can you go five minutes without being gay?"

"That's not the same and you know it. There's more to me than being gay, you know. I'm not some… some kind of fashion accessory you can wear out to a day of shopping and talking about guys."

"Good thing, too. You don't go with this outfit at all." She's still smirking at me.

I sigh. "Ruki, just… just shut up."

"Gay jokes getting a little old?"

"Very."

"Well get used to them, because they're not going to stop."

I growl at her. Like, actually growl. "Do you always have to be such a bitch?"

"Look, even if I did stop you'd still get them all the time," Ruki says, suddenly looking serious. "If not from me then from someone else. At least mine are funny."

"You don't get it, Ruki. I know this is something I've got to deal with, but I don't want to think about it every second of every day. Can we go a little while without talking about how incredibly gay I am?"

"I see." She closes her eyes and nods. "You'd rather I not say anything about it."

"Kind of."

She looks sad all of a sudden. "You'd rather I be like Takato."

"I…" …Damn it.

She takes off her sunglasses and looks me in the eye. "So how long has it been since he last talked to you?"

I glare at her, but she's unfazed as usual. "Three months."

"Takato's an ass," she scoffs.

"No he isn't. He's not good at this sort of thing is all."

"You're a dumb-ass to defend him."

"It's my fault."

"Yeesh. Your boyfriend was right. You are depressed."

"I keep telling you, Hirokazu's—"

"Yeah, yeah, denial's a river in Egypt." Ruki pauses a moment and sighs. "You didn't have a choice. Takato did."

I don't want to talk about this anymore… "Ruki, why did you really drag me along today?"

She leans back, looking out toward the street. "Your boyfriend was going out of town and he needed me to check up on you. You should've heard him begging. It was pathetic. I finally said yes just so he'd shut up."

Hirokazu was worried? Weird. I mean, I guess this will be the first day in a while he hasn't stopped by, but… "Why'd he ask you?"

"Because he loves ruining my day." She takes another sip of her drink.

"That's not what I mean," I say. "Why did he want you to check in on me?"

"Isn't it obvious?" she asks, looking me up and down. "As far as I can tell you've been spending all your time in a dark little room stuffing your face and crying your gay little eyes out."

I clench my teeth. "Leave me alone."

"This mood you're in is getting really old," she says. "Snap out of it. Depression doesn't suit you."

"I'm not depressed!" I snarl.

"Good," Ruki says, keeping as cool as ever. "I guess my job's all finished here then."

"Yeah, looks like it," I say.

"I knew there was no way would you let a stupid little thing like this get you down. Not you, Kitagawa."

That… That almost sounded like a compliment. "What do you mean by that?"

She groans then points a finger at me. "If you ever tell anyone I said this they will never find your body. Clear?"

"Crystal."

"You've got guts, Kitagawa."

I'm stunned. That was a compliment! "You… really think so?"

"Yeah. That's why you're not going to let this get you down."

"You're full of it," I say. "I'm not brave."

"Enough of the pity party," she says. "You're almost as pathetic as your boyfriend."

"But I'm not—"

She cuts me off. "Who was the one that followed the rest of us into the digital world even without a partner? Who was the one that stood up in front of everyone and shouted 'I'm gay' for all the world to hear and didn't give a rat's ass what anyone thought?"

"Me, I guess."

"Damn right it was. But remember that I said you were gutsy, not smart. Those were two of the dumbest things I've ever seen anyone do in my life." She gives me a wry smile.

Somehow I knew it was too good to be true. "Oh."

"Look, Kitagawa," Ruki starts again. "I put up with a lot from you in the digital world, but I wasn't about to let you go and get yourself killed. Sure as shit I'm not about to change that stance now."

"Um, no offense, Ruki, but you haven't really been making this any easier."

She glares at me. "Like hell I haven't."

How does she not see it? "Every time we see each other you rip on me non-stop for being gay!"

"And you think that's a bad thing?" she asks like I'm an idiot or something.

"Yes! As a matter of fact I do!"

"Do you honestly think this would be any easier on you if I never mentioned it?"

"I… It couldn't hurt." Except that it would hurt. Takato... How could you?

Ruki relaxes. "Face it, Kitagawa. I'm probably the one person in the world you're most comfortable talking about this with."

The hell is she talking about? "Like hell. I can talk about this with anyone. You're the only person that can't stop with the damn jokes."

"Is that so? Who _do _you talk to about it?"

"Well for starters my parents are okay with—"

"Yeah," Ruki interrupts. "I'm sure you just _love _talking to your parents about sex."

"Not about sex," I say. "But I… I answer the questions they have. Things are going okay."

"I'm sure your parents ask about all the juicy details," Ruki says. "I take it you've told them if you're a top or—"

"Okay, no!" I say quickly as my face gets hotter. "We don't go into stuff like that. Who would want to?"

"That's the point," Ruki says. "You're not comfortable talking to them about what's up with you."

"That doesn't mean I'm any closer to you though," I point out. "I mean, it's not like I'm going to tell you about… that."

She smirks. "You don't have to. It's pretty obvious."

And my face gets hotter still. "There's Hirokazu. We talk about this all the time."

"Oh please." Ruki rolls her eyes. "He still giggles like a school girl if he hears the word 'bra'."

I'm sure Hirokazu would be insulted by that. I'd stick up for him if it weren't true. "Well, alright, but Juri is totally supportive. We talk about guys a lot."

"Yeah, I hear she tried to set you up with some guy. How'd that go?"

"I'm not interested in dating right now," I say. Neither was he, it turned out. At least not in dating the only openly gay guy in school.

"So, she's trying to set you up, right?" Ruki asks.

"Yeah!" At least she's trying.

"Has she ever bothered asking what you're going through?"

"Not really. She's trying not to intrude though."

"Maybe," Ruki says, "or maybe she'd rather talk about romantic crap than anything that matters."

"Well at least she respects my boundaries, unlike you!" I say.

"Anyone else?" she asks, completely ignoring me.

"Lots of people! There's Jen and, uh… Ryou I guess, that one time, and… and…" My circle of friends was never what you'd call huge. And now there's one less than there used to be.

"But not Takato." The look in her eye… I swear she can see right through me.

"No! Not Takato! Happy?" How could he do this to me after everything we went through together?

She punches the palm of her hand. "I could beat him up for you if you want."

I drop my gaze and sigh. "This isn't a joke, Ruki."

"You're right. Jokes should be funny."

I glance up at her. "What do you want from me?"

Ruki sighs. "You know what I hate?" she asks.

"I could guess," I tell her.

"I hate paying for taxis," she starts. "I hate shopping. I hate crowds, fancy food, pain-in-the-ass salesmen, checking out guys, and wasting my time."

"What does that have to do with—?"

Ruki cuts me off once again. "I hate all of those things but you and I are going to keep doing them for as long as it takes. The whole time I'm going to make every last gay joke I can think of right up until you get it through that rainbow-flag-waving, assless-chaps-wearing, Cher-singing, guy-ogling, theater-going, disco-dancing, disease-spreading, cross-dressing, drug-addled, sashaying, lisping, mincing, gay little brain of yours that there is not a damn thing wrong with you! You get me?"

I swallow nervously. I can't tell if she's being nice or threatening to kick my ass. "Um, just for the record I-I don't—"

"Doesn't matter!" she barks. "That's what some people are going to think and you're going to have to put up with it. I don't care what you're into, Kitagawa. If you get comfortable in your own skin though, what does it matter what anyone else thinks about you?"

"But… Takato, he—"

"He's an ass," Ruki says coldly, squinting at me. "Say it."

"Ruki, you don't—"

"Ass."

"He's only—"

"Say it!"

I let out a long sigh and look down at the table. "Takato's… an ass."

"Good boy."

Ruki… I hate to say it, but she's right.

She's right.

…But I still miss my friend.


	4. A Little Help from my Friends

The Fabulous Kenta Kitagawa

Chapter 4: A Little Help from my Friends

May, 2010

Juri's Dorm Room, Musashino University

I can honestly say that when I woke up this morning I did not expect to wind up sitting in Juri's bed holding her bra tonight.

"Sorry about that, Kenta," she says with a little giggle.

"Don't worry about it," I tell her as I hand her bra to her.

She tosses it in her hamper, next to the desk she's sitting at. "This whole place is a mess right now, you know?" She's right about the mess; for a room with three girls living there it's somehow sloppier than I imagined. Still, it's nothing compared to what I have to put up with.

"Believe me, I understand about messy roommates," I tell her. "You wouldn't believe the places Hirokazu manages to leave his underwear."

"At least there's only one of him." Juri laughs and crosses her legs. She's already dressed for bed, wearing green pajama pants, a yellow t-shirt and slippers shaped like smiling lions.

"Trust me; one Hirokazu is more than enough." No one can say he's not unique, that's for sure.

Juri turns on her desk lamp. "Thanks for coming over, Kenta. I really needed the distraction tonight, you know?"

I shrug. "My pleasure."

"Really, you didn't have to," she says with her usual smile. "We could have just talked over the phone. I know it's not easy to get across town this time of night."

"Juri, seriously, it's not a problem." Mind you more than ten miles each way on a bus was not how I wanted to spend my Saturday night, but it really was the best option I had. "Besides, it's not like I'll be able to go back to my room for a few hours."

"Why not?" she asks with a confused look.

I snicker to myself. "Oh, let's just say that Hirokazu's, uh, 'using it' tonight."

"Using it?"

"You know. 'Using it.' Sock on the doorknob, music playing, vaguely unsettling sounds coming from inside…"

Juri laughs. "You're kidding!"

I shake my head. "Afraid not. I thought it would be rude to interrupt, you know? I mean, he has a hard enough time getting girls as it is with the rumors about the two of us."

"He still gets those?" Juri asks.

Ever since high school. "At this point more people _think_ he's gay than _know _I am." Juri and I laugh over that. My poor, sweet, heterosexual Hirokazu. To be fair though, I wasn't the one that insisted we be roommates; that was all his idea.

She grins. "Well give him a feel-better kiss from me."

"Yeah, I'm sure that would make the situation _so _much better." Not that I would turn down the opportunity, of course. "So what about you? Where are your roommates tonight?"

"At a party," she says with a shrug. "They said I should come but I felt like staying in; it's been such a long week, you know?"

"I know the feeling." Same old Juri. I can see the stack of books on the desk next to her; they're mostly psychology or childhood education textbooks, though it's a little hard to tell behind the papers and photographs and mementos and everything that clutter every available inch of her desk.

"Still, it's too bad that Hirokazu gets to 'use' your room when you don't."

I groan. "Tell me about it." What can I say? I'm not exactly lucky at love. Or even lucky at getting lucky. You could say that luck and I are not on speaking terms.

"If you want, I do know a few guys that might be interested," she says with an impish grin.

Juri always knows how to get my attention. "Are they cute?" I ask.

She's beaming. "Adorable. If you want, I might be able to set something up."

"Juri, you wouldn't toy with a lonely boy's heart, would you?"

"There's only one catch," she says in a pseudo-serious tone. "You must divulge all your secrets to me!"

I can't help laughing. "Okay, but no pictures."

Juri giggles. "Really, I'd be happy to see if they're interested. There _was_ something I wanted to ask you about though."

"Oh?"

"It's a little personal," she tells me. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"Okay. But still, no pictures," I say with a smile.

She laughs again; I like making Juri laugh. "I was wondering about how you… y'know, came out."

Strange. Juri's never asked about that before. "Why? Something on your mind?"

"It's sort of a thing for class," she says, smiling nervously.

"So let me get this straight. I tell you my personal story and you relate it to a class of what, a hundred students? Two hundred? That how this works?"

"No, no! Nothing like that!" she frantically assures me. "I have to get someone to open up to me about something personal, and then I have to write a paper about what I did."

"I don't know," I say reluctantly. "I mean, of course I'd tell you about it if it was only you, but…"

"Don't worry, it's okay," she says with a smile as she grabs something from her desk drawer and fiddles with it. "Would you rather talk to… Hachikō?" She sticks her arm out at me, now covered in a dog sock-puppet. Is it…frowning at me?

I swear I'm starting to think Juri takes so many psychology classes so she can diagnose herself. "Uh, no thanks, I'm good."

"Arf! Come on, Kenta, you can tell me anything!" she says through her sock puppet.

"Alright, alright! I'll tell you. Just… put the dog away."

Juri grins as she takes the sock puppet off. "Works every time."

"So what do you want to know?" I ask, settling back onto Juri's bed.

"Well, who was the first person you told?" she asks, leaning forward.

I think I know what she means by that, but I get the feeling she's missing a few pieces of the puzzle. A lot like my parents, actually; they're supportive, but I can tell that they don't really understand and I've never found the magic words that can make them get it. "I guess the obvious answer would be that the first person I told was me."

Juri looks at me cockeyed. "Huh?"

"Well it would be kind of awkward for me to start telling everyone else I was gay before I even knew it myself, don't you think?"

Juri giggles. "Yeah, I guess it would. I thought it was something you always knew I guess."

I sigh. "Don't I wish. Actually it was way harder to come out to myself than anyone else."

"Really? Even harder than telling your parents?" She seems pretty interested; good, that should make this story more fun to tell.

"Yeah, not even close. I mean, it wasn't easy telling them or even you guys, but… Well, it's a lot more personal. Realizing it yourself… it changes your whole life."

"I guess I never thought of it like that," Juri admits. "So when did you actually know?"

"It was almost three and a half years ago now, I guess." Specifically it was one afternoon of December 2006. Not the kind of thing you forget.

"So you looked in the mirror one day and said 'I'm gay' or what?"

I can't help cracking up at that one. "No, not quite," I say between giggles. "It had been on my mind for a while and I couldn't really ignore it anymore."

"I don't mean to pry, but I'm curious. What made you think you might be gay?"

Aside from the fact that I really, really liked guys and didn't think about girls much? "Someone thought I was. I denied it for a while, but I couldn't stop wondering about what he said." Kai's letter… It freaked me out at first, but I couldn't throw it out. For months I kept going back to it. "The more I thought about it the more comfortable it got. Then one day I finally admitted to myself that I could be gay." That was a weird day. I felt strangely calm for the first time in a long while. "I didn't think about it much more right then because it was still scary, but it was always in the back of my mind. Getting over that first hurdle was huge though. Admitting the possibility lifted this huge weight off my shoulders. It wasn't until about two weeks later that I finally admitted that I was actually gay." It made a lot of sense. All the pieces finally fit together. I remember spending that afternoon crying in my room. Some of it was because I was scared; some of it was because I was happy. That day was even weirder.

"Wait a minute, three and a half years ago?" Looks like the gears are turning in Juri's head. "Has it really been that long since you came out to us?"

"Nope," I tell her with a smile. "I didn't come out to anyone else until October of 2007, almost a year later."

She looks a little disappointed. "What took you so long to tell us?"

I shrug. "Just because I was comfortable with myself didn't mean I was ready to abandon my closet just yet. I had enough trouble handling it myself and I didn't know how anyone else would react."

Juri nods along with my story. "I can understand. It must have been hard keeping a secret though."

"Yeah, but I always figured it would be even harder coming out to people." I was a wreck for a while. I think I might have been even more careful about hiding my orientation back then than I was before I realized it. "Besides, it was comfortable in the closet. Shag carpeting, bean bag, television, and I could like guys without anybody knowing."

"So what changed?" Juri asks. "I mean, one day everything seemed normal and the next there you were telling Takato and I that you were gay."

I shrug. "It's kind of a long story."

"Well you did say you couldn't go back to your room for a few hours," Juri points out slyly.

"Alright, I guess I've got nothing better to do. Strap in." I can't believe I'm about to tell Juri about this. I don't even like talking to Hirokazu about this and he was there for most of it. It's not a day I really like thinking about. "High school wasn't really a great time for me. Do you remember that Taizou guy?"

Juri sneers. "Don't remind me."

Yeah, she remembers him like I do. "Well I guess he got it in his head at some point that I was a ton of fun to pick on."

"That's not too surprising," she says. "He was always a pain to the girls. I never thought he'd pick on any of the boys though; I mean he wasn't exactly a jock. No offense or anything, but I think even you could have taken him in a fight."

I know I shouldn't but I can't help smiling at that. "I did."

And now Juri's even more interested; she leans really far forward, eyes wide. "Really? You did?"

Sort of. At least that's how I try to remember it. I nod. "Uh-huh. I was walking home through the park after school one day. I guess he hadn't had his fill of making fun of me or something."

"_What's the rush, Kitagawa?" Shit, that's all I need. I'm too exhausted to put up with this now. I just want to get home. Maybe just this once if I ignore him he'll go away. "Hey! I'm talking to you!"_

_Of course not. "Get lost, Taizou."_

"_Let me guess, off to meet your boyfriend, queer?"_

"_Don't you have anything better to do?"_

"_Nothing as much fun as making you cry like a little bitch."_

"_Cute. You kiss your mother with that mouth?"_

"_Nah, your mother. She needs to know what it's like to have a real man around; you know what I'm saying?"_

"_Whatever." I've never been exactly quick with comebacks. It doesn't help that I'm tired. I'm tired of everything, especially Taizou._

"_Hey, if you're lucky I might even let you watch. You like that? Seeing a big, strong man? Yeah, you like that, queer."_

_I tighten my grip on my backpack strap. He's trying to rile me up. It's working. "Go to hell."_

"I really didn't want to put up with him," I tell Juri. "I mean it wasn't just a long day. I was tired of his shit. I was tired of hiding who I was. I was tired of every day being a struggle. That he guessed my secret when I wanted to keep it quiet was a real kick to the little Kentas."

Juri shakes her head sympathetically. "I can only imagine. So what happened next?"

I shrug. "He gave me a little shove."

_I manage to catch myself and turn around to look at him. I'm hunched forward, ready for whatever happens next. I hate this. Why does he always get under my skin? It's so easy to get mad, but when I see his face, like now, I can't help feeling scared, too. I wish I was braver or stronger or anything, but I'm not. He's not even very big. He's no taller than me and he doesn't look like he works out or anything. This should be a fair fight. It isn't though. I'm still scared._

_Why? Why am I scared? This guy's no bigger than I am. He's wearing the same school uniform as I am, with the same blue blazer and the same white collared shirt. But that face of his… I hate that damn, ugly face with that damn smug sneer. He's so damn sure of himself. That's what scares me. That's something I don't have._

"Were you okay?" Juri asks.

"Yeah, it wasn't too bad or anything. I kept my cool, at least for the moment."

"_You got something to say?" He looks at me with those eyes of his, those stupid, arrogant eyes._

_I take a deep breath, and slowly let it out. I can't let him get to me. I stand upright again and shift my backpack on my shoulder. "I've got nothing to say to you."_

"_That's what I thought, faggot."_

Juri looks at me. "For the moment?"

I chuckle. "Yeah, right up until he had some very unkind words for me."

"Did you say anything back?"

"In a sense…"

_I hear a scream. Is that Hirokazu? It has to be. No one else screams like that, all anger. It wouldn't be the first time Hirokazu's watched my back over something like this. I don't see him though. No… It's not Hirokazu. That's just wishful thinking. It's me. I've just tackled Taizou to the ground. That scream is coming from me, and I can't stop myself._

"Have you ever seen two high school students fight?" I ask Juri.

She shakes her head. "Not first-hand. I've heard about a lot though."

I laugh. "Let me tell you, it's not exactly an impressive spectacle. It's less about fighting and more about awkwardly wrestling on the ground until one guy winds up on top. No one even gets hurt most of the time. Under different circumstances it might almost be romantic."

_Now we're both yelling, growling, rolling in the grass. Our uniforms are taking the worst of the punishment, getting ripped and dirty. He pulls my hair, I bite him, he shoves my face in the dirt, I bend his arm behind his back. It's mayhem, but I feel like it's happening a thousand miles away. Neither of us says a word, we just yell. There's nothing to say._

Juri snickers at my comment. "Wouldn't it be funny if, after all that, he was only lashing out because he was so deep in the closet?"

I slap my forehead with the palm of my hand. "Ugh. Let's hope not. We have it bad enough without that guy being on our team."

"Well we don't want him either."

I shrug. "If there's any justice in this world he'll be a benchwarmer for life."

"So who wound up on top?"

_Taizou finally has me pinned on my back. Both of us are breathing really hard. It feels like my heart's going to explode. I push back against him with my whole body, but like I said, I'm tired. At least that smile of his is gone. His eyes are wide, panicked, like an animal's. The adrenaline is surging in my veins, but no matter how hard I push he resists. He can't pin all of me though, and in my thrashing I know what to do. I close my eyes and let fly._

"Me," I say with a little smile.

_Damn does that hurt! I knew it would be bad, but shit! I'm rolling on the ground holding my forehead. The whole world is spinning and my ears are ringing. I didn't know I had it in me, but I head butted Taizou right in the nose. He's not on top of me anymore. My teeth are clenched and I'm dizzy, but I manage to get my left eye open. Taizou's on the ground next to me holding his nose. Shit this hurts! I saw Hirokazu do this once, but I never thought it would feel like this! Everything's fuzzy… no, wait. That's my glasses. There's something wrong with them. They're… bent. I have to get up. I have to keep fighting. I think my heart's going to burst out through my ribs._

_I stand, looking down on the boy that has so often looked down on me. My hands are slick with sweat, but I squeeze them into fists so tight that they hurt. He's bleeding; not badly, but enough that it surprises me. He's not looking at that though. He's looking at me. Even with his hands still covering his nose and mouth, I can see the fury in his eyes, right behind the tears. I… I hate those damn eyes. I hate his damn face. I HATE you, Taizou, and you are damn well going to know it when I am done with you._

"So what did you do when you won?" Juri asks.

Yeah, right. I "won". That's not how it felt then. I sure as hell don't feel that way now. "We were both really lucky."

_I feel a hand on my shoulder, holding me back. I turn and look; it's Hirokazu. He's here. He looks so serious, and a little sad. He doesn't do or say anything more than holding me back. Just looking at him though, I feel my fists loosening up. My breathing gets easier. My heart rate is easing up. There's no need to be angry anymore. It's going to be okay. Hirokazu's here._

_He gives me a reassuring smile when he sees me starting to calm down, and then turns to Taizou with a scowl. "Get the hell out of here, Taizou. You've gotten your ass kicked enough for today," he says._

"_Sick… stupid… freaks…" Taizou grumbles, still holding his nose in both hands as he clumsily gets back on his feet. "You are in so much trouble now, queer." I don't say a word as he limps off._

"Hirokazu showed up," I explain. "He's got great timing like that."

"I'm glad he was there for you," Juri says with a smile.

"He always has been, no matter what. He made sure to stick close to me for a while after that, too. He even tried to do better in school just so he wouldn't have to stay late and miss our walk home."

"I had no idea what you put up with back then," Juri says, sounding a little sad. "Why didn't you ever talk about it?"

"It's not something I like talking about. The truth is Taizou didn't give me much of a problem after that." I guess he didn't want it getting around that he'd gotten his ass kicked by 'a queer'. Of course he couldn't really escape it when we were both sporting our battle scars, such as they were, and within a few days the whole school knew I was gay. Even the rumor mill can't screw up the math on that one. Well, except for the few people who thought Taizou and I liked things rough. Trust me, I hated those rumors every bit as much as Taizou did but for entirely different reasons.

"Was that the same day you came out to us?" Juri asks. "You looked like you'd been in a fight."

"Yeah." My glasses were bent, the right lens fell out, and my uniform was all torn up and muddy. "I must've been quite the sight." I laugh.

"Yeah, I guess you were. Of course after the first thing you said to us I kind of stopped paying attention to how you were dressed. What happened next?"

"Well, after Taizou left I went to the closest water fountain to wash up while Hirokazu tried to collect my backpack and the stuff that fell out of it." Of course I don't tell Juri that I was crying at the time; some details don't need to be shared.

"_Breathe, Kenta," Hirokazu says as he stuffs another book into my backpack._

_Breathing is the one thing I can really do well at this moment. My head is swimming, but I'm breathing hard and fast. I splash water in my face and press my palms against my forehead._

"_Don't let Taizou get to you, Kenta. He's just being stupid."_

_I don't want to say anything. Taizou is stupid, sure, but he's right about me. Hirokazu doesn't get what it's like._

"_Seriously, I don't know what that guy's problem is," Hirokazu says, trying to sound casual. "I bet he steers clear of you from now on though! Dude, you were wailing on him!"_

"_Uh-huh."_

"_I mean, he should be glad I came along when I did."_

"_Can we not talk about this anymore?" I know I should talk about it. Even Hirokazu knows that much, but I really don't want to think about it. I don't want to explain what the fight was about. I don't want to explain what happened to me to my parents. I don't want to deal with school again tomorrow. I want Hirokazu to understand, but how can he?_

"_Okay, no problem. I'm just saying Taizou doesn't know what he's talking about."_

"Hirokazu was trying to make me feel better, like usual. I was still kind of out of it though; the adrenaline crash hadn't hit me yet."

"_Are you sure you're alright, dude?"_

_Of course not. How could I be alright? Why can't he let it go? My teeth are clenched as I quietly say, "…Yeah."_

_Hirokazu shrugs at me. "You can tell me if you're not okay, you know."_

_How dense could he possibly be? "Enough!"_

"_Dude, I just want to know what's wrong." He sounds so sad, but somehow that only gets on my nerves even more. How is he not getting this?_

"_I'm gay you idiot!"_

"So I sort of blurted it out without thinking. Not much to it."

"Really? It was as simple as that?" Juri asks. "What made you do it?"

"I still don't know," I say while scratching my head. "I guess I wasn't feeling any fear right then. For a little while I didn't care what Hirokazu would think."

"You not caring what Hirokazu thinks? Scandalous!"

I laugh. "Hey, anything's possible." Before I said it I really wasn't feeling any fear, that much is true. After saying it though, that's a different story.

_Hirokazu looks at me for a second and blinks. As soon as I said those words I felt numb. For the second time today it's like I'm a million miles from my body. What the hell have I done? Mere seconds ago I didn't give a damn what anyone thought, but then I actually said it and now I'm so terrified I just want to run. It's like all the fear I have in me was lying in wait for the right moment to strike. There's no turning back now. If he has a problem with it I don't know what I'll do. What can I do? I'm going to be sick. Or pee myself. Or I'm just going to die right here, right now and end this nightmare!_

_He blinks again. "Okay," he says with a casual shrug._

"_O-okay?" That's it? That's all he has to say after that? "What do you mean 'okay?'"_

"_I mean it's okay," Hirokazu says. "I kind of figured."_

_My jaw drops. "You… you KNEW?"_

"_Well I didn't really 'know' but…" He scratches the back of his head, trying to avoid eye contact. "I sort of put it together after that whole thing in Okinawa. I mean you could hardly take your eyes off Takato's cousin the whole trip."_

_I let out a groan. Damn you to the sexiest part of hell, Kai Urazoe._

"I'm pretty sure I was a lot more surprised than Hirokazu was. I mean, he didn't think anything of it. I always thought that, for good or for bad, he'd at least have some kind of reaction."

"Well he probably didn't want you to freak out or anything," Juri suggests.

"No, no, that wasn't it. It turned out he knew all along. Even before I did."

Juri raises one eyebrow. "Okay, that is pretty surprising."

After coming out to Hirokazu, I learned to never be surprised by anything he might do.

"_Kenta, I promise I don't have a problem with this! Now would you please stop crying?"_

"_I'm not crying!" I shout as tears stream down my face. "I'm mad! How could you not tell me you knew?"_

"_Well you didn't tell me either!"_

"_That's different!"_

"_How?"_

"_I don't know!"_

_Hirokazu looks, to say the least, confused. I've seen him get pretty much the same reaction from girls on a few occasions. The last thing I want is to wind up in the same category as a bunch of girls that Hirokazu made cry, but right now I just can't help it._

"I was pretty upset at first," I tell Juri. "I mean, it wasn't easy, and I hadn't really prepared for it. I sure didn't wake up that morning thinking I'd be coming out to anyone."

"How'd Hirokazu handle it?"

I groan. "You know Hirokazu…"

"_Get off me!" I shout as Hirokazu sits on top of me, pinning me to the ground._

"_I'll let you up as soon as you calm down."_

_I kick my feet and try to push him off, but Hirokazu can be an immovable object when he wants to be, and I've never what you'd call an unstoppable force._

"He and I talked for a while. Hirokazu's got a way of making me feel better when I'm upset. I don't know what it is, but it's like it's impossible to be sad around him. You know what I mean? He has this… energy."

Juri smiles. "Yeah, even when he's complaining it's hard not to have a good time with him."

"He really did make me feel better." Eventually. Hirokazu was more than supportive, but that doesn't mean he understood what I was going through. I had to explain some of the details.

"_Of course it's a big deal!" I tell him. "It's a HUGE deal! How do you not get that?"_

"_I don't know. It doesn't really bother me," Hirokazu says with a shrug. "You're still Kenta. Besides, it's not like you have to think about it all the time, right?"_

"_Hirokazu, how often do you think about girls?"_

_He grins like an idiot. "Oh, you know, not too often."_

"_You're thinking about girls right now, aren't you?"_

"_Well you brought them up! What am I supposed to do?"_

"_Look, the point is, you think about girls a lot, right?"_

_He smiles. "Yeah, all the time."_

"_Well I do the same thing, but with guys," I explain. "And when I think about guys, you know what that makes me think of? Being gay! So yeah, it's on my mind a lot."_

_Hirokazu shrugs. "I guess I didn't think about that."_

"What all did you two talk about?" Juri asks.

"Oh, the sort of thing you'd expect. When I figured it out, what I was going through, if anyone else knew, all the kind of things that would usually make Hirokazu really uncomfortable."

"Did you talk about boys you liked?" Juri is grinning again.

"Of course not!"

"_Ryou is really, really hot," I say._

"_Yeah, no kidding. Even I can admit that," said Hirokazu. "What else you got?"_

"_Well, there's Kai of course. But I think you already had that one figured out."_

_He laughs. "You should've seen your face when I pulled that prank on him!" That reminds me, I still owe Hirokazu for that._

"_Are you sure you want to talk about this?" I ask. "I thought this would be weird for you."_

"_I can deal with weird. Now lay it on me."_

"_Okay, I guess Jen is pretty cute too."_

"_Jen's your type, huh?" he asks in a tone I don't quite like._

"Hirokazu must be the best friend anyone could ever ask for," Juri says admiringly.

I nod. "Yeah, just about."

"_Give that back!" I yell as Hirokazu runs on ahead of me, my phone clutched in his hand._

"_Trust me! You'll feel better!" He's panting as he looks through my contacts list._

_I make a desperate grab for him. "Don't!"_

_Hirokazu laughs and slides out of my grasp. "What's the worst that could happen?"_

"_I will murder you!" I grab and miss again._

"_Aha! There it is!" He presses the call button then tosses my phone back at me. It's already ringing._

_I hear the other end pick up right as I catch it. "Hello?" Jen asks._

_I freeze; Hirokazu motions for me to say something with a big smile on his face. I love the guy, but he has no respect for boundaries sometimes._

"_Kenta, are you there?" Jen asks. "You didn't butt-dial me, did you?"_

_I have to answer. "I'm here," I say, my voice cracking. "How are you?"_

"_Fine. I just got home. What's up?"_

"_Oh, nothing. The usual. Out and about. How about that crisp fall weather?" I sound like a nervous wreck, and judging from Hirokazu's barely-contained laughter it's obvious to anyone who can hear me._

"_Are you doing okay, Kenta?" Jen asks. "You sound a little weird."_

"_Weird? I'm not weird! I'm totally, one-hundred percent normal! You're the weird one with your, uh, computers and stuff! Yeah! How's that feel?"_

_Hirokazu covers his face with his palm. "…Kenta, what did Hirokazu manage to sneak out of his parents' liquor cabinet this time?" Jen asks after a few seconds._

"_Uh, yeah, that's it! I'm drunk." I figure that's probably the most graceful way out of the situation._

_Hirokazu groans. "Give it here, wuss. I'll do it." He grabs my phone and holds me at arm's length while he talks to Jen. "Jenrya, Kenta has something very, very important and earth-shattering to tell you and he would love it if you'd be totally cool with it."_

"_Hirokazu?" I hear Jen ask over the phone._

"_Trust me, just listen," Hirokazu says before handing the phone back to me and standing aside._

_My whole face must be bright red by this point. I almost wish Hirokazu had done the hard part for me. I swallow and hold the phone up to my ear again. "Jen?"_

"_Kenta, what is going on?" he asks._

_I clear my throat. "Jen, I'm…" I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't expect to still be so afraid after telling Hirokazu the way I did. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and let the words out. "Jen, I'm gay."_

"Hirokazu did get me to tell Jen, after all," I tell Juri with a slight smile. "Even if I didn't think so at the time, that was really good for me."

"Were you still afraid?"

I nod. "Petrified. I still get that way sometimes."

"Really?" she asks. "Still?"

I let out a sigh. "It's easier now, but there are certain fears that never go away no matter what. The first time I tell someone new about it, I always worry about how they'll react."

"Well Jen seemed to take it well."

I laugh. "A little too well, you could say."

"_That's great, Kenta!" Jen says cheerfully. "I'm really happy for you."_

"_You're… happy for me, Jen?" I can't believe what I'm hearing._

"_Of course. Why shouldn't I be?"_

"_I don't know. It's not exactly normal. I thought you'd at least be surprised." If anything he's taking this even better than Hirokazu did._

"_Hey, I'm happy you're finally comfortable coming out."_

_Finally? "You knew, didn't you?"_

"He knew," I tell Juri in a deadpan tone.

"He knew too?" she asks.

"Story of my life."

"Since when?"

"Okinawa."

"_Okinawa?" I shout. Come on, that isn't fair. First Kai, then Hirokazu, and now Jen too? Was there anyone on that trip that didn't have me pegged as gay the whole time? Is it so much to ask to get at least some kind of reaction from someone? Anyone?_

_Jen laughs. "Moumantai, Kenta. I don't have a problem with it."_

_I groan. "Thanks, Jen. I appreciate it."_

"_Do you need someone to talk to?" he asks. Jen is always like that, a good shoulder to cry on._

"_Thanks, Jen. I'm okay for now. Hirokazu's here and we talked a lot." Hirokazu suddenly looks particularly puffed-up._

Juri seems puzzled. "What exactly happened in Okinawa?"

I shake my head. "You only get one embarrassing story tonight."

"Okay, but you owe me that story. So what did you do then? Decide to go around telling everyone?"

I shake my head. "Not really. I thought I'd be good only telling Hirokazu and Jen. I mean sure, I didn't get the surprise I was expecting and sort of hoping for, but they were so good about the whole thing. I didn't want to mess that up."

"So what happened to change your mind?" Juri asks.

"Well you should know that part. You were there."

_We're heading through the park on the way back to my house. I really do feel a little better, though I'm still miffed that both Hirokazu and Jen knew the whole time. I'm not really paying attention when Hirokazu suddenly speaks up. "Hey look, it's Juri and Takato," he says, pointing to a bench. Sure enough, there they are. Holding hands, of course. They're talking about something and haven't seen us yet. "You want to say hello to them? Maybe say something else?"_

"_Why bother?" I ask. "Takato was at Okinawa too."_

"_Oh don't mope, Kenta! Besides, even if he does know I bet Juri doesn't."_

_I sigh. "Maybe I should forget it. Cut my losses and be glad you two were so nice about it."_

"_Well it's your call I guess. Seems like a shame to waste the momentum."_

"_Hirokazu, look at me. I'm exhausted, I'm filthy, my whole body aches, and I just came out to two of my best friends. I want to go home, take a hot bath, and pray for a meteor to destroy the Earth."_

"_Come on, Kenta. Cheer up! Don't you at least feel better about not having to hide around Jen and I anymore?"_

"_No sense talking about it now," I point out. We've already passed down another path and out of sight of Takato and Juri._

"_Alright, so maybe you can tell them later," Hirokazu says. "Right now though you still look pretty blue. How about some ice cream? That always makes you feel better!"_

_I shake my head. "Not hungry."_

"_Come on, it's my treat!"_

_I stop in my tracks. Hirokazu paying for ice cream? I must look even more pathetic than I thought. "N-no, really. I'll be okay."_

"_Dude, you'll see. I'll get you a couple scoops of strawberry ice cream, and then using nothing more than a spoon and a few toppings, I can turn it into a little edible MarineAngemon. You'll HAVE to feel better then!"_

_That may be the sweetest gesture I have ever heard in my life. "Since when did you turn into Martha Stewart?" I ask with a grin._

"_Years of experience playing with my food."_

_I laugh, something only Hirokazu could even hope to make me do after today. "You're a man of many talents."_

_Hirokazu flexes his arms. "You sure you don't mean to say that I'm… FABULOUS?"_

_The camp way he pronounces that last word gets me laughing even harder. I don't normally laugh at jokes like that, but Hirokazu is a special case. "Are you sure I'm the only gay one here?"_

"_What?" two voices ask from right behind me. Shit! I go from laughing to terrified in a nanosecond. I spin around and there are Juri and Takato, maybe five feet away._

"Sorry about sneaking up on you like that, by the way," Juri apologizes. "We really didn't mean to, I promise! We saw you two and thought we'd say hi, but before we did…"

"Don't worry about it," I tell her. "You were bound to find out sooner or later anyway. At least the way it worked out I didn't have to torture myself into actually saying it on purpose."

_Juri and Takato stare at me, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. I'm not doing any better. None of us say a word, though I swear I can hear Hirokazu barely suppressing a giggle._

_Juri coughs. "Um…"_

"_Uh…" I start to say._

"_So…" Takato says, avoiding eye contact._

_So much for telling them later. I want to pretend they didn't hear anything, but given how close they were and their reactions they definitely heard it. I could make something up and say they misunderstood, but… well, I'm just so sick of hiding this. "Yeah," I finally say._

_Juri and Takato both look at me again like they don't understand._

_I clear my throat. "It's true. I'm gay."_

_Takato goes back to his stunned silence, but Juri looks at me strangely, for the first timing seeming to notice my beat-up appearance. "And that… made you… explode?" she asks._

_That is too much for Hirokazu, who bursts into a fit of laughter. I quickly join him. What can I say? Hirokazu's laughter is infectious. Juri and Takato sort of stand there, trying to process what they're seeing until Hirokazu and I are both wiping the tears of laughter from our eyes._

"In all fairness, you were a real mess," Juri points out.

"No argument here," I tell her.

"And for the record, you never did get around to answering my question that day."

I shrug. "Well after you started with all the others, the whole 'what happened to you?' thing kind of got lost in the pile."

"_So are you seeing anyone?" Juri asks with a huge smile on her face. "Is he cute? I bet he's older than you. Is he tall? Is his hair long or short? Can I meet him? Ooh! Can we go on a double-date? Won't that be great Takato? We finally have a couple to double-date with!"_

"_Whoa, whoa, easy there Juri, calm down," I say. "I hate to break it to you but I'm not seeing anyone."_

_She looks past me and eyes Hirokazu suspiciously. "What?" he demands._

_Juri ignores his response and looks back at me. "You know, just between you and me there are a few really cute boys at school that might be your type."_

"_Juri, I don't think I'm really ready for any of that."_

_She shakes her head but keeps on smiling. "I'm not saying you have to ask them out right this second, but maybe it would be helpful for future reference, don't you think?" How can I resist that hopeful smile? Especially when she's promising cute boys._

Juri blushes. "I'm sorry about all that. I was really excited for you though. And I guess I thought it would be fun to have a gay friend, too."

I wave a hand at her. "Don't worry about it. It's too bad those cute boys of yours didn't want to be caught hanging out with the one openly gay kid in school though."

_Juri's hitting me up for all kinds of information, especially any juicy gossip I might have. I notice Hirokazu talking to Takato though._

"_You okay dude?" Hirokazu asks, putting a hand on Takato's shoulder._

"_Y-yeah," Takato says, clearly still a little stunned. "It's just… It's shocking. I never thought for even a second that… that Kenta was…"_

_Thank you Takato. At least one person on that trip was kind enough to be surprised._

"_This doesn't bug you, does it?" Hirokazu asks._

"_Huh? Oh. No, not really." Takato shakes his head gently. "I'm surprised is all."_

"_Well come on, go congratulate him! Good for him, right?" Hirokazu, I still can't believe you're so supportive._

"_You don't have to say anything, Takato," I assure him. "See that, Hirokazu? That's how normal people react to something like this! They get surprised!"_

_Takato smiles weakly, still not looking right at me. He's still shy like that sometimes. "Good for you, Kenta."_

"…It's also too bad that Takato reacted like he did," I say. I know it's been over two years and I should be over this by now, but just thinking of Takato is hard sometimes.

"I'm sorry about that," Juri says quietly. "I should have done something."

"It's not your fault," I tell her. "I always knew some people wouldn't like it."

"You know Takato would never want to hurt you," she says. "He didn't know what to do."

"Forget about it. It's not important now, is it?" I've moved on. College is great, I have a ton of new friends, I do some dating now and then… I should feel fantastic! Takato's still a sore spot though. Whenever I see an old picture of all of us together I get the same feeling I used to get looking at Taizou. Takato made my life miserable for a long while, not because of the things he said, but because of all the things he didn't say.

"Still, I'm really sorry about how he acted," Juri apologizes.

"And I'm sorry you two broke up over it." I know that must have been hard on her. Those two were together for so long. I've never really asked her about the breakup before, probably for the same reason she never asked me about all of this before. Those aren't times either of us wants to talk about.

Juri shakes her head. "Don't blame yourself, Kenta. We didn't break up over you. I kept telling him he shouldn't be avoiding you like he did, but the truth is we had problems long before then."

"Still, I'm sorry."

Juri nods. The mood has turned pretty quickly and we both know it. It's a good thing Juri's here to fix it with her usual skill. "So, you tell anyone else that day?"

"Oh, yeah, I did!" I say, perking up a bit.

"Who?"

"Ruki. I called her right after I got home. My parents were out and Hirokazu insisted on staying to listen in."

Juri leans forward, clearly enthralled once more. "How'd it go?"

"Well I figured I'd only get one opportunity to do this, so I thought I should do it right. After all, how many chances are there in life to catch Ruki off her guard?"

"They're pretty hard to come by," Juri has to admit. "What did you do?"

"I called her house. The phone picked up after a few rings."

"_Hello—"_

"_I'm gay!" I shout._

"_Good for you, dear." Wait, that's not Ruki._

_That's… her grandmother!_

"_Oh, uh, sorry about that Mrs. Hata. Is Ruki home?"_

_She chuckles. "I'll go get her."_

_Well, that was embarrassing. Hirokazu's trying very, very hard not to laugh._

_After a few seconds Ruki finally gets on the line. "What is—?"_

"_I'M GAY!" I shout into the phone. Hirokazu loses control and falls back into my chair to laugh hysterically._

_The silence from the other end of the phone brings a smile to my face. I needed this. I've finally gotten her. I relish every second it takes her to respond. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. "Told you so," she finally says._

_I smile even wider. "I got you and you know it!"_

_She laughs dismissively. "Hey Kenta, don't tell anyone, but I hear the Pope's secretly Catholic."_

_I turn to look at Hirokazu. "Hey Hirokazu! I totally got her!"_

"_Oh good, your boyfriend's there too," Ruki says with a little chuckle. "I guess congratulations are in order for the both of you."_

_I roll my eyes. "You can't get me down that easy, Ruki. Not after I managed to surprise you like that."_

"_You want to surprise me?" she asks. "Get Shiota a girlfriend. And it doesn't count if you show up in drag."_

I smile as I remember how that day ended. "I was surprised how much easier it was getting to tell people by the time it came to Ruki."

"What about your parents?" Juri asks. "Did you tell them?"

"Not for almost another week," I explain. "That one I needed time to prepare for. I put it off as long as I could, but… well, there were a few close calls that week. And I know it was all over the school in no time."

"How'd it get out so fast?" Juri asks.

"I'm not sure," I say thoughtfully, "though I do wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that I was screaming about being gay all over the park that half the school walked through on the way home."

Juri giggles. "I guess you've got a point there."

"Anyway, telling my parents was an ordeal."

"Well they didn't throw you out or anything. That's always a plus." She smiles.

I sigh. "Yeah, I know. They try to be supportive, but they still don't seem to understand about a lot of it. It's better than it was at first though. It was awkward for a while."

"Are you glad you told them?"

I nod. "Every day."

"Thanks for telling me all this," Juri says. "I feel better knowing."

"Weren't you going to take any notes?" I ask.

"Notes?"

"For your writing project."

She pales slightly. "Oh! That! Uh, no, don't worry. I've got it all in my head."

I can't help but laugh. "Juri, you're a weird one sometimes. I wouldn't have you any other way though."

"And I would never change a thing about you either Kenta." She gives me a big smile. "Except, of course, getting you a cute boy to go out with."

"Well then, tell me about these latest guys you've found for me." Now it's time for Juri to spill the beans.


	5. Rude Awakening

The Fabulous Kenta Kitagawa

Chapter 5: Rude Awakening

September, 2010

Kenta's Dorm Room, Nihon University

What was that sound? My eyes are all blurry and the room is pitch black. Hirokazu? No, his bed's empty. He must still be out. What time is it? Did I dream that? No, there it is again. It's soft, but it's like a… tapping. Where's it coming from? It's got to be the door. Hirokazu must have lost his keys again. I fumble for my glasses in the dark.

I manage to get my glasses on and check the alarm clock. It's a little after one. Hirokazu's back from the party earlier than I was expecting. What would he do without me? He'd get locked out and spend the night sleeping in the hall, most likely. This must be the fifth or sixth time this has happened. Of course he always has a good story to tell the next day, like the time he lost his keys in the back seat of a police car. Don't ask.

There's another knock at the door as I set my feet on the cold, linoleum floor. Keep your shirt on, Hirokazu… assuming you still have it with you. It's a crapshoot with him, though of course I will forever love him for the one time he came back to the room after going out streaking and couldn't find his clothes afterwards. His whole body was bright red, partly from the cold but mostly from what must have been an interesting walk back to the room.

I plod over to the door, bare feet slapping on floor. I scratch my stomach through my Nihon t-shirt with one hand and rub my eyes with the other. I hope Hirokazu doesn't want to keep me up the rest of the night telling me about the party or something. If he's back this early though he probably won't be bragging about some girl, so that's a good sign. I get to the door and open it.

"H-hi… Kenta."

That is not Hirokazu.

"T-Takato?" Am I dreaming or something?

He swallows. "Long time no see." He's not looking at me, but I can still see his eyes are red and puffy. His whole face is flushed, in fact, and his hands are awkwardly stuffed in his pockets. He's shuffling his feet nervously and it's making him wobble like he's… like he's… I remember the last time I saw this side of him. Takato's drunk.

"What do you want?" I ask coldly.

He cringes when I ask that. "S-sorry, but I… Hirokazu said I should say somethin'. I, uh… Sorry to, um, wake you 'n stuff but…"

Takato's a real ass sometimes. This is even worse than a drunken phone call in the middle of the night. "Get lost," I say as I start to close the door.

His bottom lip starts to quiver and he chokes back a sob. Crap, I forgot how easy it is to get him to cry when he's like this. "I'm… I'm s-such a j-jerk!" he sputters.

Great. Just great. I am in no mood to play counselor to the guy who's hardly said two words to me since I came out. It would be so easy to close the door on him and forget about it. At least for someone else it would. This is one of those times I wish I wasn't such a nice guy. "Takato, don't—"

He sobs louder. "I am! I'm a stupid jerk 'n I'm really sorry, Kenta!" He wipes his eyes on the sleeve of his black hoodie. "Hirokazu's right. I s-suck."

"What about Hirokazu?" I ask.

Takato hiccups, still avoiding eye contact at all costs. "He was at the party. He was real mad 'n said I should say I'm sorry."

I groan. "Look, don't even bother, okay? Just… I don't know; go sleep it off or something."

Takato sniffles pathetically. He's hunched over enough that his hair is hiding his eyes from me. "C-can we talk? I'm really, really sorry."

I'm not thrilled with the idea of having Takato in my room. Then again, I'm not sure how it'll look if anyone sees us here, him in tears and me—shit! I grab hold of my t-shirt and try to tug it as low as I can. I should really think about switching to boxers. I do _not _need any more comments right now, least of all from Takato. I can't simply lock Takato out either; at best he'd wander off crying and at worst he'd be banging on my door all night calling my name. Yeah, that would look _really _good. Plus, and I know this is going to make me sound even more pathetic, part of me still doesn't want Takato to hate me. "Fine. Get in here."

He bows low, so low that he barely manages to keep himself from falling forward. He's definitely had a few. With all the sobbing I can scarcely make it out when he says, "Thank you."

I hold the door open behind me long enough for him to catch it, then quickly head over to my dresser and start looking for a pair of pants. This conversation is going to be awkward enough without me strutting around half-naked. I hear the door shut as I pull open the top drawer. Takato slips his shoes off by the door while I pull out a pair of pajama pants.

"So what do you want?" I ask, looking his way while I get dressed.

He's standing up against the far wall next to the door with his hands still in his pockets and his eyes cast down. He doesn't say anything right away; that sure feels familiar. After a few seconds he takes a deep breath and again mutters, "I'm s-sorry."

"Thanks," I say. That would have been nice to hear two and a half years ago.

He chokes out, "I never should've… I'm so stupid."

"Why now?" I ask him. He's still not looking at me, but I can sure as hell look at him.

"C-can you ever f-forgive me?" He's shaking pretty badly. He sucks in a short breath and I can see a tear drip off his trembling chin. It's been a long time since I've seen _anyone _cry like this, but I can tell Takato's trying to hold it together as best as he can. If I say the wrong thing he'll probably really break down. That's the last thing I need now, even if it would feel right given how much I cried when I realized Takato didn't want to see me ever again. What is he doing here? What's got him like this? I have no idea what to tell him.

I don't say anything.

Takato chokes back another sob, then bows low again and stays that way. "P-please, Kenta! I gotta… y'just gotta let me try! I'll d-do anything. I swear…"

I was convinced I'd never talk to Takato again. I knew he went to the same school as Hirokazu and I. I'd seen him on campus once or twice, but I thought there was no changing things. I'd never get the chance to answer the one question that has been bugging me for almost three years. Now's my chance. "Why?"

He still doesn't look at me, staying in that low bow. "I…" He hesitates, like he doesn't understand.

"Why did you do it?" I ask.

He chokes back a sob and tries to steady himself on the wall. A few seconds pass before he finally manages to get out a pitiful-sounding, "I was scared."

I clench my fists. "Scared? You were _scared_?"

He flinches on hearing my tone and quickly tries to explain, slurring slightly as he goes. "I know it's stupid." He swallows and shuffles his feet. "I know. But I was. I'm so, so sorry." His voice cracks on repeating "so."

I can barely hold myself back. "Takato, we were friends since we were kids," I remind him. "We traveled to the digital world together. We fought the D-Reaper together. But _this _is the thing that scared you so much you could never talk to me again?" I'm pissed off and he is going to hear it. I don't care how much he cries.

He doesn't say anything. He's quiet, shaking. I don't want to hurt him. I never wanted to. But he hurt me and I've been so mad at him for it for so long. Why is he here? Why is he trying to apologize? What does he mean he was scared?

"Why are you here now?" I ask.

He hiccups. "I t-told you… I wanna… I gotta say I'm… sorry."

"But why?" I ask again. "You're supposed to hate me!" Why doesn't he hate me? Why else would he do that to me?

He jumps a little, and then really starts to cry. He sinks to the floor and hugs his knees to his chest. "I never… I can't… Shit, I don't…" Every other word he's interrupted by more tears. "Please… stop it."

I have to control myself. I have to. I'm so mad at him right now, but I'll only make things worse if I yell at him. "Takato, take a deep breath."

He sniffles. "O-okay." He tries breathing deeply. I can see him collecting his thoughts. "I wish I…" He pauses and takes another deep breath. "…could take it all back."

So do I, Takato. But you can't. "Just keep breathing," I say quietly.

"I'm so stupid." He shakes his head and buries his face in his knees. His voice comes out muffled once he starts to speak again. "I gotta try. I gotta make it up. You're… Kenta, I owe you. I promise I'll do anything." He hiccups. "Food, homework, laundry, money… I'll give you my kidney if you'll talk to me again. Please. I d-don't want you to be mad anymore."

I run a hand through my hair and sigh. "I don't get why you even care."

"It's l-like you said." He rocks forward on his heels slightly. "Y-you said we… we were friends, right? When we were kids. All that stuff we went through together…"

I nod. "Yeah, friends…" We were the best of friends. I trusted him with my life. Really. Even when I was so scared of anyone in the whole world finding out I was gay, even when I was afraid everyone would think I was some sick freak, I could never imagine Takato hating me. Boy was I wrong. "I guess things change," I whisper.

Takato's silent for a long second before saying, "I really screwed up."

"Yeah. You did," I nod. Back then I really needed my friends. I was so scared after I came out; I don't think I could have handled it if it wasn't for Hirokazu, or for Jen and his family, or Ruki, or Juri. The name-calling, the whispers, the nasty looks, the questions, I put up with it all. I could handle it so long as I had my friends. But Takato wasn't there for me. That was the one thing that really hurt.

Takato sniffles. "I don't wanna be alone anymore."

I look at Takato carefully. "What do you mean?"

"Ever since… it happened…" he stammers. "It was almost Christmas 'n I s-saw Hirokazu. He was in the park. I thought… I thought I'd ask what he wanted. H-he… he got so mad at me. I've never seen him so mad. He said if I… if I wasn't gonna talk to you, then he…"

I think I remember that. Hirokazu came over one day a little before Christmas. It was a little while after the last time I talked to Takato on the phone. I'd finally given up trying. That was a really, really hard time for me. I didn't want to see Hirokazu. I tried telling him to go away, but he can be so damn pushy. It's like he has a sixth sense for when I'm sad. I couldn't stop crying.

He stayed for a while and we talked until I told him I was feeling better. He was back the next day though. He looked like a complete wreck. Hirokazu doesn't cry in front of _anyone_. He never told me what happened, but I knew it had to be bad. I remember thinking he was taking things even worse than I was. All I knew was that he didn't see Takato after that.

Takato keeps going. "After that it was Ruki. Sh-she… she tried to get me to say something. Anything. Why didn't I listen to her? Just that once, I should have done whatever she told me to. But I… I wouldn't go with her. I couldn't. So she called me an ass 'n left. I tried to say I was sorry, but… but she said I should be talking to you instead."

I know I don't always think it, Ruki, and I never say it, but you really do know how to look out for people. I owe you a lot. Thank you for what you tried to do for me. And for everything you did do.

Takato's hands and clenched tight on his legs. He swallows hard and tries to soldier on. "And Juri, she… she tried so hard, y'know? She kept sayin' we… we should go see you together. She wanted me to call you or… or say hi at school or-or-or anything. I didn't… Why didn't I listen to her? Juri was the best. She was so nice. She didn't want to see me like that. Or you. She didn't want this to happen. She wanted everyone to be friends. I-I should've listened. Why didn't I listen, Kenta?"

I sigh. "I don't know."

"I guess… she couldn't take it anymore. She got sick of me. The way I was acting. I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did."

Takato, even with all you put me through, I never wanted that to happen. I know you were happy being with Juri. I'd never want anyone to lose something like that over me. Not even you deserve that. "I'm sorry about Juri," I say quietly.

Takato wipes his eyes on his jeans. "Thanks, Kenta. I… I still had Jen, at least. For a while. He tried to keep things, y'know… peaceful. Kept me in the loop. He was my best friend, Kenta. My only friend after…"

I nod. "After everything that happened."

"He was the best. He never got sick of me. He wasn't angry. He tried to make everything better, I think." Takato slumps back against the wall. "He wanted to know why I was like that. He wanted to understand. To… try and fix things."

That sounds like Jen. Even long after Takato and I weren't speaking, I knew those two still talked. I never meant for anyone else to lose Takato as a friend. What happened between him and me should have stayed between him and me. I'm glad they supported me, but they shouldn't have stopped being his friend over this. It was hard enough on me when I stopped being his friend. I didn't want any of them to go through that.

"I couldn't find the words," Takato says after a long silence. "I couldn't make him understand me. He kept on asking but… But I couldn't answer and I… I…" He breaks down sobbing uncontrollably. I never knew when Jen and Takato finally drifted apart or why, really. I noticed one day that it had been a long time since Jen mentioned Takato at all. He knew I didn't like thinking about Takato, but before that he'd still bring him up now and then. He wanted us to patch things up. I wanted the same thing.

"I couldn't take it anymore…" Takato admits. "I couldn't take the questions. So I-I stopped talking to him, too." I don't think I've ever seen Takato this miserable. "Without him I… It was like after I lost Guilmon. I was so… alone."

How do you think _I _felt, Takato? All that time I knew I was 'different.' The time I spent feeling like I was the only gay kid in the world. Then when I finally came out one of my oldest friends suddenly decides he can't even stand the sight of me. _That's_ what being alone feels like. "I know the feeling."

Takato lifts his head slightly and I catch a fleeting glimpse of his eyes. "I never wanted to hurt you, Kenta. You have to believe me."

"It still hurt, Takato." More than you can imagine.

He sighs. "I… I know. There's no excuse. I thought if I could talk to you…"

"You thought I'd forgive you like that?"

"No, not that." He shakes his head. "All I want is for someone to understand."

"Understand what?"

He sniffles. "How sorry I am. I can't change things, I know, but… I'm sorry."

I let out a frustrated groan. He's going around in circles now. "So what do you want from me?"

He wipes his eyes again. "This seemed like it'd be so much easier in my head."

I rub my forehead and lean heavily on my dresser. "Takato, I don't get you. Three years without a word, and now this?"

"I want you to get it, Kenta. You don't have to forgive me, it's okay. I only want you to listen."

"So talk, Takato."

He nods. "I'm sorry, Kenta. Really."

"I got that much, Takato."

He's frustrated, struggling for the words. I bet whatever liquid courage got him over here tonight is making it harder for him to say whatever it is he's trying to get out. "I know I screwed up. I really screwed up. I owe you the most of all."

That much is true. I nod to him, trying to get him to go on.

"…I owe everyone. Jen. Ruki. Hirokazu. Juri. My parents. But I wanted to make it up to you the most. I really screwed up, Kenta."

There has got to be some way to help him along. "Takato, I get that you're sorry, okay? I get that you want to make it better somehow. But why now? What's different? Why go from complete silence to… to… THIS? You're not making sense. What is going on?"

"It's hard, okay? I'm not good at this." Clearly. "I never wanted anyone to get hurt."

I know Takato never liked hurting people. And Juri tells me he never meant to hurt me. I believe her because that's the kind of guy Takato always was. But whether or not he meant it, I was hurt by what he did. I shouldn't let it still get to me. I should be better than that. I can't help it though. Takato has been a sore spot for so long now. But I can't let him know that. "Yeah, well… I guess I'm doing a little better now."

Takato doesn't seem to take much comfort in that. At first I thought it was the alcohol, but he really does seem broken up about all this. I actually feel kind of bad for him, even after what he did to me. How screwed up am I?

"Look, Takato…" This is not going to be easy to say. "I was really scared that you or anyone else could have a problem with me being gay. I knew it could happen. I knew I might lose people over it, but I never wanted it to hurt anyone else. I didn't mean for Hirokazu and Ruki and Jen and Juri… I'm sorry about that."

"I want to make it up to you, guys," Takato says quietly. "I don't want you guys to hate me anymore."

"Takato, they don't hate you." I might have for a while, but they never did. "I know if you simply tried talking to them…"

Takato shakes his head. "Not Hirokazu. He yelled so much when he saw me at the party…"

"He gets like that sometimes," I reassure him. "He's had too much to drink by the sound of things."

"I guess…"

"Well there's Juri," I point out. "I know she'd love to see you again. I think she still misses you sometimes."

"How is she?" he asks.

"Juri's doing great," I say with a little nod. "She does a lot of volunteer work these days. Spends all her time with kids that need a friend. You should hear some of the stories she's got; they're very cute." I can tell she has a lot of other stories, too. The ones she won't tell. The kind that would break your heart.

"I don't think she'd want to see me," Takato says sadly. "Not anymore."

"She took the breakup hard, you know," I tell him. "I had to be the one taking care of her for a change."

"She's better off now. I know it."

"She loved you, Takato," I tell him. "She really did."

Takato's face suddenly looks very pained. He closes his eyes tight and grabs his head in both hands. "J-just stop it," he squeaks.

Why am I so bad at stuff like this? I thought that would make him happy. I am _terrible _when it comes to talking to guys. Even straight ones, it seems.

"I loved her," Takato says after a few quiet moments. "I really did. She was so mad at me and I couldn't say anything."

I can't believe I'm about to say this. Juri would probably want me to though. Not just for her sake, but in some vain hope that Takato and I can make up. "It's not your fault."

Takato clenches his teeth. "I get so mad at myself sometimes."

"Don't beat yourself up," I tell him. "You're not an angry guy, Takato." Selfish: sure. Homophobic: absolutely. Petty: without a doubt. But outside of that one incident no one ever talks about, not angry.

"I know I'm not," he goes on. "Mostly I'm… I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself. You know what that's like?"

Gee, how could I ever possibly understand how it feels to be ashamed? It's not like I ever had any deep, dark, life-changing secrets that I had to come to terms with. "Yeah, I get it."

"I really screwed up," he says, his voice cracking as a sob escapes his lips. "I wanna talk to you guys again."

"Takato, they'll give you another chance," I say, trying to reassure him.

"But Hirokazu…" He shakes his head. "He was right. I don't deserve to be your friend. Not after what I did."

"What did Hirokazu say?"

Takato rubs his eye. "He said how much I screwed up. He's really, really proud of you. He says I… I don't deserve a guy like you. He says you're the nicest, best, greatest friend ever, 'n I… I really screwed up." Hirokazu really said that? I hope he's okay. He must be drinking more than usual to say such things. "I tried to explain. I… I think he understands now, but he said he can't forgive me. Not until you do."

"But you still haven't made me understand," I remind him. "You keep saying how scared you were and how sorry you are now, but I don't get it. Why? Why did you stop talking to me? Why change now? You say you were scared. You say you're lonely. I got that part. I don't understand what changed."

Takato trembles. "I-I know I'm not m-making any sense. Sorry. I-I… It's hard, y'know? I don't wanna be like this but… I'm sorry, Kenta. This was a bad idea. I don't think I can do this. I don't know what to say. I can't… The words aren't coming."

I sigh and walk over to my desk. I pull out the chair and sit down on it, facing Takato. "Try. Just… try and tell me what's going on. Try to tell me what you're thinking. I want to understand, Takato, but you're not making it easy."

It's true. I really do want to understand. I've wanted to understand for the longest time. After it happened I tried to convince myself Takato was homophobic, that he hated me for being the way I am. But I never really believed it. I couldn't believe it, not entirely. Not about Takato. If that's how he really felt he would have said so. He wouldn't have still talked to me for as long as he did. It never made sense. I was always wondering why, and now I finally have a chance to understand. Even if I never see Takato again after this I will at least get an answer to that question, even if it takes all night for Takato to tell me what it is.

Takato takes a deep breath. "I need a minute."

"There you go again," I say, shaking my head. It's exactly like when he wouldn't talk to me after I came out. "If you want to make this better you can't keep shutting down like this. You need to talk to me about it. If you had a problem with me being gay you should have at least said so instead of ignoring me."

"But I don't!" he said quickly. "Really Kenta, I don't have a problem with that."

"Then say it."

"Huh?"

"Say 'Kenta, I don't mind that you're gay. You're my friend no matter what.'" Those are the words I wanted to hear years ago. Those words would have made all the difference in the world. Or any words. From Takato, any words would have been better than what I got.

He looks me right in the eye. "Kenta, I don't mind if you're… g-gay. Really. I'm happy for you. And I'll always want to be your friend. Even if you don't want me as yours."

I nod. "That's a good start." He sounded sincere. It felt good hearing that. But it doesn't change things.

Takato sniffles. "I mean it."

"I know you do." Somewhere inside him there's still the friend I had when I was a kid. The friend I played card games with for hours. The one I joked with. The one I passed notes to in class. The one who invited me over for sleepovers and on that trip to Okinawa. The one I followed to the digital world. The friend I never forgot, even after he forgot me.

Takato looks away again. "I'm sorry I took so long to say it. It seems so easy, now, but…"

"But what?"

"Back then, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't."

"Why not?"

"I'm sorry, Kenta." He buries his face in his knees.

He's still going in circles. "Takato—"

"I really loved, her, Kenta. I really did."

It takes me a second to understand. "Juri?"

"Yeah," he says with a nod. "Since I was a kid. She was so nice to me. She was cute too, y'know? I wanted to see her smile all the time."

"Yeah, you had it pretty bad for her," I admit. The way he always blushed when she'd talk to him, the way he tripped over himself when she was around, you could tell he was in love.

"I still want to see her smile. I never want to see her sad again."

"None of us do, Takato," I remind him. "Not since…" Not since the other thing no one ever talks about. Not since D-Reaper.

"I wanna see her happy," he says. "I don't think I feel that way about her anymore, but I never wanted to make her sad. I never wanted to break her heart. After all she went through… How could I do that to her, Kenta?"

"Don't worry about her, Takato," I assure him. "She's tough."

"I-is she, y'know, still sad about it?" he asks. "I couldn't forgive myself if I made her sad all over again."

"She's happy, Takato. She really is."

For the first time I think I catch sight of the smallest smile on his lips. He seems so relieved to hear how she's doing. "Do you think she could ever forgive me?"

"She's forgiven much worse, Takato. If she can forgive Impmon, she'll forgive you in a heartbeat, but not until she knows you're sorry."

"I'm sorry," he tells me for about the hundredth time. "Please, tell her that."

"I think it would mean more if you tell her yourself," I say.

"M-maybe," he admits.

"Do you think you'll ask her out again?" What can I say? Juicy gossip is still juicy.

He slowly shakes his head back and forth without saying anything.

"You sure?" I ask, actually managing a little grin. "It might make her smile."

"I'm sure. Don't get me wrong, I really loved her. But with everything that happened between us…"

I'd remind him that there's a lot of baggage between he and I, but here he is trying to make amends. I really shouldn't be so hard on him. He's trying to make things right. It took him a while, but he's trying. I'd feel terrible if I didn't try too. "She'll forgive you, Takato."

"I… I wish I never fell in love with her. Things would be so much easier."

Now you've lost me. "You two seemed pretty happy when you were going out. You regret that?"

"You don't get it."

"Yeah, I guess not." Apparently there's a lot of stuff I don't get tonight.

Takato nods then takes a deep breath. "I loved Juri since I was a kid."

"Right."

"Since I was about ten."

"Uh-huh."

"Elementary school."

"I get it! You were young!"

"S-sorry," he apologizes. "It's just that… Did you ever fall in love when you were a kid?"

"Not really," I tell him. "I guess I had a crush or two."

"Who?"

I shake my head. "I don't remember. It was so long ago."

"Well, were they boys or girls?"

"Boys, I guess. I mean, at the time that's not how I thought of it, of course. I would say things like 'he's so cool' or whatever. There were also girls I was friends with, too. I think I actually remember getting teased about one of them being my 'girlfriend' or something. Well who had the last laugh on that one, huh? Ha ha!"

Takato's smiling again. He's actually smiling. I thought he was putting an act on to try and convince me he was okay with me being gay, but it really seems like he accepts me now. I bet my laughing like that did him a lot of good. Up until now I haven't been the best company, have I?

"Never anything like you and Juri though," I point out. "It was really obvious you were in love."

He nods as the smile fades from his face again. "I really liked her. I was so happy when she agreed to go out with me the first time."

"Yeah, I remember her telling me she was pretty happy about it too." She wanted to talk to someone and Ruki wasn't interested, leaving me. Even with how deep in the closet I was then, Juri still thought of me as a great sounding board for those conversations.

"It was nice, y'know?" he asks. "Comfortable. We were close and I was always happy to see her smile. Even her dad liked it when I came around."

"To be fair, I think that's because he knew he could take you in a fight."

Takato laughs a little. That's progress, at least. "It was just, um…"

"Just what?"

He shifts around nervously. "I wasn't… really… all that into some things."

"What sort of things?"

"Like… physical stuff."

Physical stuff? Now this sounds like some _very _juicy gossip. Then again, I'm not sure if I want to know that much about Juri's hobbies. My suspicions about Ruki and that on-again-off-again thing she has with Ryou have fueled more than enough of my nightmares already. "What sort of 'physical stuff?'"

Takato shrugs. "Regular stuff. I really liked holding hands with her and hugging. That was great. I wasn't really into kissing or anything though."

"You probably weren't ready."

He nods. "Yeah, that's what I kept saying. We kissed a few times, but it wasn't all that great. We got older and she wanted to do more, but I still didn't even like kissing. Things got kinda weird."

"How old?" I ask. "Some kids take longer to develop than—"

"Seventeen."

Okay, yeah. That is a little weird. Pretty much any seventeen-year-old boy would cut off his right hand if it meant a chance to make out with Juri. Well, any boy but me at that age. Wait… "Uh, Takato?"

"I know she was upset that I wasn't talking to you anymore, but she was already pretty frustrated over how we never fooled around. The way I treated you kinda pushed her over the edge."

Don't be stupid Kenta. You can't go thinking that about _every_ guy. Especially Takato. He couldn't be. Not with how he acted. "Yeah, I guess."

"It's weird. I shoulda felt the worst I ever did when she broke up with me. I felt pretty bad 'n all, but… I was kind of relieved too. It was easier not to have a girlfriend."

What if he was? Would he even realize it? It was hard enough for me, but for a guy like Takato? Never happen. I'd sure feel like an idiot though. "Uh-huh."

"It got easier to not think about… certain things."

Holy shit.

"I loved Juri, Kenta. But that was before I, uh…"

"Before you what?"

He clears his throat. "I mean, I said we were, y'know, kids 'n all. We were only in the fifth grade when all that stuff happened. That was the year I knew I was in love with her. But that was before, uh…"

I think I have a guess what he's getting at. "Before that special time in a boy's life?" I ask, barely able to hold back a grin. "When his voice starts to change, his skin goes to hell, he gets hair in weird places and all that fun stuff?"

He turns bright red. "Y-yeah. After that, things were… different."

"Takato, are you…?"

"It was great going out with her. She was pretty much my best friend. I got to have a girlfriend for a long time. Hirokazu was _so _jealous, you know?"

I laugh. "Yeah, he was tearing his hair out over that."

"Having a girlfriend made it way easier to think I was like everyone else, I guess. But when she wanted to kiss me or anything… I knew I wasn't." Takato sighs heavily.

I wait a few seconds for him to say something more. He doesn't though. He's very quiet and he's shaking again. "Keep going," I say, trying to make it sound as comforting as I can.

Takato drops his arms at his sides and looks up at the ceiling, letting his head rest against the wall. "After she dumped me it got easier to not think about it. If I could forget it was there everything would be okay. It was hard though. It… wasn't a happy time for me. My mom and dad thought I was upset over the breakup, but I was having a really hard time and… I was lonely. I never thought I'd be so lonely until you guys weren't talking to me anymore."

Damn it. How much of an idiot am I? "I'm sorry."

"Kenta, I…" Takato shuts his eyes. He starts to cry again, but he's got it under control now. He doesn't even sob. "I'd never have a problem with you being gay." He takes an unnaturally long pause. I can see him collecting his thoughts, trying to find the words and the courage to get out the next part. I hold my breath. "I'm… the same way."

It hits me like a ton of bricks. I know it shouldn't; I even started to suspect it in the last few minutes. But thinking it and hearing it are two entirely different things. This… this is a lot to take in, even for me. Takato… never hated me for being gay. He was scared. I get it now. He was scared like I was for the longest time.

I think I finally get why my parents were so shocked. Coming out is terrifying. Being on the other side of things for once is a whole different thing though. The fear in Takato's voice got to me. I was afraid for him. Hearing something that personal about someone, knowing everything it could mean for him, it's overwhelming. Takato came here, even knowing I would hate him for what he put me through, and he was willing to say this? He was okay with being _this _vulnerable in front of me?

"Kenta? Are you okay?" He's looking right at me again and he's scared as hell. All the color has left his face and he's shaking uncontrollably.

I realize I haven't said anything yet and it's been a while. Why can't I say anything? Of all people I should be okay with this news. I owe Takato better than what he gave me. "Yeah. I'm fine."

Takato bows his head. "I'm sorry," his says with a shudder.

My whole mouth is dry, but I've got to keep talking. "How long have you… known for sure?"

"Not long." He's barely holding it together. "July."

That recently? Takato must have been really deep in the closet. "Does anyone else know?"

He nods. "You remember my cousin Kai?"

How could I forget? "Yeah."

"He sort of helped me figure it out. He was really cool about it, so that helped. And I think Juri might know, or at least she suspects. She has to with what I was like when we were dating."

I don't think Juri knows. She might suspect it but if she knew she'd have told me. I wish someone had told me a long time ago. Anyone. Takato, why didn't you ever tell me? "Anyone else?"

Takato scratches his cheek. "Um… Hirokazu too. I told him at the party tonight. He was angry and yelling and… I wanted him to understand."

"I see." Thanks for sending him over here, Hirokazu. This is huge.

He bows to me. "I don't know if you can forgive me, Kenta, but I hope you can understand now."

I groan. "Why didn't you ever say anything before? I could've helped you deal with this. You could've helped me too."

He glances up at me again; he looks drained. "I didn't want you to hate me, Kenta," he says. "But I… I couldn't face it. Every time I saw you, every time I heard people talking, every time your parents came up… I didn't want it to happen to me. I tried so, so hard to pretend to be normal. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to hurt you, but… being near you was too hard. I couldn't take it."

I can't believe this. Why didn't I try harder back then? Why did I give up so easily? I should have known Takato couldn't hate me over this. Why was I so stupid? This was Takato after all! I kept thinking that when I did come out people would hate me for it. It seemed like Takato was doing exactly what I expected. At least was how it looked to me. Did I miss something? Were there clues? I was so wrapped up in my own problems that I didn't even consider that he was dealing with his own. Takato's not the selfish one. I am.

Takato sucks in a short breath and goes on. "I-I know you're probably still mad. I had t-to say something though."

Knowing that Takato's gay changes everything. I can't even put it all together yet, but I do know that I understand. I did a lot of really stupid stuff when I was still in the closet. I tried so hard to convince myself that I was straight. I did everything I could to avoid the possibility that I might be different. If our situations were reversed, I think I might have done the same thing as him. What he did to me hurt. It still hurts. But it hurt him too, maybe even worse than it did me.

Am I still mad? I don't know. It's been such a long time. Years. For years any time I've thought of Takato, I thought of the guy who turned his back on me when I needed him more than ever. It made my blood boil even thinking about him. I couldn't stand him. No… no that's wrong. I couldn't stand what he did to me. I didn't hate Takato. I missed him. At least that's how it was at first. After a while the only thing I could think about when it came to Takato was what he did to me.

"Takato…" I begin after a long silence. He's crying, but does his best to look at me through the tears. "I understand now. I don't know if I'm still mad, but I know I missed you; knowing you wouldn't speak to me again, it really… I didn't like to think that we weren't friends anymore."

He wipes his eyes. "I wish I wasn't so stupid back then, Kenta."

I sigh. "After a while I had to accept it. I thought I'd get along fine without you, and for the most part I did. Now and then though I'd be reminded of you, and that part never got any easier. But I had my own life and I couldn't get hung up on you and your problems." It's a rather bold lie, I admit. There was a long time where I was a mess. But Takato doesn't need to think about that. Not now.

He shakes his head. "I've got way too many problems for you to worry about, Kenta. Believe me."

"Yeah, no kidding," I say with a weak smile. "I really do understand now, Takato. I know why you did what you did. I had a hard time dealing with it, but I guess you took it even worse."

He nods. "I've never felt so bad in my whole life, Kenta. I never should've…"

"It's okay, Takato," I say calmly. "It's going to be okay now."

Takato slowly lets out a breath. "You really understand?"

"Yeah, I do." It really hurt what I went through, losing him as a friend like that. But looking back, I can't even imagine what it was like for him. I lost one friend, but he lost all of them. And now he's the one apologizing.

"Thanks, Kenta." He wipes his eyes on his sleeve. "You have no idea how much that means to me."

"I think I do. Before I came out the only thing I wanted in the whole world was someone who understood what I was going through. Someone to talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge me for being different. When you're all alone, you turn against yourself. You start thinking the worst things possible. A little understanding can fix all of that though."

Takato sniffles. "What was it like?" he asks. "C-coming out, I mean."

"I'm not going to lie," I warn him. "Even after I came out I still felt weird about it for a long time. I felt like people only saw that part of me, but they never really understood it."

"What changed for you?"

"Ruki, if you can believe it."

"Ruki?" He looks at me in stunned disbelief.

I nod. "Turns out she can be very insightful when she wants to be. She helped me get comfortable with it, in her own way. I could talk about it without it turning into all there was to me."

"You're lucky. I still feel that way all the time. Even though almost no one else knows, it seems like it's all I can even think about."

I smile at him. "Don't worry, Takato. It'll get better."

"When?"

"Give it time," I say. "Aren't things already better since you admitted it to yourself?"

He blushes a little. "Well, yeah, actually. I'm still really nervous about it 'n everything, but when I think about… stuff… it doesn't freak me out like it used to. I guess that's sort of what I'm supposed to feel if I'm that way, right?"

I shrug. "If not then I've been doing it all wrong."

Takato laughs a little. I've missed hearing him laugh. "You're being so nice, Kenta. I don't think I deserve it."

"Maybe. Maybe not. But we've got to stick together now, right?"

"I guess." He's starting to smile. Bit by bit his face is getting brighter.

I clear my throat. "Takato, listen. I think it would be good for you to hang out with everyone again. I don't know that they'll all forgive you right away, but, well, I think you need it. And maybe they do too."

He plays with his fingers nervously. "Do I, uh, have to… y'know?"

"Come out to them?"

He looks away. "…Yeah."

I lean back in my chair and contemplate the ceiling. "I guess you don't _have _to. If you want you can talk about it with Hirokazu and I, since we already know. But I think it's something you should consider."

"Do you really think they'll take me back?"

"Yeah, I do," I tell him. "It would be easier if they know why this all happened, but I'm sure they'll take you back whether they know about it or not. They miss you, Takato. I've missed you too."

"Kenta, you have no idea how much that would mean. I never though I'd see, well, _any _of you guys ever again."

I smile. It's the least I can do for Takato. He's given me back a friend I thought I'd lost forever. He deserves the same. "Don't mention it."

"No, really Kenta. This is, like, the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. I thought you'd hate me, but… but you…" Great, there he goes crying again. How much did he have to drink?

"Takato, I don't hate you," I say. And it's true. I'm still not sure what I do feel for him. I don't think he's my friend yet, but at the very least I know I don't hate him. I can't. I'm not even sure whether I ever did. "I'm relieved to hear you don't hate me either. After all these years I was so sure you did."

"I don't hate you, Kenta. I'm sorry for making you think I did."

"I know you are, Takato. I understand, but…"

"But what?" he asks.

"N-nothing," I say quickly. "Forget about it."

"Kenta, please," he begs. "Don't keep me out of the loop. Don't keep any more secrets. I don't think I could take it."

I let out a breath. This isn't going to be fun. "Takato, I mean it when I say I understand. I really do. But I don't think that, well, that I, uh…"

He looks at me, eyes pleading for me to go on. He's still crying. He's going to hate hearing this. I'm sorry, Takato. I shouldn't say this. "I don't think I can forgive you. At least not yet."

Takato's face falls. "I-I understand," he whimpers. "I'm so, so sorry…"

"I know," I whisper. Sorry Takato. You're not the problem right now. I know you're trying really hard to fix this. I think I'm going to have to try hard too.

He looks so lonely over there all of a sudden. That's probably the last thing he needs right now. I'm not ready to forgive him, but I don't want to see him suffer any more. Takato needs a friend really bad. I guess I'll have to do in the mean time. I get up out of my chair and walk over to him. He stays seated on the ground, watching as I come over and sit down next to him with my back against the wall. He starts to cry harder. With a heavy sigh I put an arm around his shoulder.

"Sorry," I whisper.

He wipes his eyes. "Don't be," he says. "Please don't be sorry. This is all my fault."

"I can't help how I feel," I try to explain. "I want you to be happy. I want to be your friend again, Takato. But this is the best I can do right now."

"I was such an idiot, Kenta."

So was I. "Takato, please forgive yourself," I ask of him. "I'll try to do the same."

He nods and sniffles. I pat him on the shoulder. A few years ago I would have done anything to talk Takato this much. Even if I don't like Takato right now I owe it to my past self to do this.

"Thank you, Kenta," Takato whispers, making it sound almost like a prayer.

"You don't have class tomorrow, right?" I ask quietly.

"Right."

"I think we should get lunch together. You, me and Hirokazu. Just the three of us."

"I think I'd like that."

"Me too."

"Kenta?"

"Yeah?"

He looks me in the eye. "Would it be okay if I hugged you?"

"Okay, but no tongue." I smile, hoping he'll appreciate the joke.

"It's fine if you don't want me to. But I… I really need a hug."

"Yeah, it's okay," I say quietly.

He leans over and softly places his arms around my neck, resting his chin on my shoulder. I place my hand on his back, and we stay like that for a minute or so. I feel Takato's damp cheek on my neck. He really did need this. So did I.

Takato leaves not long afterwards. I can't go back to bed; there's too much on my mind, so instead I sit at my desk. It's just as well, since I'm sure Hirokazu will be dragging himself back here any minute, probably roaring drunk and sure to be wondering how things went with Takato.

There's a knock at the door. Speak of the devil.

I hear the door open, so at least Hirokazu still has his keys with him. "Not interrupting anything, am I?" Hirokazu asks, staying outside for the moment.

"Come in, I'm alone," I say.

He steps inside wearing a mischievous grin and the door shuts behind him. "How's it going?"

"Fine," I tell him.

"Anything _interesting_ happen while I was out?"

I shake my head. "Nope, not a thing."

"What? Are you sure?"

"All quiet."

Hirokazu starts gnashing his teeth. "That dumb-ass…"

"Who?" I ask with a little smirk.

"Oh, uh, no one. Forget I said anything." He looks away with a stern scowl.

"Whatever. By the way, are you doing anything for lunch tomorrow?"

"No. I don't think so."

I nod. "Good, because we're going out with Takato."

"We're going out with—? I _knew _it! He _was _here!" Hirokazu's whole face lights up.

I can't stop myself from snickering. Hirokazu is too fun to mess with sometimes. "Yeah. We had a long talk."

That mischievous grin returns to Hirokazu's face. "Is that so?"

"Yeah. He was really—What are you doing?"

Hirokazu's on top of me in a flash. He grabs hold of my head with one hand and the collar of my shirt with the other, stretching it out as he looks uncomfortably closely at my neck. "What gives?" he asks after a few seconds of intense scrutiny.

"That's what I want to know!" I shout, finally pushing him away.

"No hickeys?"

I grab for my pillow and strike him over the head with it. "What do you take me for?" I yell.

"Ow…" He rubs the side of my face and looks my way. "Sorry. I thought maybe you two might hit it off."

"Me and _Takato_?" I demand. "Hirokazu, the drinking is cute and all but I told you to lay off the hard-core stuff."

"He didn't even make a move?"

"Of course not! Why would he?" I ask.

"Because he likes you. Duh!"

I roll my eyes. "He does not."

"Sorry dude, but he totally does," Hirokazu says.

"You're out of your mind," I say.

"So this is the credit I get," Hirokazu says with a grin. "I finally send a guy who likes you over to the room and I get slapped down. It all makes sense now."

"Yeah, well… thanks all the same," I tell him. "It was good to see him again."

"So how'd it go?"

"We're going to try working things out."

Hirokazu smiles, one of the biggest I've ever seen from him. "Awesome! Dude, you have _no _idea how much I've missed hanging out with Takato! He's, like, the missing part of the group, you know?"

"Yeah, I know."

"That's pretty weird about him being gay though, don't you think?"

"Stranger things have happened," I say with a shrug. "I've got to ask, though: what did you say that got him to come out to you?"

"Eh, nothing all that special," Hirokazu says. "Between you and Takato, I've got some kind of magic power to make guys come out."

I raise my eyebrow. "If that's so, I'm booking us on the next flight to Okinawa. Let's see you work this magic of yours."

* * *

><p>[I want to apologize for taking a little extra time with this chapter. Of all the chapters in this story, this one needed the most drafts to get into working order. You'd be surprised how hard it can be to make Takato sound drunk enough but not so drunk that he's incoherent.<p>

And that reminds me. Underage drinking is bad for you, kids. Even if you are in college and there are a million things both worse for you and more fun around every corner.

with love,

ian]


	6. Take a Chance

The Fabulous Kenta Kitagawa

Chapter 6: Take a Chance

January, 2011

Makino Residence, Shinjuku

"Kitagawa go do something about your boyfriend already," Ruki says grimly.

"He'll be fine," I tell her with a shrug. "Come on, it's a party."

"Yeah, Ruki," Ryou says with a big sloppy grin; he's sitting across the table from her with a freshly emptied shot glass. "Let him live a little."

"Oh I'll let him live alright, Akiyama," Ruki says, "unless he pukes in my koi pond."

Jen looks at me as he leans back against the kitchen counter. "You should at least make sure he's still wearing pants. Don't want him to freeze to death."

"Good point," I have to admit.

I can't help noticing a smirk appear on Ruki's mouth after she finishes her own shot. "Li, if that dumb-ass lost his pants in my house again, freezing to death will be the least of his worries."

"Well… maybe I should at least check in on him," I say. There are a lot of ways Hirokazu can get himself into trouble around this place. I get the feeling Ruki would not appreciate having to explain to her mother how something wound up broken. Something like Hirokazu's face.

"See if he needs a glass of water," Juri suggests; she's sitting on a stool not far from Jen. "I think that's supposed to help."

"I'll do that," I say as I step out onto the deck and close the door behind me. It's late, almost midnight and I can't see any stars overhead, but the moon and the yard lights are reflecting off the freshly fallen snow covering everything. I close my jacket tight around me and look around. He can't have gotten too far.

"Kenta!" Hirokazu waves at me from down at the far end of the house in front of Ruki's old room. He's sitting down looking out over the yard.

"You doing okay?" I ask as I approach.

"Never better!" Hirokazu shouts.

"Keep it down, alright?" I ask as I stop next to him. "The last thing we need is for the neighbors to call the police because you're making too much noise." Again.

"No, dude," he corrects me. "The last thing we need's you guys to be all stuck inside 'n stuff. C'mon! Let's make snow angels!"

I roll my eyes at that. "Hirokazu, you're drunk."

He grins up at me. "I know. Great, ain't it?"

I'm not about to deny it's entertaining, at least for now. When he gets sick or hung over, then it's not so much fun. "Just try not to do anything stupid, okay?"

"Who, me?" he asks. "Never happen."

"Never, huh? What about the time you wanted to go swimming? In the bay, no less."

"Hey, I'd've done that even if I wasn't drunk."

I groan. "Doesn't make it any less stupid. And then there was the first time you tried rum."

He looks a little sick all of a sudden. "I don't remember a whole lot about that night. Just lots of spinning. And I think when I woke up I was wearing nail polish."

"Yep, that was Juri," I remind him. "She tried to put your hair up in pigtails, too."

"Juri's weird," Hirokazu decides. "Whatever. So what if I do somethin' stupid? I got you there to watch my ass, right?"

"Of course," I say. "I only wish you wouldn't make my job so hard."

"Okay, okay," Hirokazu says with a smile. "I promise from now on to make it way easier for you to keep an eye on my ass."

"Thanks," I say a moment before I realize where this is leading. Hirokazu's unzipping his fly already. "Keep your pants on."

"Aww." He sounds disappointed. Why does Hirokazu have such an aversion to pants when he's been drinking?

"Ruki would kill you," I remind him. "And if you were dead I might not get invited back here for any more parties."

"Yeah right," Hirokazu says. "She loves havin' you here. She's gotta use her gay jokes on _someone_."

"You're right about that," I admit. "Gee, I guess I shouldn't have left Takato back there. Without me around to distract her he's got to be feeling the full force of her jokes by now."

Hirokazu shakes his head. "I've seen that before. Hell, I've been through that before. Not pretty."

"She's Ruki, that's for sure," I say with a smile. "Not even Ryou can avoid it." I still say those two make a weird pair. I'd call them a couple, but with the way things have shaken out, it's hard to know whether they're going out at any given time.

Hirokazu nods. "Yeah, she's Ruki. But c'mon, she's gotta be all into seein' two guys together. She jokes about it all the time, right?"

"Nah," I have to say. "I'm pretty sure she just likes seeing us squirm."

"Let's go make _her_ squirm then," Hirokazu slurs. "C'mon, whaddya say?"

"And how exactly are we going to do that?" I ask.

"Let's go 'n make out in front of her!" he shouts with a triumphant gleam in his eye.

I crack up laughing of course. Hirokazu, you know how to lift my spirits.

"I'm serious," he says. "She'd totally flip out, dude!"

"One problem with that plan," I point out. "You're straight."

He waves his hand at me. "Details, Kenta. I could be gay if I wanted."

I smile and shake my head. "I'll have to remember you said that."

"It's true!" he says. "I could be gay as shit! Doesn't look so hard."

"Looks can be deceiving," I say with a little laugh as I take a seat on the deck a short distance from Hirokazu. "It takes years of hard work and discipline to be _this _fabulous."

"Bullshit," Hirokazu says. "Hell, Takato picked it up in no time! I could be SO much gayer than Takato." Why is there never a tape recorder or a video camera around when I really, really need one?

"Just out of curiosity, what exactly do you think you need to be gay?" I ask. This should be fun.

"I dunno," he grumbles. "Like, special clothes. Earrings 'n scarves 'n shit."

I laugh, choosing not to draw attention to the shell necklace Hirokazu's wearing. He still thinks I'm the one that bought it for him. "What else?"

"You gotta, um, be sassy 'n junk. I can totally do that… that… What do you call it? The finger snap thing."

Wow. If I could get him to do that on camera I would never, ever stop laughing. "Anything else?"

"Of course! I could dance to techno 'n sing show tunes! I could talk about cute guys! I don't even have to watch sports anymore!"

"Well that's not fair," I say. "I love soccer and you know it."

"Loving the sport 'n loving the players are totally different, Kenta," he reminds me.

I laugh. "Okay, okay. Fair enough. So tell me, Mr. gayer-than-thou, could you sleep with a guy?"

Hirokazu frowns. "…Crap. I forgot about that part."

I shrug. "Hate to tell you, Hirokazu, but you can't fix straight."

"Well maybe I can be bi then," he says.

"I think you're going to run into the same problem there," I tell him.

"Really?" he asks. "Shit. How come you guys get to have all the fun, huh?"

"To make up for the years of depression and loneliness," I tell him with a big grin on my face.

"No fair."

"If it makes you feel any better, at least most people think you're gay," I tell him.

"Yeah, I know," he says. "I get some _weird _looks from the girls I ask out."

"Sorry about that," I try reassuring him. "I'm pretty sure it's because we're best friends and all."

Hirokazu gives me a big, sloppy smile. "Aww. You're my best friend too, Kenta. Now gimme a kiss."

"See, this is one of those 'stupid things' I warned you about doing."

"C'mon," he insists. "I know you wanna. You like guys, I am a guy, it's a match made in heaven."

"For me, maybe, but you're still straight," I remind him. I know it might not always look that way and plenty of people assume he's really, really deep in the closet, but trust me. Hirokazu is hopelessly, irredeemably straight beyond any shadow of a doubt. How do I know this? Let's simply say that he borrows my laptop all the time and he never clears the browsing history. I have seen things that no gay man should set eyes upon.

"What if I'm not though?" he asks. "We're always together 'n stuff."

"Afraid you caught the gay from me?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Just sayin' s'all."

"Hirokazu, you're straight. Believe me."

"So you shouldn't have any problem givin' me a kiss, right?" he asks.

I groan. "I don't think that's how it's supposed to work."

"What's the matter?" he asks with a dopey smirk. "Afraid you might like it?"

I let out a tired sigh. "I don't want to have to watch you freak out tomorrow, telling me how it never happened."

"Oh I get it," he says. "You don't wanna 'cause you _like _someone."

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, sure. You hit the nail on the head there."

"So who is he?" Hirokazu asks, his smile only getting bigger. "Someone I know?"

I shake my head. "Hirokazu, I'm not—"

"It _is _someone I know!" he says. "It's all over your face!"

"Just because I don't want to make out with you doesn't mean I like someone," I say matter-of-factly. Not that that's likely to win an argument with Hirokazu.

"Wait, lemme guess. It's Takato, right? I _so _called that!"

I frown. "Don't be an idiot," I tell him. Hirokazu says really stupid things sometimes. Most of those times involve drinking.

"C'mon, dude. You can tell me. I even promise not to say anything!"

"Hirokazu, you do remember what Takato did to me, right?" It's been four months since he came out and I still haven't forgiven him. I don't know that I ever can.

"So what?" he asks. "Get over it."

"Hirokazu, I can't just 'get over it' after all that."

"Why not?' he asks.

"It's complicated," I say, hoping that should be enough for him for now.

"Bullshit," he says.

"We've been over this before," I remind him. "I can't even forgive Takato for what happened. There's no way in hell I could _like _him."

"Bullshit," Hirokazu says again.

"It's not—"

"Bull. Shit." Hirokazu glances at me for a long second before turning his head to look out at the courtyard. "You like him."

"I can't—"

He cuts me off. "You like guys. He likes guys. You're both guys. Figure it out."

"Brilliant reasoning," I say sarcastically. "Since we're going with that, you must like Juri, right? Why don't you ask her out? You two would make a _great _couple."

He shuts his eyes. "Totally. She's cute."

"I was kidding, Hirokazu. You two have nothing in common."

"Sure we do; just not as much as she and Takato had," Hirokazu points out.

I snicker to myself. "Yeah, they've got a lot in common, that's for sure. Right down to the fact they both like guys."

Hirokazu grins. "So much for Takato bein' Mr. big-shot-look-at-me-I've-got-a-girlfriend from high school, huh?"

"Easy now," I say. "He's still had more dates than you."

"That stuff with Juri doesn't count as dating!" Hirokazu insists. "There's gotta be, y'know, a shot at somethin' for it to be a date."

"Well if we're going by those rules you've had even fewer dates than I thought."

"Hey! I had a shot with every one of those ladies."

"Really?" I ask. "Even the ones that thought you were gay and wanted to hang out with you as friends?"

Hirokazu rubs his left cheek. "Those slaps were totally undeserved."

"Or there's my personal favorite," I say with a love-struck sigh. "When your 'new friend' on the baseball team invited you over for pizza."

Hirokazu covers his eyes with his hands. "Ugh. Don't remind me."

"I forget did he get to second base that night?" I ask.

Hirokazu coughs. "You know damn well I tagged him out after he rounded first."

I shake my head. "Hirokazu, you're a true gentleman. Too bad things didn't work out though; that guy was hot."

"That was a fluke!"

"It's not a fluke if guys keep asking you out," I point out.

"Just proves I'm too sexy for my own good."

"And yet the women somehow still manage not to throw themselves in your path," I say with a snicker.

"You gotta see me work my magic, dude," Hirokazu says confidently. "C'mon. I'll try it out on Juri."

"Hirokazu, as your best friend, I can't let you do that," I let him know. "Not even you could live that one down."

"Alright, alright," he concedes. "So Juri 'n I don't have a shot. It's not like we've got as much in common as you 'n Takato anyway."

I sigh. "I keep telling you, I don't like Takato that way."

"Why not?" he asks. "You two have, like, everything in common."

"Do not."

"Sure you do," Hirokazu says like it's the most obvious thin in the universe. "You're both gay, after all."

"Gee, what an odd coincidence. I'd never thought of it like that." Even on his best days Hirokazu doesn't always think out the things he says ahead of time.

"Okay, well, you were both tamers," he adds. "Not to mention best friends since, like, forever."

"Regular friends," I tell him. "You were always my best friend."

"Nah, I'm your bester friend or somethin'. Takato was your regular best friend."

Some best friend. He stopped talking to me for three years. "Whatever."

"Neither one of you has any brothers or sisters," Hirokazu adds. "You both suck at card games. You've both gone to the same school from kindergarten to now. Oh, and you both sing really sappy songs when we go out for karaoke."

"All that describes you, too," I remind him. "By that reasoning, you could go out with him."

"Nah, I prefer blondes," Hirokazu says before continuing. "You both cry at sad movies. You love to make jokes 'n he's got a great laugh. You go nuts for fresh bread 'n his family runs a bakery. You like nice scenery, mountains 'n sunsets 'n shit, 'n Takato's one hell of an artist, so he could, like paint that stuff for you. You—"

"Okay, I get it," I say to cut him off. "So Takato and I have a few things in common. That doesn't change anything."

"Why not?" he asks.

"It just doesn't."

"Bullshit."

"Forget about it. I can't like him that way, Hirokazu." I can't. Not after everything that happened.

"What, not cute enough for you?" Hirokazu asks.

"You know why—"

"You prefer tall guys?"

"Hirokazu…"

"C'mon, Takato's great. Artistic. Makes the best bread. Nicest guy in the world. Not to mention…" He gives me an impish grin.

"Not to mention what?"

"Well think about it. We were all in the same gym class back in high school. You can't tell me you never noticed."

I'm sure Hirokazu can tell how well I remember that from the blush on my face. "Yes, well…"

"All I'm sayin' is Takato's not a bad guy," Hirokazu explains. "Sure he's screwed up some things 'n all that, but there's a lotta good stuff, too."

"More bad things than good," I point out.

"Only 'cause you can't let go of the bad stuff, stupid."

"And you could?" I ask.

"Of course," Hirokazu says with a shrug. "Sure I'd be mad for a while, but you can't hang onto this kinda thing forever."

I groan. "He turned his back on me," I say. "You remember how depressed I was. That's not something I can forgive so easily."

"Yeah, I remember," Hirokazu says. "I was there every day."

"How could I forgive him after that?" I ask.

"How could you not?" Hirokazu shoots back. "Dude, you were miserable without him. You kept sayin' how you wished he'd talk to you again 'n stuff."

I nod. "Yeah."

"And now he does," Hirokazu goes on. "You should be _thrilled_!"

"Keep your voice down," I remind him. "And yeah, I know I wished he'd talk to me again, but that was three years ago. After a while I was just plain mad at him." I'm still mad at him. Even after he tried to explain, I can't stop being mad. I don't want to stop being mad.

Hirokazu sighs. "He's always tryin' to make it up to you, man. Bringin' you bread 'n stuff from his folks; payin' for lunch; anythin' you want, he'll get it for you."

"He feels bad is all." He should.

"Maybe," Hirokazu concedes. "Maybe he likes you back."

"I don't like him," I say as clearly as I can. "And he doesn't like me either."

"He SO does," Hirokazu says with a little laugh. "Remember how he used to act around Juri when we were kids? All shy 'n stuff? Totally does that around you."

"Maybe he's shy because he feels guilty," I point out.

"Can't it be both?" he asks.

"I really have no idea why you're trying to play matchmaker," I say. "I thought _I _was supposed to be the one who was all into romance."

"Dude, I'm, like, the KING of romance." Another thing I'll wish I had a recording of for later. "Y'know how I strike out a lot? And I mean a LOT."

"I'm familiar with your track record," I say.

"Well that's 'cause I ask out a _lot _of girls," Hirokazu explains. "Most aren't interested, but whatever. I'm happy 'cause I never let one get away. I never miss a chance. I don't want you to miss a chance either."

I fold my arms in front of me. "Well believe me: I've got no 'chance' with Takato."

"Why not?"

"Because Takato's an ass," I spit out. After all this time that answer is like a reflex.

"Dude, he was scared. You know what that's like."

"Yeah, I do," I admit. "But I also never turned my back on any of my friends because I was scared. I never stopped talking to anyone over it."

"Sure you did," Hirokazu says quietly.

"Takato stopped talking to me first," I point out.

"I don't mean Takato," Hirokazu goes on. "I mean all of us."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You remember that trip to Okinawa?" he asks.

Vividly. "Of course. We had a lot of fun."

"Well, that was when I figured out you liked guys," Hirokazu says. "I mean, it was pretty obvious."

"Not helping, Hirokazu."

"Afterwards I was kinda freaked out, y'know? You were, like, my best friend in the whole world and when I realized…" He pauses to collect his thoughts, looking out at the courtyard. "I was sorta worried for a while, but you didn't seem any different. I got used to the idea. You never talked about it though. Not even after Taizou started screwin' with you. That's when I got really worried."

Of course I wasn't going to talk about it with Hirokazu back then. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I couldn't even handle knowing the truth myself; the idea of anyone else finding out scared the hell out of me. I know now that things would have been mostly fine if I did come out sooner, but at the time there was no way I could have handled it.

"Any time it came up you pretended to like girls," Hirokazu goes on. "It's like you were lyin' to us."

I sigh. "Yeah, but I had to. I was in denial for a long time." Whenever I think about how I was back then, I try to say I was "in denial about who I was." That's one way to say it. Another way is to say I was lying. I was lying to my friends, to my family, and even to myself. I was at my worst on Okinawa I think. It should have been so obvious to me; apparently it was more than obvious to everyone else. But I fought it as hard as I could. I kept fighting even though part of me knew I'd already lost.

"Still, you didn't tell me," Hirokazu says. "Not for a long time after even you knew. I thought we were closer than that."

"We are close," I try to reassure him.

"How do you think it felt?" he asks me. "Every time I knew you were lying or didn't wanna talk about it… I knew you were hiding from me 'n I didn't like it."

"But it's not like I stopped talking to you altogether," I point out.

"You're still doing it though," Hirokazu says. "You're still lying."

"No I'm not," I say firmly.

"Yeah you are, man. Stop tryin' to act so tough 'n admit you like him."

I groan. "Takato's an ass," I say once again. "I don't like him." I mean it. Why can't Hirokazu believe me?

"It's okay to be happy, y'know," he whispers. "I'm not gonna think you're stupid for liking him."

How many times do I have to say it? I don't like Takato! I can't forgive him. I shouldn't even want to talk to him. I'm too nice to tell him to his face. And I don't care what Hirokazu or Takato or anyone else thinks about me. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I am Kenta Kitagawa, damn it! I'm here, I'm queer, and I know damn well how I feel about things!

It's not like I _hate _Takato or anything. I couldn't do that to him. He's still my friend. Or rather he was. I can't really call him a friend these days, even though we do hang out all the time. Mostly that's Hirokazu's idea (which, by the way, really isn't helping his case for heterosexuality.) But I can't forgive Takato. I won't. I shouldn't. Maybe I'm being stupid, but what I went through because of him really hurt. If I forgave him and something like that happened again I'd look like the world's biggest sucker. I'd hate myself even more than I did before.

"Why do you want me to like him so much?" I ask.

"You DO like him," he says confidently.

I sigh. "I don't like anyone that way right now."

"So then why won't you gimme a kiss, huh?" We're back to this again? This is weird, even for Hirokazu.

"Why do you care so much about some stupid kiss?" I ask.

He winks. "Gimme some sugar 'n I'll tell you."

I'm not playing this game," I say impatiently.

"C'mon…" he pleads as he crawls over to me on his hands and knees. "You scared or somethin'?"

"Hirokazu, you're drunk," I say as he kneels beside me.

"So're you!"

"I've only had a couple beers," I remind him. "Compared to you that's nothing."

"Well yeah, but you're a total lightweight," he says. "Kiss me."

"Why?"

"Stop bein' such a wuss!" He leans a little closer. "What, I'm not your type?"

"Hirokazu, I like you," I say. "You're my best friend in the whole world, but you're straight. Sorry to tell you, but it's true."

"For all you know I could be totally gay!" he insists.

"Hirokazu, you've had too much to drink," I say. "When you sober up I don't want you to be mad at me."

"I won't though!"

"I don't want to risk our friendship for some stupid drunken thrill," I say firmly.

He rolls his eyes at me. "Kenta, we're, like, the best friends EVER. Nothing you could do could ever make me not want to be your friend."

I look away. "I thought the same thing about Takato."

He cranes his neck down to look me in the eye. "Kenta, this is me talkin' here. You know damn well the gay stuff doesn't weird me out."

That much is true. It's never seemed to bother him as far as I could see. He was happy for me when I came out. Really happy. If anything he and I only got closer since then. It doesn't bother him that everyone thinks he's gay. Hell, even Ruki's jokes barely leave a scratch. I've wondered, sometimes, but then I'm always brought back to reality: Hirokazu is straight. I'm as sure of that as anything. And he's sure of it too. "Are you certain it won't bother you?" I ask.

He places a hand over his heart and stares into my eyes unblinkingly. "I swear on my footlocker full of girlie mags."

"Yeesh, you _are _serious," I say with a little smirk. "Okay, you win. Just one." I might be a little tipsier than I thought if I'm even considering this.

He smiles at me and leans in really close, placing his forehead on mine. I can smell the scotch wafting off his breath; it's very strong. His eyes are focused on mine though, anticipating what comes next. He licks his lips and waits for me to make my move. May as well get it over with. I close my eyes, tilt my head up, and roll my lips onto his.

It doesn't last long, a second maybe. Hirokazu's lips are a little chapped from the cold weather. Our lips stay closed the whole time, and after it ends he leans back and looks away dejectedly.

"Gay yet?" I have to ask.

He sulks. "Sorry. I tried."

I smile. "Better luck next time I guess."

"Really," he says. "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it," I tell him. "Worry about the day when I stop by to tell your future grandchildren about how grandpa Hirokazu once tried to make out with me."

A slight smile creeps back onto his face. "Yeah, that'll be the day."

"So do you want to tell me what all that was about now?" I ask.

"I thought I'd, uh…" He swallows. "…I'd give it a shot, y'know? See if maybe I could like you that way."

"That's insane," I tell him. Admirable, but definitely insane. "Why would you even want to be gay?"

"'Cause it's you," he says tenderly. "I want you to be happy, dude."

"I _am _happy, Hirokazu," I try telling him. "How could I not be happy with friends like you guys?"

"Don't you wanna be with someone though?" he asks.

"Of course I do, but everyone wants that," I say. "I'm not in a rush."

"But dude, you're…" He stops and looks away.

"I'm what?" I eventually have to ask.

"You're great 'n stuff. I know that," he goes on. "I think you'd make some guy really happy, but you're… you're gay."

"What gave me away?" I ask sarcastically.

"What I mean is…" Hirokazu takes a deep breath. "Me, I got a lot of shots. There's girls all over the place. I know I'll make it happen. But you're kinda shy in the first place, 'n there's not all that many gay guys out there for you."

That's actually sweet. Silly, but sweet. "Hirokazu, there are thirteen _million _people in this city. Half of them are men and they can't all be straight. There are plenty of guys out there for me to make a fool of myself with."

He nods. "Yeah, I guess, but still… I want you to be with somebody you really like."

"I will. Only a matter of time."

"How d'you know though?" he asks. "It's not like there's a gay version of me walkin' around somewhere."

"Let's hope not," I say. "If there was, there'd be a straight version of _me _right next to him."

Hirokazu's eyes bug out. "A straight Kenta Kitagawa…"

I shake my head. "I know. Horrifying, isn't it?"

He laughs. "I can't even picture it."

"Yeah, it's hard to imagine," I admit. "I do know one thing about him though. He'd be gay-Hirokazu's best friend no matter what."

Hirokazu smiles at me and stretches his legs out again. "Thanks."

"Thank you," I echo back to him. "Really. There aren't a whole lot of guys out there who'd go as far as you for a friend. Heh. Trying to go gay for me. That's some dedication there."

He shrugs. "I figured it was at least worth a shot."

"Hirokazu, I know you mean well, but I think you're in denial about being straight," I say jokingly. "Only seems fair that I get to know that. You knew I was gay before I did, so now I get to know you're straight before you do."

"Alright, so I'm straight. No need to rub it in." He laughs it off. "So now that I'm definitely straight, could you at least give Takato a shot?"

I groan. "Not this again."

"Look, I know how it sounds but hear me out. Takato's a good guy, you know that. He'd be really great for you. He'd be there for you in that one way I can't. When he came out to me at that party, I knew there was finally someone out there that could actually be, y'know, your 'someone special.'"

I look away from him and hug myself for warmth. "I know you want me to be happy," I say, "but it's not going to happen. I can't like him." I won't.

It was December, a little over a year after I first realized I was gay. It had been another week of Takato not eating lunch with us, not wanting to meet up after class, not even looking at me. At first I didn't think much of it. I believed him when he said he had homework or had to help out at the bakery. After all, he told me he accepted me. Why wouldn't I believe him? He was my friend. But after two months of him doing everything he could to avoid me, there was no ignoring the pattern.

I felt sick. I knew something was up. I didn't want to believe he was avoiding me for being gay, but what else could I think? Nothing else had changed. Everyone else at school made a big deal over it for like a week, but pretty soon they were all onto the next news of the day. I was finally starting to feel normal again. Everything was the same as ever, except Takato hardly spoke to me.

I spent all day working up the nerve to call him and to try confronting him. I had to know what was up. I had to know if he was mad at me. I could deal with it if he was, but the silent treatment was torture. Finally I forced myself to dial the bakery. It was 10 o'clock at night by then.

"_Hello?"_

"_Hi Takato, it's Kenta."_

"_Oh, uh… hi, Kenta."_

"_Can I ask you something?"_

"_Can I call you right back? I've got to, uh, take out the trash real quick."_

"…_Sure."_

I waited for that call. Ten minutes. Half an hour. An hour. Around midnight I had to admit to myself that he wasn't going to call back. I kept saying he probably got distracted, but I knew that was a lie. I thought I'd try calling him again, or confronting him at school, but I knew there was no point. I had my answer. It was the answer I didn't want, the one I was most afraid of. I didn't get much sleep that night.

The next day I gave up and stopped trying to talk to him. I still saw him at school, but we never said so much as "hi" to each other. Our friends caught on pretty quick I think. Hirokazu especially after he saw how I was crying. He was so pissed at Takato. I told myself I was better off putting it behind me. If Takato wasn't going to try anymore, why should I? Afterwards I got really depressed. I'm glad Hirokazu was there to try and help.

Thanks, Hirokazu. Even if you can be a pain sometimes you were there for me back then. You've always been there for me. I'll always be there for you too. We need each other. You don't have to try liking me that way; having you as a friend is more than enough. Don't try to change yourself for me, Hirokazu. It doesn't work. Even if it did you wouldn't be the same Hirokazu you are now. I never want you to change.

"…Kenta?"

I jump and look back at him. "Yeah?"

Hirokazu shakes his head. "Nothin'. Just wanna make sure you're still there."

"I'm not going anywhere," I tell him. "Promise." I'll always be there for him, like he was there for me.

"Glad to hear it." Suddenly he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my chest in a hug.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"I'm cold," he whines.

"I should go find your jacket then," I say.

He shakes his head and squeezes me. "I'm not goin' anywhere."

I have to admit, this does help me feel a little warmer. "Maybe we should go back inside," I suggest. "I'm sure everyone misses us by now."

"Nuh-uh," he says, shaking his head again.

"Why not?" I ask.

"You like this stuff, right?" he asks. "Fresh snow, moon, everythin' all nice 'n peaceful. I don't wanna ruin it."

I give a little laugh. "You'll freeze out here."

He smiles and squeezes me. "Worth it." He looks out at Ruki's yard, and I join him. It really is beautiful. I wish I wasn't hurting Hirokazu to enjoy it. That's how it always seems to work out, though. To have something I really want means someone else gets hurt. That's how it was when I came out. It hurt the people around me. Not that I wish I wasn't gay. Not anymore, at least. I did a lot when I was dealing with it at first, but I'm better about that now. It's part of me. I wouldn't change myself any more than I'd change Hirokazu. I like who I am.

Still, I know I've had an impact on the people I care about. I hate to think that my happiness hurt them. Hirokazu, for one. I know my coming out didn't do him much good. Ever since then he's been 'the gay one' regardless of all evidence to the contrary. That he denies it only makes people think he's in the closet. He doesn't let it bother him at least, but I don't want this to be because of me. If Hirokazu strikes out with the ladies I want to know it's his doing and not mine. Hirokazu has a hard enough time without my little contribution.

And then there are my parents. They never saw it coming. Looking back I don't know how they missed it, but they say they'd never even considered it. It wasn't something they really thought about all that much. Homosexuality was something that happened "out there" as far as they were concerned. They did their best to try to understand, but it's been so long and they're still afraid to ask questions. I'm still afraid to tell them more than I think they want or need to hear. They trust me, but I know they worry.

Most of all I'm sorry for what this has done to their plans. They were always thinking about the future, looking forward to grandkids. They wanted to be grandparents. They wanted to enjoy the things they were too tired to appreciate when I was little. I took that away from them. I was so certain that being honest was the right thing. Now I'm not so sure.

"By the way, just so you know, you DO like Takato," Hirokazu says suddenly.

"Sorry, but I really don't," I reply.

"Sure you do." He sounds strangely serene for Hirokazu. "You smile a _lot _whenever we see him. You're always helpin' him out with this bein' gay thing. You got him to come out to the others."

"I'm still mad at him." And at myself, too. Takato, I hurt you worse than anyone.

"You don't act like it."

I couldn't have known at the time, but when I came out Takato couldn't handle it. He's told me that back then he wanted to talk to me about it, but he couldn't face it himself. He couldn't accept that he was gay and I was a walking, talking reminder of what he was going through. If I'd only tried harder with him, maybe I could have helped. Maybe he could have faced it if I wasn't so quick to give up on him. At the very least he wouldn't have lost all his friends over me.

I know that things are getting better now, Takato. I know you hang out with all of us again. But you lost three years. Three years is a long time, especially when you need someone to talk to. I can't even imagine what it would have been like for me without Hirokazu, Jen, Ruki and Juri. I don't know if I could have done it.

The worst part is that even with how sorry I am, even with how much we hang out these days, I still can't put the past behind me. That's why I can't forgive him. And my not forgiving him is the worst thing I could do to him now. I thought Takato hated me, that he never wanted to see me again. At first it made me so sad that I could barely get out of bed. But with time and a lot of work I forgot all about the part of him that was my friend. I made myself forget. The only thing left was the guy who hated me for being gay. And so I began to hate him.

I know I was wrong. He didn't hate me, but I hated him. You can't fix something like that overnight. It's not that I don't sometimes wish we could be friends again. I wish I could wipe away the last three years. Early on I would have forgiven him in a heartbeat if he would have only talked to me again. Now though? No. I can't. I won't do that. I'd have to be an idiot to like him after everything he put me through. I am not going to look like an idiot over him again.

When I came out to my parents I thought everything would change, but it didn't. True, things were a little awkward for a while, but my life wasn't suddenly different. I still went to school like before. We still talked and ate together like before. It didn't bring me any closer to them or push them away. Takato came out to us and I know things have gotten better for him because of it, but it didn't change things as much as he thought it would. He didn't even come out to the others until weeks after we all started hanging out together again. When the news finally dropped it all made sense to them, but it didn't change things. Not between him and them. Not between him and me. Even if we do talk now there's still this thing in the way.

He wants for me to understand and accept him. I wanted the same thing from my parents when I came out. They told me they'd always support me and that they loved me, and that's true. I'm not sure they understand though. With Takato… I understand; I do. I've been there. But forgiving him is out of my reach.

Not that I want him to feel bad anymore. I'm not going to turn my back on him like he did to me. That's why we hang out so much, not because I _like _him or anything. Takato needs someone to talk to, someone to show him the ropes. I'm happy to do that. I know how much it would have helped me, having someone to answer my questions, to talk to, to share fears with. Takato needs that and I'm not going to say no. But I'm not doing this because he's Takato. If anything it's in spite of that. I can't help it; I'm too nice. It makes me feel good when I can be a shoulder for him to cry on. I like making him laugh when he needs it. I love seeing his face light up.

But… that's all. Really. I don't like him. It's only because he was my friend a long time ago. Takato's still an ass for what he put me through. I mean, sure, I'd like it if we were friends again. What's wrong with that? It's great having more friends! Even Takato. Especially Takato. Takato's a great friend; he's fun, he's nice, and when he doesn't refuse to talk to you for three years he's actually very supportive. Plus all the other stuff Hirokazu mentioned. And dare I say, he's even cute, too.

…

I know what I said. Shut up. I can think a guy's cute even if he IS an ass. My ex-boyfriend is proof of that. That's what Takato is. He's an ass. I will not forgive him for abandoning me. I will not be the one that winds up looking like an idiot.

"It's obvious you like him," Hirokazu says. "Just like you liked Kai back in Okinawa."

"You're drunk," I remind him, "and possibly insane."

He shrugs. "Maybe a little. Don't gotta be sane or sober to see it though."

"Forget it."

"But I can't!" he whines. "You like him. He likes you. Go out, damn it!"

"I can't like him," I say firmly. "Yeah, maybe I could've back when we were friends. But we're not friends anymore. Not after… after all that! He made me feel like shit, Hirokazu. He screwed me up for a long time."

…But I still miss my friend. I know I shouldn't. I should hate him. I shouldn't ever want to see him again. But I miss him. I was actually happy to hang out with him again. I _enjoy _being with him. That can't be right, can it? After what he did to me? How screwed up am I? I can't help the way I feel though. I try to deny it, but I like that he talks to me again.

Shit. I have been denying it. That's exactly what I've been doing. How do I keep falling into that trap? This is like back before I could admit to myself that I was gay. I like being around Takato. What if Hirokazu's right and I _like _him? How stupid could I possibly be? I know there's no way this could go well. He wouldn't like me back. Even if he did, how could I live with myself? I'd feel guilty forgiving him. And I'd feel guilty about what he went through because of me. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Damn it. I really thought I knew myself for once. I thought I had it all figured out. After I came out I was so sure I had all the answers. Like suddenly I wasn't going to kid myself anymore. I knew who I was and everything there was to know about that, like I was some expert on Kenta Kitagawa. I've given Takato advice as if I've got all the answers on being gay, like when he wanted to know how to tell his parents. He hasn't come out to them yet, but he's thought about it. I'm supposed to be the comfortable one, the experienced one, the expert on everything that goes through my head. How did I miss this? Am I that dense? Am I that deep in denial? Well so much for the fabulous Kenta Kitagawa: the great gay oracle.

"I want you to be happy, dude," Hirokazu says sullenly. "Doesn't have to be with Takato, but with somebody."

"I know," I say with a nod.

"You don't gotta like him," he goes on. "I think you do, but if not at least don't mess with him, okay? I know he hurt you 'n all, but you don't gotta hurt him back."

"I'm not going to hurt him," I say. Certainly not after what I've just realized.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Good," Hirokazu says resolutely. "Now go make out with him."

I groan. "Hirokazu, I'm not going to do that."

"Oh c'mon already!" he says impatiently. "What's takin' so long? Shit, the night I sent him to the room I figured you'd have to put a sock on the doorknob!"

"Hirokazu, not everyone's that desperate," I say.

He laughs. "Bullshit."

"Hirokazu…"

He squeezes me tight and whispers in my ear: "Bull…"

"Okay, okay. I get your point." I mean it's not like I _never _think about it. I haven't had a lot of chances though. And I sure wasn't in any kind of mood to do THAT with TAKATO.

"…Shit."

"I can see why you're so popular with girls," I say with a little laugh.

"Girls are different," he points out. "They gotta be romanced 'n shit. Guys? Guys 'get it', y'know?"

"What, you don't think I like a little romance?" I ask.

He shrugs. "I dunno. You're different."

"Or how about Ruki?" I point out. "She's a girl but there's no way she's the 'romantic' type."

"Okay, fine, but it's not like she's all that girly," Hirokazu points out.

"And I am?" I ask.

"I didn't mean it like that dude! All I'm sayin' is you got it lucky."

"I've been called a lot of things, but lucky isn't one of them," I say.

"But you are!" he defends his claim. "With guys it's like, y'know, they make sense. Girls are crazy though."

"Maybe a little," I admit, "but it's not like guys are a whole lot better. Girls might be insane but guys are lying bastards."

Hirokazu frowns. "Ouch."

"Okay, maybe not _all_ guys," I concede. "Only the ones I date."

"Well Takato's not like that," Hirokazu says.

"Do you really think he likes me?" I ask.

"Totally."

I never know what to think about Hirokazu's "insight." Sometimes it's like he's not even living on the same planet as everyone else, but other times it's scary how much he seems to know. Only one way to be sure. "We should go back in," I say. "Everyone probably misses us by now and it's getting cold."

"Do you like him?" he asks, holding me down until I answer.

"I don't hate him," I say.

"Not good enough," he says fiendishly.

"Okay, fine, he's my friend again. Happy now?"

"C'mon," he pleads. "You gotta say it."

I smile and shake my head. "You are such a squealing fangirl."

"Dude, I told you I'm the king of romance," he reminds me. "I gotta know!"

I chuckle. "Alright, alright. Just for that, yeah. I think I might. Maybe. A little."

"And…?"

"And what?" I ask.

"And you're gonna tell him, right?" That grin of his is hard to ignore.

"Do I have a choice?"

"We can do this the easy way or the hard way," he says playfully.

"Something tells me it wouldn't mean as much if you had me in a headlock at the time," I tell him.

"So you're gonna to tell him?" Hirokazu asks, a hopeful gleam in his eyes.

I sigh. "Looks like it."

He grins at me. "That's the spirit!"

"Don't get your hopes up," I tell him. "I don't 'love' him or anything like that. I don't even know if we'll be any good together. I want to find out, though. Just to see what happens."

"C'mon, go do it!" he says, hoisting me up onto my feet. "I wanna know how it goes."

It's still weird that Hirokazu, of all people, is more excited about this than I am. He always gets giddy when I have a date or anything, but I haven't heard this much enthusiasm from him since the day I came out. "Try not to get too excited," I warn him. "If it doesn't work out I don't want you to get all moody again."

"Since when do I get moody?" he asks as he pushes me along ahead of him back toward the kitchen.

"Remember when I broke up with Jiro?" I ask. "I had to bring you ice cream, video games and movies for three days to get you out of your funk."

Hirokazu shrugs. "Yeah, but I did the same thing for you, remember?"

Yeah. I remember: it was after I gave up on Takato. He was there every day for months. The few times he couldn't be around he made sure Jen or Ruki or Juri would come over. He's always looked out for me like that. I've always looked out for him, too. He needs it. Hirokazu's had a self-destructive streak for as long as I know him. Most of the time he's lucky enough not to get in any serious trouble over it. The rest of the time I'm there to pick him up when he falls. I'm used to cheering him up, bandaging his scrapes and gluing his ego back together.

Since day one he's done the same for me. Sure, he can get a little wrapped up in himself sometimes, maybe forget I exist, but when I need him he's always been there. When I came out, when I thought Takato hated me, even now, he looks out for me. He takes a little too much glee in it, sometimes, but that's the way he is. He's the unstoppable Hirokazu Shiota, the best friend a guy could hope for. I've got a lot of friends like that. I don't deserve friends like the ones I've got. I can't believe I ever thought one of them could hate me. I'm sorry I thought that, Takato.

I nod. "Let me do this my way, okay?"

He places a hand on the door to the kitchen and pauses a moment. "Alright, but can you _please _do it fast? I don't think I can take the suspense!"

"Have another drink," I suggest. "That should calm you down." Anyone who ever said scotch is supposed to take the edge off has not met Hirokazu. I haven't seen him this wired in a long time. It's cute.

"I've got my eye on you," he whispers as he pushes the door open and steps inside.

I follow him in. Ruki's yelling at Ryou. Ryou's sitting there smiling back at her. Juri's laughing at the both of them and Jen's grabbing a towel to wipe up a spilled drink. Takato's sitting alone, away from everyone else with his usual can of soda. Yeah, he's our reliable designated driver. At least he would be if he had a car. Or knew how to drive. So I guess he's our designated sober guy. His idea, I'm sure; Takato knows he and alcohol don't mix.

I can't believe I'm going to do this. Whenever I'm honest, the people around me tend to pay for it. But for some reason it's important to be honest, like I was with my mom and dad. I'm still amazed I actually managed to tell them. They had to know. I owed them that much, but it still took a lot more guts than I ever thought I had in me. Even if it hurt I wanted to tell them the truth. I had to be the one to tell them.

Takato took a long time to say it, but finally he told me the truth too. I could tell how scared he was, but he did it. Things are better for him. He has his friends again. I miss my friend, and all I have to do to get him back is to be as honest with him as he was with me. The first step was being honest with myself.

"Takato?" I ask, keeping my voice quiet.

He looks up at me, like he didn't even realize I was there. "Hm?"

"Can we talk for a minute?" I nod toward the yard.

He stands up and heads for the exit; I quickly follow and shut the door behind me. I don't think anyone noticed us leaving other than Hirokazu, but if they did, well… whatever. I can't be thinking of them right now. I've got to focus. What am I even going to say? Crap, I don't even have a plan. Okay, deep breath. Turn and look.

He's standing on the deck looking out at the courtyard and bundling his jacket around him to keep the cold out. "Hey look," he practically whispers. "It's snowing."

He's right. There are a few flakes falling now, adding on more to the fresh snow that's covering everything. "I hope Ruki doesn't mind if we all have to crash here for the night," I say with a little chuckle.

"So what's up?" he asks.

I can feel a blush creeping onto my cheeks. Hopefully it's too dark for him to see. Or if he does, maybe he'll think it's from the cold. I can't look him in the eye for this. "I have to tell you something."

He nods but keeps quiet.

I start by clearing my throat. "Takato, when you stopped talking to me…" I hesitate. This isn't easy. From what I've said so far though, Takato already looks upset. "I know you didn't mean to hurt me," I say, "but you did. You really did."

"Kenta, I… I know. I screwed up." He looks down at the ground.

"Takato, I'm not mad anymore," I say quickly. "I… I was for a while, but I… I have to…"

He hugs himself. "Kenta, I know. I hurt you a lot and I wish I could take it back. I'd do anything to take it back. Please, tell me what I—"

"I'm sorry," I blurt out. "I'm so sorry, Takato."

He's stunned, unable to say anything for a few seconds. "S-sorry?" he sputters. "Why? After what I did…"

"I'm sorry I took so long," I try to explain. "Sorry I didn't say this before now. Takato, I… I forgive you. For everything." I hang my head. My whole body feels heavy.

And then he's on top of me, wrapping me up in both arms and squeezing me like he's never going to let go. He's not saying anything, but he laughs to himself. I can hear his breathing in my ear, and it sounds like he could cry any second.

"I want to be your friend again," I say as I put my arms around him.

"Thank you," Takato whispers in my ear with a sniffle.

I keep hugging him. I can't believe I thought I hated him. I can't believe I tried to keep up my thick-skinned approach. I can't believe I was so afraid of this. This feels good. This is what it feels like to have my friend back. That's right, Takato is my friend. I don't care if I look like an idiot. I don't care about the past anymore. I missed him. I need my friends, and he's one of them.

Maybe it could work. Maybe he could be more than a friend. I don't know, but it's worth a try. I do like him. I hope Hirokazu's right and he likes me too. Please let him like me. Please don't let me chicken out. Please, please, please.

"Takato?" I ask quietly.

"Yeah?" he whispers in my ear again.

"Do you want to…?" Crap, I can't think of the words. What do I say?

"Hm?"

I take a deep breath. "Are you… free?"

He pulls back for a second and gives me a weird look. "What do you mean?"

I clear my throat. "Sorry, but… would you like to… go out sometime?" I give him a weak smile.

His whole face lights up. "I'd love to!"

And with that the weight of the world drops from me. I'm smiling and I don't think I could stop for anything. He'd love to. Those words mean so much to me. He accepts me. He finally accepts me. I'm not alone. I don't have to be afraid. I don't have to hide my feelings anymore. I need only be honest and hope things will work out. They have to work out. Please, let this go well. I need this to go well. I don't want to lose him again. This feels too good.

There's a shout from the kitchen behind me. "Hurry up and kiss him, damn it!" Hirokazu yells.

"Shush!" Juri scolds him.

"Don't mind us," Jen says apologetically.

I don't mind. I felt Takato's whole body go tense when Hirokazu yelled, but I don't mind. I lean in and give him a kiss on the cheek. I don't mind, Hirokazu. Thank you for this. Thank you for helping me be this happy.

_After you look at where you've come from  
>And before you ask where the road ahead ends<br>Ask yourself where you are  
>And who you count as your friends.<em>

* * *

><p>[Thank you all for reading this far. I really appreciate the comments I got and I hope you enjoyed it. I need to apologize for the long delay in getting out chapter 6. When I put up chapter 1 chapter 6 was almost complete, but after finishing chapter 5 I realized just how badly the original draft of this chapter needed to be rewritten and so I began again from scratch. I'd hoped to have the entire thing finished in June, but I couldn't quite manage that. I believe it was well worth the delay though, and it wound up as a stronger story for the delay. Thanks again for your patience, your support, and your comments.<p>

with love,

ian]


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